Comment Corner

Folks, have you looked around yourself in the pop-culture mall recently? You'll notice that sequels, sequels, sequels are being rammed down your throat, up your ass and in your face with nary an original property to be found. For every original experience out there, like Lost, I'm deluged in other sissy fare like the Hills (except LC, although she can be too fucking prissy), Real World 28: Cuban Raft made of Floating Doors Destined For Miami but Drifting Towards Bimini and the Hills Have Eyes 9: For Fuck's Sake Don't Go To This Dumpy Town Anymore, The Mutants Are Pissed More Than The State of Georgia Is That A Black Man May Become At Least Vice-President.

So, rather than completely drip with diarrhea, Hollywood soon learned of the concept of "rebooting". That is, take an old shitty show that had a cult following but had become too campy (read: gay), polish that turd up and serve it anew. Actually, rebooting works and you get awesome shit like Casino Royale, Batman Begins and Battlestar Galactica. When it fails you get shit like the Invasion, Hallowe'en, Dukes of Hazzard, Miami Vice (fuck off, that movie sucked the dried clingy pieces of crust-shit off of those little asshole hairs right on your chocolate starfish from everybody in the theatre by the end of the credits) and the Hills Have Eyes, now that you mention it. But, too quickly those rebooted properties are sequelled, sequelled, sequelled and their awesomeness is diluted faster than Troy Glaus' human-growth hormone in a glass of orange-juice. Hey Troy, maybe next time that physician in Florida could Fed-Ex you some fucking hustle. Just a thought.

Since original properties are hard to find (save Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two gangbuster original properties that thankfully, haven't been sequelled) I'm suggesting the following properties be rebooted or sequelled.

BIONIC COMMANDO

Didn't think I'd mention a videogame did you? Well, smarten up, they're pop-culture now too.

Bionic Commando, when it was released, had it all. You didn't jump, you launched a grapple-hook towards whatever the fuck you wanted and instantly, green-dude with gun and bed-head flew off after the hook, swinging mightily and kicking Nazis in the teeth with an American boot of justice. (Yes, they were Nazis). You could claw a Nazi to death with it, or punch him backwards til the goose-stepping bitch tumbled into a river. Everybody knows Nazis can't swim. In the end, you fire a rocket square into a resurrected Hitler's tits and blow him back to his secret Argentinian beach villa.

This game was tough, there were no passwords, saves or level skips. Nobody takes a shortcut ass-kicking Nazis, certainly not the hard-ass Carrot Top guy you control here.

So where the hell is the sequel? Capcom, the game's producer, took a stab at it with Bionic Commando: Elite Forces but they may as well have called the game Elite Feces for all the misery it caused. I tracked that fucker down in a pawn shop, played it for 5 minutes before chucking it's buggy, horrid ass down the sewer to reunite it with the rest of the flushed shit in town.

This game is ripe for a sequel. It has the cult-following, the original was kind of campy (they called Hitler "Master D" as though kids were too retarded to recognize the picture) and you could easily reboot this thing.

GHOSTBUSTERS

Ghostbusers was one of the funniest movies ever made. It was awesome, the characters were well portrayed and the plot hung together quite well. Ghostbusters II really wasn't that bad a movie, although it didn't have quite the "ummph" of the first.

And what kid didn't go around pretending to have a proton-pack and a ghost-trap? What, only nerd kids? Gozer the Traveller loves those kids. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you! Bitches.

Moving forward, I've been hearing tons about a possible Ghostbusters III for years now. For a while, the rumour was that Bill Murray was a hold out, or the copyrights were too widely held to make it financially viable or Dan Ackroyd had fatted himself out of being able to fit in one standard camera lens. Now the rumour is that Ghostbusters III will be a CGI movie with all of the voices returning. Believe it when you finally see it. Till then, I guess we're gonna haf to take controoool, if it's up to us, we've got to take it home. And then punch Whitney right in her skinny dusty lips.

INDIANA JONES

Yes, I know they're making the sequel. I got so fucking stoked for it, I dressed up as Indy, walked into the local gas station and bull-whipped everything in sight. When the cops arrived, they saw my gear, knew I was the real-deal and took me on a ride-along to clean up the streets. We rewired the sirens to blare the Indy theme song. Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

ALIENS

This series is in desperate need of a reboot. Ridley Scott's original was good but James Cameron's sequel destroyed more ass than Kobe Bryant going gay on Fire Island. And here's the real kick in the nuts...they had everything they needed to create a kick-ass mythology. First movie, they find that big alien dude either as part of the gun or impaled on the gun...who the fuck is he? Second movie, a deleted scene has Newt's family mostly going out at night...mostly...to the alien site where it's her dad that gets the first alien in the face.

But, in the aftermath that's Alien III, the whole prison colony skid of dogshit before Ripley takes a triple half-gainer into the bubbling lead pool completely kills the burgeoning mythology dead. Alien Resurrection only resurrects the dumb-ass "deadly pursuit" motif of the original trilogy and does nothing for the whole thing. Alien Vs. Predator was a comedy. I laughed through the whole thing.

Reboot this franchise. Start with a small montage of a new Ripley fighting off an alien they discovered at the distress beacon before moving into the Colonial Marines returning to LV-426 (or Asheron) to determine the source of the aliens. This time, rather than the aliens invading Hadley's Hope, the Marines plus Advisor Ripley invade the distress beacon area and then discover shocking secrets etc. Things could escalate from a deadly pursuit of a platoon of Marines trapped somewhere in the facility to a whole shit load of Marines slugging it out with the aliens and their masters topside.

Fuck I rule! If only I could film it without getting sued more than my edition of Triassic Park.

TWIN PEAKS

Yeah, it was Leland Palmer who killed Laura in the original under the influence of evil Bob. Gay. Remove the devil aspect and make it a much creepier murder mystery.

And that folks, is all I have to say. Now that you're done reading, many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!