Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

This forum fans, is a list of things that certain people do, are or have that connotes an air of depraved assholishness. These are the people what cause instant ulcers, bring bile to the tips of throats, shift contents and are the human equivalent of a derailed train flipped by a mere dime upon the tracks.

Wine

First and foremost: Wine is not sophisticated. There is no intrinisic value to wine. It is a fermented grape drink and it does not stand out among the rest of its beverage brethren. The idea that drinking the shit immediately makes grandiloquent sommaliers out of hick winos is a pretentious artifice and it needs to be stopped. Rosy-cheeked pretentious dongs telling me about various wineries' soil and its effect on the wine's bouquet doesn't do anything other than convince me this porthole fancies himself based on a fiat sophistication. Fuck him. He'll be sure to tell you how he managed to locate this particular brand and what memories were derived from it. He'll carry on like the fucking LCBO clerk is going to grill him or demand to see the secret tattoo in order to be allowed into the hermetically sealed vault to get it. Trust me, the shit's on the shelf and dicko just put it in a basket and bought it on an Interac chequing account he didn't quite trust to cover the $6.95 he paid.

You wanna know why its a pretentious artifice? You would never catch these self-important winos waxing on about car tires, despite there being intrinsic value in car tires. Much can be said of rubber composition, tire grooves, belting, widths and size which all have a tangible effect on the overall performance of a car, but its too dirty for them. It's too provinicial to be discussed over brie cheese and commoners might be able to horn in on the conversation. So, these spit-dicks instead have invented for themselves a brand new social event only to elevate themselves higher, since their natural talents alone can't do it. Want more proof? Now that every other loser is entering into this field, the true snob again distances himself, both socially and physically, but the physical part is by the distance it takes to get to his particular grape-batch.

Fuck wine drinking. Do yourself a favour; stick to Coke and when somebody offers you a glass of wine, tell them you shan't be having what's put in finger-bowls, you'll be having a ripe cola from an age old colary in southern Georgia.

Left Lane Highway Driving

Pop quiz, does anybody know what in the fuck the left lane of a highway is for? Apparently, the majority of you don't. And before some twat types me a PM saying it's a speed-lane or some other such horseshit, I'll let you know now it's a passing lane. That's right. A PASSING lane. It's not a cruising lane, playing with your dick lane nor a Macho-Man lane. Take a look in your right-hand mirror. You may even be surprised you have one. Do you see a car immediately behind you? Look out the front right window; this may involve paying attention on the road but bear with it, you can get back to being a moron when you're at home. Do you see a car off your right front bumper? If the answer to those questions is "No" MOVE OVER.

Now, if you look over out your right windows and see another car, PASS IT. These kumbaya fuckers in the left who're trying to hold the next car's hand need to either slow down or speed up and get out of the way. Highways aren't for line-dancing, just your sister's shotgun wedding.

Public Speaking

Public speaking should be left to those with a natural sense of oration, style and sophistication. Allowing the average doofus who could bore the shit out of paint to practise their hand at prose is about as kind to the public as blasting rabies out of a cannon at school children would be. Yet, somehow, when they know there is going to be more than five people listening, the most tortured of English gets trotted out like a three-legged baby with a massive forehead.

First rule: NEVER compare ANY emotion to that of a waterfall. The sudden onset of emotion does not compare to a waterfall. Maybe once upon a time it did, but now it's trite. Besides, once you're out of the water, your underwear is going to ride up your ass and stain itself. Is that the lingering memory of love you want to share?

Secondly: Do NOT speak on my, the listener's, behalf. None of this "We look upon these two lovers and share in their joy, knowing that our love for them is as eternal as their love for each other." I don't look upon them like that. Usually, I'm loathing them for a shitty meal choice and I'm actually praying there isn't going to be a second wedding for either of them so I don't have to go. Or at a funeral, "We remember the good times, we remember the joy dicklick in the coffin probably provided and his memory is in our hearts and his goodwill is in our prayers as we too pause to reflect piddle-piddle-piddle." Joy, happiness for others and mourning are all personal affairs, so it's downright presumptious to include me in whatever parochial crapfest you've got going on for you. There is nothing wrong with speaking plainly and only for yourself. It adds a touch of honesty to the message, rather than trying to channel Winston Churchill. And poorly, I might add.

Thirdly: If you're not funny, STEER CLEAR of joke-telling. Nothing's worse than pitty laughter filling a banquet hall, auditorium or reception. Remember, there are people like me out there who will heckle the bride's father and we'll do it to you too. Also, as a side-not, please, do not include any ripped off catch-phrases in a public address. "Show me the money" or "You had me at hello" or any tailored version of "I see dead people" is sure to earn you a thrown brick in the forehead. And deservedly, I might add.

And there you have it folks, three little ways you can include the general welfare of Canada. The Comment Corner is only here to help. As always, justitia omnibus.