Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics, whilst sitting watching Tie Domi lie horribly to the public about why he was retiring from hockey, it dawned on me that most public figures, when caught in a web of their own design, usually fit their response on the classic pattern of grief.

The classic pattern of grief, for those who don’t know, can’t be bothered to look it up or expect me to do their research for them is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It’s as easy-peasy as nailing Brittany Spears. Except with Brittany, you have the added joy of effortlessly convincing her she can time travel, but only if she head-butts the side of a moving bus hard enough.

In any good scandal though, there will be the breaking news story. Either the media’s been tipped off, a search warrant of sorts has been executed by police or Margot Kidder is still screaming incoherently on the street corner. Tip for Ellen Degeneres; replace your current dicko DJ with her. Make her drink straight ether if she calms down. Ratings girl, ratings!

Once the story breaks, journalists will converge on the public figure named in the scandal. Let’s say for the sake of argument that Senator Teddy Fluffnuts was accused of date raping California Redwoods. The sicky would sneak into State parks, romance the tree with some fresh soil, compliment it on its lovely leaf patterns and then, when the Redwood’s guard was down, shoot a quick hand up its bark. One can only imagine the horrors afterwards as the tree lost its innocence to a sap-munching perv.

Anyway, off the police go to Senator Fluffnuts house to execute a search warrant looking for hiking boots, photos of naked underage saplings or whatever. It’s at this time that the public figure’s public response to the public mimics the first stage of grief: denial.

Oh, Senator Fluffnuts, or any other politician will vehemently deny whatever it is they’ve probably done. They’ll assure the public that there is no basis to the accusations, they’re good upstanding people and the trees were all consenting adults. The gameplan at this point is apparently deny, deny, deny and hope that a bigger scandal breaks like Michael Moore spraying Sean Penn with ketchup and devouring him whole.

Once the first stage of grief hasn’t worked and police keep coming forth with their initial evidence, the public figure will work anew on the second stage: anger. Now the public figure will begin a counter-offensive against the accuser, be it the police, attorneys general or a Redwood that kept a “stained” branch as a memento. The fiery accusations will fly from the public figure. They will demand a trial, they will demand exoneration, they will boldly state the evidence against them is shaky, worthless or fabricated. Hell, even Senator Fluffnuts has wiped his wee-wee clean and is ready to go to trial immediately so this horrid public malfeasance can be put to rest.

Then the police compile their evidence and our public figure will slide into the third stage of grief: bargaining. In this case however, add the word “plea” to bargaining and we’re moving right along. Late-night monologue jokes will also hit their peak regarding this as media coverage saturates into everything, including school curriculum, Burger King menus and provincial legislation regarding proposed taxi-cab fare increases.

Suddenly, we’re onto the fourth stage of grief: depression. This is the teary news conference held so the person can explain how they regret ever doing whatever crime they fucking jolly-well knew they shouldn’t be committing, they’re sorry for all the hurt they’ve caused and they hope the trees will someday be able to forgive them. They’re hoping nobody openly accuses them of being dicks if their current statements were ever compared to the Stage 1 statements. Anyway, the tears come faster and more copiously than during any “Very Special Episode” of Blossom as the public figure is marched off in leg-irons to serve out their prison term.

The fifth stage eventually dawns: acceptance. Usually, the public has long since forgiven the public figure for whatever it is they’ve done: insider trading, whoring around, embezzlement, cocaine trafficking, drunk driving or getting a little forced play from a tree in a State park. Once out of prison, they’ve got to host a new press conference to assure the public they accept what they’ve done and they’ve started some sort of foundation to assist victims of their crime or to “raise awareness” of their personal defect. Never letting a good opportunity pass, this is also the time when they’ve written a book (ironically written on paper made from illegally harvested California Redwoods), are hitting the talk-show circuit and having routine articles written about them in Star Magazine. Sad to say, but acceptance can also be seen as cashing in. Well, fuck, how stupid were you to believe the sincerity of a tree-fucker?

Once the public is done with this scandal, we’re immediately whisked off to the next breaking news story while the news vans get ready to ambush the new accused public figure from inside his trash-cans.

The Comment Corner: Humour in brilliant social insight. Coming up, the 1st Hundred Days in Office!