Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Fanaholics, there have been some people on here who have slandered not only the reputation of the University of Guelph, but also universities in general. Some of these people didn't attend the University of Guelph, some of these people didn't attend university at all and STILL some of these people have at some point in their life, we have on good authority, worn a toilet seat around their neck while applying for a line of credit at the Royal Bank on the corner of Walker's Line and New Street in Burlington.

But, why slander the University of Guelph? What is it about this fine institution that so raises the ire of some of the people here? Is it the Ontario Agriculture College? Is it the Veterinary Medicine program, known to some as the Dog-Doctor Factory? Is it the History Department and their cheap reliance on facts to support conclusions? Is it the abundant lack of toilet seats worn 'round the necks? We here at the Comment Corner took a little fact-finding trip (and by that I mean surfed their website and washed my cars) to uncover the real University of Guelph and help explain the wrath it endured.

The university itself rests upon many acres of rolling hills nestled in the city of Guelph, so named for the royal name of King George IV whose family name was Gwelf. I discovered this little nugget in the FAQ How do you pronounce Guelph? I betcha I know which ding-dong sent in that one. Moving right along, the New York Times pronounced this area "Canada's Technology Triangle." In a similar article, the New York Times denounced Matt's face as resembling a triangle of luggage pieces, but without the appealing smell.

The university boasts a whopping 16,000 fulltime students, an additional 1950 graduate students and over 800 staff with a near 98% PhD or highest available equivalent education to meet the growing educational needs of its students. Of those 800 staff, none were able to think of a reason to keep a faxed "eduploma" other than to mop up spills and crumbs, let alone use it to analyze the political leanings of Alexandre Dumas. One PhD prof offered us $15 for this "eduploma" so his three year old would have something to hang on the wall.

There are a wide range of study programs, each able to offer at least an undergraduate degree in said field. While offering the classic programs like English, Mathematics, History, Commerce and Engineering, the university also offers unique fare such as Rural and Development Sociology or Tourism Management. However, its no secret that the university prides itself on its veterinary medicine program! As one of only two such programs in the province of Ontario (Western being the, as yet, unslandered other), this program is hotly contested and sought after. While there are instances of people reducing veterinary medicine to "dog-doctor", these people are able to overcome such well-researched criticism and lead an important life anyway.

For the student looking for the social life too, Guelph doesn't disappoint. Boasting many campus activities, including the Guelph Gryphons of football fame, the city itself offers many clubs, bars, restaurants and pubs to meet the social needs of the students. In addition, these students feel no need to make public their battles with alcoholism by blaming it on their significant other before engaging in a night of no holds barred drinking. Of course, these students are also about 19, not 38, with their lives ahead of them, not dangling ominously in a noose made from twisted "eduplomas".

And there you have it folks, a brief guide to the University of Guelph. The Comment Corner was unable to determine why the collected programs did not meet certain people's criteria for academic excellence, but then these same people can't figure out why underwear only has a tag on one side of it.

'Till next time fanaholics, keep on reading the Comment Corner and it will keep on Cornering the Comments on truth, justice and the American way. Kind of like Superman, but without the wheelchair.