Comment Corner

Folks,

There's lots of things in the world we can do without. Volcanoes. Bears. Hyper-violent bears that live in volcanoes, are immune to napalm weapons and can beat the fuck out of a tiger in like, two rounds. On this, we can all agree. But those are large things. Things you're not likely to encounter unless you live near the mysterious Aztec god El Nino, who can fuck up weather patterns with a single cum shot.

But what about things that you do live near? How do you combat those things? Hmmmm? Unless you're the United States, you need a plainly identified enemy before you go roaring off to fight. I am currently contemplating the eradication from society of:

HEADLIGHTS THAT DON'T TURN OFF RIGHT AWAY AND YOU STAND IN THE PARKING LOT/GARAGE FOR 20 SECONDS JUST TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE GOING TO TURN OFF AND WHEN THEY DO YOU FEEL AN ODD SENSE OF HUMILITY BECAUSE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN OFF

Who invented this ridiculous option? It's patently useless. I have a garage. Inside my garage, some other intelligent engineer installed lights. These lights come on when the garage door opener goes on. Ipso ergo, there's fucking light in my garage when I pull the car in. I don't need the back wall of the garage blaringly lit up. It doesn't help me in the least, even if I'm sober. The same holds true for parking lots. I don't go to places at night that don't have light posts. Not because I'm scared, but because if the place is too fucking poor to have lights, I already know they have nothing that I need. That said, I don't need a heavy beacon alerting the rapists that I'm out of my car and they can come and rattle my ass harder than a gum-ball machine with a stuck quarter.

Anybody who was born before 1983 will tell you that lights that stay on after the car has been turned off means that YOU, the driver, have left them the fuck on. There weren't any clever computers flashing morse code to each other via the headlights to signal to other cars that the revolution has arrived. Car companies back then assumed you weren't an idiot. I don't know if anybody ever got out of their car, walked in front of it in the first 20 seconds and then fell down a 500 foot deep pit that could have easily been avoided had the damn lights been on. If you wanted the lights on without the engine running, to say, examine whether what you just hit with your car was a shopping cart or a small kid on a bike, or to light up the small grove of trees 2 miles north of town past that wooden bridge over Tucker's Creek where you dug a shallow grave to bury what turned out to be Dave's younger brother (Hey Dave!), you yourself got to turn on the lights.

The bottom line is, this isn't needed and it's time to rip out that lighty-circuit from your car and mail it back to the car company. Unless it's worth money. Then mail it to me.

PEOPLE WHO RESPOND TO TELEVISION AND/OR MOVIE TALK BY LOUDLY PONDERING HOW YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO WATCH THIS STUFF

These people need to be hit full-force in the side of the head with a swinging crane hook. Let's say you and a bunch of co-workers are shooting the shit about Ugly Betty. You make a comment that Judith "Always going to be Angela Bauer" Light has still got it and you'd totally let her make out with your dick. There's almost always going to be somebody who doesn't watch the show, is a shut-in hermit fucker, and tries to spoil the parade and hide their pop-culture inadequacy by asking, "How do you have time for this stuff?"

The insinuation being that somehow, they're off painting frescoes of the Virgin Mary or searching for El Dorado in their spare time while you're pissing away your life keeping current with everybody else.

So, throw it right back to them. "Oh..okay, tell us what you did with YOUR precious time you attention seeking glory-hog. And if it's anything less than cloning your own Serpentor from Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, Vlad Tepes and Linday Lohan, shut the fuck up and go elsewhere to be out of touch and miserable."

Gah, these people make my piss boil.

PARENTS WITH DUMB KIDS THAT THEY THINK ARE BUDDING GENIUSES, BUT REALLY, THE KID WOULD BE CONSIDERED LUCKY IF HE DIDN'T END UP IN THE CIRCUS EATING CDs

Everybody loves their kids, I know that. If it weren't for love, most parents probably would have flushed the whiny thing down the toilet the first time it wailed the whole night through.

But there's love and then there's delusion. It seems as though most people are unaware of a child's psychological developmental stages and the cognitve processes that develop accordingly. So, when a one year old correctly sticks the little fire-truck wooden-cut-out back into the appropriate fire-truck shaped hole, especially after a few tries of ramming it into the airliner shaped hole, they're not intuitive me's, they're average. When a kid knows that the chocolate milk is in the fridge, they're not brilliant, they're about as operantly conditioned as a hamster with an electrified pellet dispenser. Kids that are geniuses write piano concertos at age four, not successfully get Leon to kill a villager in Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition.

Ultimately, this overinflated sense of intelligence unsuccessfully collides with actual performance at school. The teacher's seen a truck-load of kids come through her kindergarten class and can grade with a much more objective stance than 99% of first time parents. So, when little Kyle the Coronated Genius takes a while to learn all of his letters, it's not the teacher's fault, it's the parents who lack the understanding that little Kyle is average and learns at an average pace.

There's also this lottery sensibility that goes with kid's intelligence. If the Spears can cronk out a couple of hot daughters despite being fugly themselves, perhaps then too can average parents hatch a Bruce Wayne.

Accept your child for being who they are. If not, they'll end up somewhere with somebody like me destroying their ego because they need or the next chapter of the Lost: Online Game isn't fucking loading again. Damn you, Talbot! I need to know where the Black Rock went!