Comment Corner

Folks,

It's that season again, where many people all line up to march on down the aisle, committing themselves to either the love of their life or the skank who says the kid is his. Either way, joy is in the air and weddings are afoot.

But there are common elements that weddings run into that need to be corrected and pronto. I'm not talking about the maid of honour using a cell-phone mid ceremony to place racing bets, the father of the bride tongue-kissing the father of the groom near the back vestibule or even the bride full-force punching the groom in the side of the head.

I'm talking about little hilarious elements, (or not so hilarious) that seem to crop up that people choose to have in their weddings.

Basically, here are some elemental wedding no-nos.



THE MINISTER MAKING SHIT UP ABOUT RINGS

Often times, I have to endure the Minister (or Priest for you Catholic types out there) flat out making shit up about rings. Chances are, the bride went ape-shit in her burnt little brain dreaming about her ring. It would be huge, it would be magical and it would be the envy of all her retarded friends. Therefore, she had to have an overpriced ring to adorn her otherwise unremarkable hand. But how to justify such a bloated cost? Is it tradition? Is it symbolic?

Folks, it's neither. There's nothing intrinsically symbolic about a ring. It's a pretty fucking bauble that Victorian rich guys used to slop on the fingers of their Victorian whores (I watched From Hell again this weekend) as an ostentateous show of wealth. De Boers came up with a marketing campaign in the 30's to get people to make this bullshit ring a bullshit diamond ring. That's it.

So, when the Minister is forced to try and retrofit meaning onto some bride's cash-grab mentality, it's fucking hilarious for me in the audience. They'll claim the ring has no beginning and no end, just like the couple's love.

That's just stupid. All love has a beginning. Otherwise, the Minister is implying that you loved the bride, but were too busy fucking those Brazillian twins all the way through university to notice. And what about a second marriage? Did eternity break after the first spouse?

It's all dogshit and it's about time it stopped. The Minister should plainly announce, "Look at that honking ring, bitch soaked him good! Neeeeow!"

LIGHTING OF CANDLES

Another asshole ceremony that's cropped up to try and include the parents of the bride or groom. Family candles, unity candles, faith hope and charity candles. Bah. Knock this crap off. If you want to include the mothers of the bride and groom, have them stand up and show us the vaginas from whence they were pulled bloody and screaming. The most beat-up clam gets $50. Trust me, it's better than watching people nervously hold one candle in another flame and panic when it doesn't light right away.

SLIPPING IN ANOTHER LEG FOR THE REMOVING OF THE GARTER

The voyeur in all of us wants to watch as the groom removes the bride's garter such that he can whip it over his shoulder so some other unlucky sap can get married. Even funnier is when the bride's brother catches the garter and holds it up as a trophy not realizing it probably has a muff-hair of his sister's stuck to it.

However, certain yuksters want the groom to molest the leg of somebody not his new wife. So, as the groom is blindfolded, they'll whip in dear Aunt Agnes with her varicose leg as a gag. Then, watch in bemused horror as the groom removes the garter from some old bat, takes off the blindfold and throws up on her. Simply not funny, simply not entertaining. I have taken to standing up in mock confusement and shouting, "That's not your wife, that's some corpse freshly dug from the grave! And somebody wipe the cake off her mouth, it's gross." Obnoxious? Yes, but then so are weddings.

CENTREPIECE GAMES

I don't want your goddamn centrepiece. It's a piece of shit and I don't need any more pieces of shit in my bathroom, just about the only room which could handle such a flowered monstrosity. I don't want to stand up, check underneath my chair for stickers, hold hands and march around the table, do Simon-Says or elect a table representative to answer bride 'n groom trivia questions (that was awful). The bottom line is, I got dragged to the wedding, I was promised liquor and food at the reception and in exchange, I'll listen to stupid speeches and a first dance. Not included in that bargain are horrible parlour games for shit prizes invented by a retard of an MC.

I've MCed weddings before. Keeping in mind that MY mentality about weddings is the only one people should have, I kept that fucking reception moving and I received a shit load of accolades for doing so. Proof positive I'm right...again.

So, no centrepiece games. The bride and groom should take them all home to use as ammunition for throwing during their first marital argument when the groom wants anal.

And that folks, is a small list of things people should never ever do at weddings.

Also, throw buns at the bride while booing her choice of white. That's a hoot.