Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks,

There's a horrible new trend which is descending upon us. If left unchecked, it could mean the social equivalent to having your balls run over by a cranked out truck driver who, once realizing what he's done, parks the truck tire right on top of a nut, flattening it. And a new truck tire with those little stubs at that.

I'm talking about the overuse of certain words in situations which neither require them, appreciate them or benefit from them. Imagine if Sandra Oh cocked her football field head sideways and tried to fit through a standard sized door. That's the shitty fit I mean.

Basis

There is only a limited basis on which this word can be used successfully. Each and every time you hear some loose-lipped cockdong use this word, it is invariably used to describe the regular recurrence of something with respect to time. "I like to walk my little prick dog on a daily basis," you'll hear some Juicy Couture wearing hump say, in an attempt to justify her life somehow. Basis isn't needed. Somewhere, some English dude was working hard in his little laboratory, with tea, crumpets and a Victrola playing God Save the King in the background, and invented the suffix "-ly". Using this suffix, he was able to turn words into adjectives which described said regular recurrences. He was so excited upon his discovery that he ran out, drank a Guiness and got a powerful strain of syphillis from the first hooker he saw only to die alone in the alleyway not but an hour later. That man was Abraham Lincoln. But his invention lives on today and we can all benefit from it.

When describing things people do, it's much more preferable to say, "Daily, regularly, continuously, hourly, yearly." It improves the speech to the listener. Adding the word basis to the thought only serves to add a layer of unnecessary speech. Consequently, it's use smacks of self-importance. The only reason people do it is to sound more important than they are. Don't. Use common English and you'll far outstrip these people in terms they won't ever fully understand; they'll understand just enough to furrow their big hunky caveman foreheads before going back to smashing rocks with their teeth.

Condition

Here's another addition to people's common lexicon that needs to go the way of that Napoleon Dynamite guy's career. Condition. You'll find this one being noisily rammed down your throat by newscasters. People whose sole job is to wear pancake makeup and read from a teleprompter NEED these words to distance themselves from you, the lowly peon eating his PC Butter Chicken in front of the tv. Afterall, anybody can sit in front of the camera and read a statement; Bush does it, Lindsey Lohan does it and Dummy Matt did it at least three times to explain to a Commission of Guelph University provosts why he didn't have any clothes on in the vet school and why the cats were meowing. Check out YouTube, they're hilarious!

Getting back on track, using the word condition is an attempt to elevate the speaker above you. Weather people do it all the time. They'll assess weather.........conditions. Adding the word condition makes it seems as you can't do it and you need their expertise. Guess what? You can check these very same "conditions" the pros do! Stick your arm out the fucking window! Tah-dah, you're checking the weather. Is the sky cloudy? Is the barometer falling? Are there large droplets of spherical water splashing onto the ground from above? It's raining!

Still not convinced? Wait for the news anchor to segue to the weather forecaster. He/she will say, "Let's go outside to Dick Brickface for the weather." THEY won't refer to weather conditions, that would defeat the purpose.

Moreover, just last week there was a fire chief on Breakfast Television describing a three alarm blaze which occurred overnight. He actually said that fire crews held back until the smoke conditions cleared. Fuck me in the ass with a wooden piece of house! They waited for the SMOKE to clear! How hard is that to say?

Impact

I think I've officially lost on this one, but fuck it, I'm going to fight it anyway. Impact is NOT a synonym for effect. Ignorant goobers use it as such and it's sickening. Positive impact, negative impact, lasting impact! How do you have a lasting impact? For those that really want to get technical, I'm still right. Pactus, the root word here, is the past participle of pascisi; to agree. Common usage meant to fasten things together, hence, the Family Compact.

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN EFFECT.

Ignorant

You'll find most people use this word horribly wrong and don't even know they've done it. Usually, these superdummies use it in conjunction with rude to form "rude and ignorant." At least, that's how it started. Eventually these cognitive misfits dropped the rude part and just went around ignoranting each other.

The worst part is, I think at some point, with the original phrase, "rude and ignorant" these slack-jawed plebs meant to say, "rude and indignant" but fucked it up like they do my Tim Horton's order each morning. Indignant, to rip off Lemony Snicket, in this case is a word meaning that something has assaulted the listener's worth. Ignorant means uneducated, unknowing, unpossessed of the requisite knowledge, shoe-tread intelligence or a Republican.

The irony of the misuse of that word by those who misuse it in this case certainly is lost on anybody.

And that folks, is a small selection of words and phrases which need to be discarded by people such that humanity may once again rise to its normal opulence and grace.

Also; the Season 3 premiere of Lost kicked ass!