Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics,

There are a couple of key phrases that some out there seem to utter with impunity. These phrases, once more, attempt to mask a hidden social agenda. Don't be fooled, don't be suckered, don't go down like a punk with a stingray barb buried in your chest.

I'm just saying...

This phrase is for the loser. When somebody is whipping this jobbie out, they've just had their nuts smashed in an oven door, and then they've gotten their fingers smashed too, trying to pry their flattened sac-des-bon-bons off the oven frame. However, this phrase is designed to save face. It's nothing more than an attempt to steer the conversation away from a humiliating defeat with a more innocent wording of "You're right, but I can't be wrong, so..." Let's say that this person has just announced that they believe that the children are our most precious natural resource. Then you point out that children can barely even take a punch, unlike oil which is both necessary and delicious tasting. They finish up with, "Well...I'm just saying..."

There are some people who would be content knowing they've won when they hear this. But this won't correct the problem of the other person saying it in the future. Immediately press the point with something along the lines of, "Yeah, but being wrong certainly didn't stop you from 'just saying', did it?" Don't be bashful about creaking that oven door open and closed a couple of times to send a hearty warning about ill-formed thoughts.

The Wave

This one isn't so much a phrase as it is a gesture. And it's that stroke-inducing gesture that seems to serve as a carte-blanche writ-of-assistance all-purpose traffic apology. Some idiot just drive their Subaru OVER top of the grassy boulevard out of the Blockbuster lot, thunder across 3 lanes and swerve to get in front of you, cutting off a dozen people and clipping an old person's fragile hip? Don't worry, they're going to give you the "wave" and suddenly, everything is right again with the world. Be still your racing heart, let your anger melt away, somebody stuck their hand up near the rearview. Some monster shithead race his car up a merging lane only to run out of road, flip on the signal and creep their way into the normal flow of traffic, slowly bopping their car into your path, but hey, THEY saved some time on your back and they're sharing the love with a quick "tah-tah" with their hand? Meanwhile, you're thinking it would be great if their car just got crushed into a barricade by a dumptruck or somebody could sodomize them with an entire car seat?

This only works because there's really no way to express your ire. If somebody ran onto a crowded elevator and smashed into the occupants like an errant bowling ball, knocking your bid proposal to the floor, only to give you a small hand gesture, you could use both hands and give that fucker a mighty shove right out the elevator door, even as it's closing. In the car however, all you really have at your disposal are your radio, turn signals and horn.

If you're going to be a social dick, (and if you're reading this page, you probably are), you can only really have your revenge when you're stopped in traffic. And that my friend, is just to wail on your horn. I don't mean a couple of honks, I mean hold that sumbitch down for a good long minute. Nothing is worse for a dongcock driver than having somebody draw that much attention to their shitty skills. Will it ever really change their habits? Who cares?

Just kidding

I don't know whether I've commented on this one before, but I'm too lazy to look it up. This one is the verbal equivalent of the wave. Usually, the toilet-raper who's using this one is a mincing little social chimpanzee who hurls insults like their shit and when it strikes, they expect you to let it slide much like you would getting nailed with a chimp biscuit. It's a passive-agressive way to insult people without risking the social consequences. If you walked up to your boss and told him the reason his wife banged the teenage staff of a Burger King was because he's a bald, flabby bastard, you'd probably have a fight on your hands, correctness of the statement aside. But, these snot-stains end it with a fucky little sing song, "Just kidding!", and expect to walk away.

"Just kidding" is not a panacea to whatever social ill these people just caused. It's the suffix on being a giant planet-devouring asshole and it mustn't stand. Most people would assume that you need to fight fire with fire and launch back a "Yeah? Well your face resembles a plane crash victim's vagina! Just kid that motherfucker!" These people would be wrong.

The "Just kidding" part needs to be deflated and depowered. You need to fight fire with water. After one of these brutal shits flings one of them out there, you've got to act taken aback, get their attention and then explain to them like they were a child why the comment was hurtful. Even if you're a big tough bastard who wouldn't show pain even if you had your own head sawed off in a freak Canadian Tire chainsaw demonstration horribly run amok, you've got to swallow your pride and do it.

It's the condescension which will carry the day for you. It's a more direct way of putting them in their place without having to resort to the hypocrisy of using "Just kidding!" yourself. I guarentee people will remember their awkward social reaction to being talked down rather than who did the talking.

And that folks, are just some of the phrases that ire. Be strong with this knowledge padawans, and keep reading.