Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics, one thing that we all must learn is that into everybody's life, a little rain must fall. As a result of this very simple axiom being lost on the majority of the population, conversation ~ the art of back and forth, is dying, moribund and about to go the way of Jason Bateman’s career comeback. Also, Jason Bateman has no soul, having sacrificed it to Satan for sight in Sandy Duncan’s glass eye.

Conversation now seems to be the pointless art of stating banality and then seeking affirmation from anybody who happens to be the fuck in earshot. What I mean is, when people come back from a vacation, they inevitably tell you about three things: the weather, what they ate and what they drank. Listen up, when you come back on vacation, nobody gives a half-full Dixie-cup of shit what you ate and what you drank. It’s boring. “Wowee! The mixed drink had a funny umbrella in it! Well, slap my ass with a cordless phone ‘til it bleeds, however did you stand the merry mirth of that resort?” Too many people fear being labelled a boor to point out that you are boring.

Person 1: On Thursday, we ate this really neat piece of rabbit. It was sautéed in yak semen, broiled for a half-hour in the light of the rising moon and served on shredded tennis balls!

Person 2: Fuck you. (Note: A stunningly quick knuckle punch to a testicle or ovary is optional here)

It’s not so much a list of what one person finds interesting and what one person finds disagreeable, it’s that conversation has degenerated to this. It’s the stating of absolute pureed mundane nothing followed by the listener affirming it as more than it is.

Person 1: I went to H&M and bought this really neat tank-top! It’s pink!

Person 2: Wow, did you have to answer a skill-testing question before you got to take it home?

Person 1: Uh…no. I just bought it.

Person 2: Well then, fuck you. (Note: A spinning back fist which would rattle their molars right out of their jaw is appropriate, but optional)

Conversation isn’t about mindlessly agreeing or supporting whatever the first person had to say. It’s about the evaluation of what you’re being told and reporting back said evaluation. If you happen to agree, so be it. If you don’t, fucking say so. Life isn’t Oprah. Moreover, it’s bitter comment on society that people are too afraid to have ideas openly conflict with one another, or otherwise are unable to handle criticism which leaves them crying like a beaten red-headed step-child rather than refining their “interpersonal skills”.

There is nothing wrong with disagreement. It’s healthy, it’s natural and moreover, it’s entirely necessary. Don’t be afraid of it, embrace it and use it. Otherwise, it’s another season of shit like One Tree Hill forced into our living rooms, stepped on with a shoe and then smeared around a bit on the carpet.

Don’t let that be you fanaholic.