Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

As dictated orally to Dayseed.


Permanent LinkPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 3:45 pm 
Folks, too often it seems these days that there are product recalls. Either the Tim Horton’s coffee maker is overheating and burning down living rooms, Transitions glasses are causing corneal cancer or your Froot Loops contain a higher percentage of meth and lead than is recommended by the FDA. It’s too much to bear as an adult.

But, safety-nerds the world over are also concerned about saving children from toys that can maim, disfigure or snuff a kid right out. What you or I would call an awesome toy. In the early 80’s, toys used to be made of metal. They had lots of neat parts, spring loaded missiles and heat-activated decals. However, this sort of merry-making had to end because some little dipshit kid out there would figure out a way to ruin the toy by inhaling half of it. Suddenly, because one kid managed to cram Optimus Prime up his nose and bleed to death, parents freaked out and tried to sanitize the world. Rather than simply laughing at the parents of the dead dumb kid, the world mobilized to ensure that toys were ruined. I’m even being fair here and talking about intended use of the toy, like the Lil’ Logger Table Saw Playset causing a kid’s limb to come flying off, versus the insidious sanctions caused by a kid putting on a snorkel and burning the entire fucking pool down by playing the already shadily produced Xbox 360 at the bottom of the pool.

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What these sorts of measures ultimately do is remove the responsibility of supervising the child from the parent and place it on the toy manufacturer. Suddenly, the toy manufacturer is caught in the unenviable position of trying to make a toy not only safe for intended use, but now for any imagined misuse by idiotic retard kids left to their own devices. Also, the Supreme Court in the United States has been unmoved recently by claims that toy manufacturers are actually strengthening the American gene pool by skimming out unwanted child genetic blights. Rather, one crying kid leads to big pay out at the courthouse with a lawsuit. Tough kids? Tough shit. Kids are being made into pussies by a pussifying environment.

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Is there even a point to toy recalls? If the toy is indeed inherently dangerous due to design flaw, that’s one thing, but those toys, like the “Yummy Looking Bits of Throat Shaped Plastic Building Block” collection don’t fit the point of this article. But other toys, like Jet-Streamer Water Blasters get yanked because one kid jumped ass first onto it. When the executives were sitting around designing small water cannons, nobody could have conceived that a child would attempt to cram the thing up their ass by way of forced ramming. Not mentioned in the recall data are the actions of the parents that led up to the recall. Were the hillbilly fuckers too drunk to yank this shit out of the pool before allowing Sue-Ellen to cannonball from the top of the rusted refrigerator?

And these recalls have a chilling effect on other companies. Party Poppers were yanked from store shelves without a single instance of complaint. Why?

Fear. Fear of having a child strap 300 of them to the family dog in order to kickstart the Johnson family space-program. Fear of having a child wonder if the pointy top tastes different based on whether the fuse is lit. Fear of a dumbshit parent making a mobile for their kid’s cradle out of them. Fear of having an unsupervised child misuse the product and tear half their body off.

So what’s the point of a toy recall based on fear or misused items? The situations which lead to the need for a recall are based upon neglect, misuse and disowned responsibility by the parent. Whether it’s this toy or another that’s going to forcibly remove little Johnny’s lips is irrelevant, it’s the unsupervised environment that Johnny is in that’s going to injure him. Quite frankly, any toy can be the cause of injury. You could choke a man with a Dixie Cup, but you don’t see Dixie rolling out the recalls based on such an irrational fear. If a child managed to liquify a Dixie cup with mom's crack lighter and pour it into his ear, there'd be bulletins on CNN the next day with a Dixie spokesman apologizing profusely for not being able to imagine, in advance, that a child could so horribly butcher the intent of their product.

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We’ve got to stop nurturing an environment which supports the continued absence of individual responsibility. The alternative is that instead we let children play with nothing more than toys more boring than Bruce Willis’ continued dick-sucking of Ashton Kutcher everytime Ashton appears in public with Bruce’s kids and a reporter looks for Bruce to comment on Ashton. Goddamn, my analysis of Bruce’s behaviour is more interesting than Bruce himself.

That said, the only real ending I can think of is one where I simply go: The End.

The End.

_________________
Nam eloquentiam quae admirationem non habet nullam iudico


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