Comment Corner

Folks,

Theatre tickets these days are rather pricey. Not that $11 is crippling or cause to break into cars scrounging up shitty Justin Timberlake or Bob Dylan CDs to hock at Deja Discs, but, factor in some extra coin for overpriced eats, challenging 10 year olds to Dance Dance Revolution deathmatches and giving quarters to kids after I smash their goddamn cellphones while they call each other from one snack line to the next and not only do you have a kick ass run-on sentence, but you've got a couple of bucks tied up in an evening.

Consequently, there are just a few things that I expect, nay demand, to have whilst I'm in the theatre watching the movie.

1. THIS ISN'T YOUR LIVING ROOM

Before the movie started, one old hag happened to notice that there was a spot of ice-cream on a seat. Imagine that! Pigs had slopped while they watched a movie. But, this battle-axe of a crusty old bat demanded full attention of housekeeping services. At a whopping minimum wage, I bet the employees were thrilled to learn that they were in the personal employ of Mrs. Bitch and that Mrs. Bitch's living room was dirty. She scolded the employees because they didn't seem to be emotionally crippled that there was ice cream on a seat, nor did the employees crush themselves with guilt. It was getting to the point I was ready to spike my large ice-tea off of her forehead. And I could have too, no disgusting goth kids were wrapping their sticky arms 'round each other trying to hatch crows in the back rows so I didn't need to scar them with water.
Eventually, Mrs. Bitch gave up trying to get the employees how the world worked back in fucking 1634 when she was a little girl. Needless to say, but she didn't succeed. If hypocrisy were a cannon, Mrs. Bitch lit the fuse and blasted a shitload of it 30 seconds later. After the employees left, off come her shoes, which apparently double as stench filters. A bog-like horror, smelling like the death of a thousand souls, wafted out of her feet. She peers over my way, attempting to lull me onto her side with, "Kids today huh? No real respect for things."

"Ma'am, your feet are staining my popcorn brown...do you mind?" I don't know if she left the theatre entirely or just moved, but at least she dragged her stench with her.

2. BATTLE SCENES ARE GORY...GET OVER IT

The movie was the 300. Guess what? The Spartans crammed themselves up in Thermopylae and ground the invading Persian army into creamed shit. However, for the queasy in the theatres who either don't understand this, nor understand the triple "R" rating for violence, nor understand that a running commentary isn't needed, please, shut up. If you have to ram your friend's head into your own mouth to keep the word count down, do so. Cringing at each slash to the head, spear to the gut or shield to the mouth with an "Oh", "Oh dear", "Oh my" or "Oh, goodness" is most likely going to lead to your own private re-enactment of Thermopylae out in the parking lot as you try to get into your Buick Allure.

3. THE DIRECTOR DIDN'T ATTEND THIS SCREENING. DON'T FUCKING CLAP

At the end of a movie you really liked, don't be a fucking putz and clap, least of all while standing. The director isn't there and he doesn't really give two shits what you thought of his movie. If you liked it, tell your friends to go see it. If you thought it was a retarded piece of barf, gather your items and walk out of the theatre. It really is that simple.

4. THE THEATRE WORKERS AREN'T PART OF THE MOVIE CREW

Here's a phenonmenon I didn't notice before. When people are shuffling out of the movie and a theatre worker happens to be nearby, idiots deluge them with questions about the film as though the floor-sweeper happened to double as the cinematographer. He/she probably doesn't know where the movie was filmed, how long it took, how they filtered the movie, how many extras were cast or how much you enjoyed some of the more artistic scenes. Keep on walking fuckface, we've got cars to get to and other places to go.

These are just a couple of the inherent problems with theatres not charging even higher prices to keep the uneducated stupid commoners out of the theatre with people like us, the gentle readers of the Comment Corner.

P.S. The Spartans lose at Thermopylae. Spoiler alert!