Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

CHILDREN



Why don't they just fuck off?

Fanaholics,

Have you noticed the intense increase in fucking stupidty surrounding adults about children? It is insane. All too often on the news, there's new indications that some diehard adult with a child fetish, his head firmly rooted up inside his ass and all the good intentions only fetal alcohol retardation can provide, is trying to sanitize the world for the children. If the gravel at the playground might skin a knee, we've got to pad the ground with reams of the finest silk and cashmere, lest the wee lads fall a few inches and bump their precious skin. If some kid gives a cement wall a rocket-kiss while tobogganing and dies, suddenly all children need a helmet, face-guard and parachute.

No child fails in school anymore. It may damage their precious little self-esteem to know they failed, so now the little darlings just didn't do as well as they could have. They sing songs glamourizing themselves. When I was in Kindergarten, we sang Farmer in the Dell and if you were a word behind or a half-note off, the teacher beat you with the piano. The cheese stood alone because it was socially awkward and we didn't reward its bullshit uniqueness, we ostracized it until it fell into fucking line. But this isn't the case anymore. Some school districts in New York state have dropped keeping score in games because everybody is a winner!

It is completely out of whack with reality.

Consequently, the Comment Corner is all too fucking pleased to present:

THE REALITY ABOUT CHILDREN

1. NOT ALL CHILDREN ARE SPECIAL Did you get that one? Too often, children are conditioned to believe that somehow, they hold this powerful wizard-like intelligence inside them, they have mad skillz and they can accomplish anything they put their wee little minds to. The average kid reads like shit, they spell even worse, they can barely take a punch and they wouldn't recognize a car transmission if you dropped it on their head. The bottom line is, the vast goddamn majority of them are going to end up as cogs in the great machine of society. When was the last time you singled out a gear-tooth in your watch and congratulated it on the wonderful fucking job it was doing? Oh, you didn't? Well, don't treat watch gears better than children. Give them a dose of reality.

2. NOT ALL CHILDREN WILL GROW UP TO HAVE FANTASTIC PROFESSIONS This one is usually thrust on children by dipshit prognosticating parents who couldn't stand the thought of their children spraying lawns with Killex and instead invent bogus standards for their children. If a child shows a small glimmer of interest in Mommy's camera, he's going to be the next Spielberg. If a child accurately picks up a ball, he's off to make $39,000,000 a year playing for the Yankees. Here's the reality. Some of you, right now, are raising whores. Whores that are going to sit on street corners sucking dick, ass, labia, toes or peanutty-shit for dollars a swallow. Right now, there are whores on the street and guarenteed, they didn't all trip coming out of their parents trailer nor was their fate ordained in the stars. Think your kid is going to be a fantastically brilliant doctor? Think again child-indulgent super-fuck, your child might need a fantastically brilliant doctor to figure out why they're suddenly pissing blue.

3. ARTIFICALLY BOLSTERING CONFIDENCE MAKES A CHILD WEAK Ever watch Doctor Phil? I do. Sometimes, I want to fly on down to his studio and spray his mouth full of carpet-cleaner and glass beads. I don't know what that would accomplish, but it would make for better TV than he's been providing lately. What was my point? Ah yes, on Dr. Phil, you can easily see the children that have been doted on, indulged and swaddled and the lasting effect it has on them. As they age, they slowly discover that the world isn't going to hand them the keys to the castle on a silver platter simply because it's them. They learn about this wacky-ass idea called merit and that reward and confidence come from those who strive and succeed or, fail and strive again. But they don't know how to do this because when they were supposed to be learning about failure, work and reward, the people who were supposed to be teaching it were lining up to blow smoke up their ass. Let your child fail. If the school wants to pass your idiot child because it would hurt their self-esteem to see their peers carry on, you're doing them no favours by indulging them. Let them spend the summer toiling in a coal-mine before you beat their stupid ass to and fro' school each day. If your arm gets tired, you've got to carry on, your child's eventual welfare depends on it. Try standing on their head until you regain strength.

4. SOME CHILDREN NEED DISCIPLINE The above point may not have made this as abundantly clear as it needs to be. Some children need discipline. They haven't figured out society doesn't want to bend to fit their over-developed ego and they break society's rules. Discipline your children. Broke the neighbour's window? Crack a couple ribs. Got caught stealing from a store? Brick to the mouth. Won't finish their homework? Drown their pet. Perhaps you've developed other methods of discipline that teach a child about the magical world of consequences. Good for you. And for the sake of whatever god you pray to, do NOT automatically defend your child to the police. If they're coming to the door with your stoned, blood-soaked child in handcuffs and a biting mask, you probably don't need to berate them about the wonderful little misunderstood saint you're raising. Chances are, they're bring to your attention some misconceptions you have about your child.

This fanaholics, is a Comment Corner call to arms! Copy this and send it to everybody you know!

UPDATE ALERT

I've received actual stories from people now who are updating me on just how right this post is: A junior kindergarten early childhood educator reports that it is their new mandate to let children do as they please with toys. That is, if a child decides to use a doll for a skateboard, the child's creativity is to be rewarded.

Send your horror stories subject line: Fuck_the_Children to day_seed@yahoo.com

The madness continues!