Folks, I simply couldn't make the analysis thing work. It ended up looking like a pack of gibbleretarded kids mashed their overgrown foreheads into the keyboard for a minute before their teacher-wrangler popped by to enter in "John Tory", "who thought Jesus would be a good candidate" or "Howard Hampton? More like Howard HUMPTON" just to give it the political flavouring it needed.
Instead, all that needs to be said about the election can be found in the forums, unless you're RUEZ, and then you're just getting it all wrong.
So, I decided to review a show for which the previews could massive throbbing bus-cock to a team of gay banjo players: Bionic Woman.
BIONIC WOMAN: THE REVIEW
The previews had it all. A recreation of the Bionic Woman, a trashy sci-fi jiggle-fest from the 70's, molded into the gritty, realistic fare we've come to expect from rebooted series in the 2000's, like Batman Begins, Casino Royale or Battlestar Galactica. The new Bionic Woman was hot too. Damn hot. Like Britney Spears hot but before she resorted to her genetic trailer-trash self and had to keep shaving off her pubes to prevent the scabies from finding food.
In I tuned three weeks ago to watch the brand new adventures of the Jamie Sommers, Bionic Woman.
HERE WE GO
The show introduced the characters in a rather ham-fisted way. That is, the characters came across exactly as they seemed to have been pitched during the series development.
WRITER1: We need to have Sommers be smart so it's plausible she can survive all the adventures we're going to cleverly write, but also in a job that she would freely leave to choose to work for the Bionic people because it's beneath her, but also an explanation why she's IN the shitty job despite being brilliant.
WRITER2: BAM! Harvard accepted but is a bartender because she's taking care of her sister from a deadbeat dad.
WRITER1: AWESOME! I'll buy the cocaine tonight.
And Sommers is introduced pretty much at the bar before or after having explained to her doctor lover about her sister.
WRITER1: We need to make Sommers have some sort of drama at home, away from universe saving.
WRITER2: ..........BOOYAH! Her sister is spunky, rebellious yet deep-down loves Jamie and feels guilty about the sacrifices she's made for her, but covers it up with the spunky rebellious attitude?
WRITER1: You are my God. May I eat your next shit to absorb your powers?
WRITER2: You may not.
Bam, Jamie goes to pick up her sister at school after she's caught smoking pot. They wax about their relationship in the car on the way home.
WRITER1: Overarching mysteries are hot in today's market. Lost, Heroes, they've got 'em. What can we use too?
WRITER2: .....YORP! Jamie's pregnant but "looooses" the baby during the bionic reconstruction surgery. Did she really lose the child?
WRITER1: I like how you drew out looooose like that. It sounded like I wasn't to believe the word "lose" despite you using it. How would you feel if I asked to watch you fuck your wife?
WRITER2: I would not be opposed.
Whammo, Jamie reveals she's pregnant in a blurted fashion at dinner before getting slammed in the car crash that results in her reconstruction.
We're also introduced to the agency in the pilot episode. Nothing much is said about it, but you're lead to believe that it's a shadowy government agency which routinely engages in back-room wet-works and essentially acts as a militant CIA.
But why the fuck does this agency blow shitloads of cash beefing up ONE woman to fight their battles? Sure, she can leap, punch hard and run fast, but why not use the money to hire ninjas? A team of fucking ninjas that can do what she does a la the Impossible Mission Force but have actually chosen
to be there? That way, this drama bullshit is thrown by the wayside like a stripper when the Duke University Lacrosse Team is done assaulting her.
Another beef with the "Agency". They're always so well-funded, have awesome facilities and are on-call 24 hours a fucking day. Every character attached to the Agency who isn't Jamie is forever at the fucking place. Any time of day or night that Jamie hits the shits, all of her overlords readily assemble in a ready-room like they just rolled off their cots from sleep.
Fuck off. It simply isn't realistic. People at the FBI MUST get called at home to come in and manage a crisis, so why not here too? I get it's a TV show, but for a realistic reboot, they're failing at this aspect.
The second episode had horrible pacing. The writers spent half the show investigating the gassing of one town by an unnamed paramilitary terrorist group. Sommers and Bad Haircut go to this small gas-town which is quarantined by just about every government agency and a shitload of National Guard and the Army
and bullshit their way in. Fine. Then, they find a survivor to the gas. Fine. Then, Sommers and Survivor are ambushed by the paramilitary terrorist group that's been patrolling the town disguised as the Army despite having uniforms that look nothing like what the other soldiers are wearing. A massive fight and shootout occurs but there isn't any sort of intervention by the Army running the quarantine.
Fucking terrible writing! It just doesn't make any goddamn sense! What were the writers thinking?
Moving forward, Jamie and Bad Haircut report to their boss that the terrorists are using a specific gas and sprayed it out of a milk-tanker looking thing. From this, the boss is able to whip up a map of target cities across the US that are going to get gassed and casualties will be enormous. Despite the idiocy before, I presume that intercepting the gas trucks will be a story arc covering a few episodes. How wrong I fucking am. They magically track the terrorists to their trucking yard where ALL the terrorists have gathered for a nightly pow-wow. The Agency SWAT team kills a bunch and the rest of the terrorists, still dressed in camo uniforms despite being off-duty, surrender. Case closed.
Remember I complained about horrible pacing? The whole endgame went down in 5 minutes. They arrive on scene, a couple of exposition shots of the terrorists confirm all of Jamie's boss' worst fears and then kaboom, Jamie and the boss are sharing some yuks about saving the world.
Episode 3 dealt more with Sarah Corviss and how her bionics are horribly broken. Luckily, Katee Sackhoff can play "Fucked up chick" better than most others, so the episode was an improvement. The Canadian defence contractor subplot was humourous, except for the dead Serbian hitman Jamie and Sarah left in a nail-salon. Oops, hope that doesn't make the news.
The show isn't bad as a whole and there's promise to be had, but the writers had better snap to fucking attention about the minor shittiness that creeps up in every episode. It they make it campy and don't bother to give backstories or explain, in realistic terms, how things came to be, why they still are and where they're (as the Agency) are headed, this show is going to fail faster than a fat kid trying to hold in a diarrhea shit the whole bus-ride home.
Lastly, NBC, can you throw out the promo with Jamie perched on the car roof? She's not fucking Spiderman for god sakes, don't have her pose like him. Have her look smoking hot. It'll draw in viewers. Trust me.