Comment Corner

Okay, the bitching can end.

Firstly, today, Toronto looks like fucking Hoth. I was shovelling and next thing I knew, I had to kill a goddamn Wampa. Then, as I was giving the sky the finger, I thought about what I would give to find out who's in charge of weather and stab him in the neck with a letter opener. A good old-fashioned Murdoch type fucking Mystery.

I started thinking about what I WOULDN'T give. Sometimes, people come up to you and say the most foolish shit that you can't escape from hearing. So you think to yourself, sometimes audibly, "I don't give a Jiminey Cricket raping Pinocchio about how much snow tires cost for an old Ford Festiva. I really fucking don't. Move aside now Bethany, I've got shit that matters to get done." In the press of emotion, we all draw upon the same few key things we don't give.

A RAT'S ASS

Sometimes people don't give a rat's ass. Or, as the case may be due to the slumping American economy, people don't give a half a rat's ass. They're saving the other half as an offering to the Snow Spirits to end this damn winter. But we say it like rat's asses are currency. Somewhere, somebody's got a bag full of rat's asses and he's King Shit at the agora. If rat's asses are accepted as currency anywhere, I bet it's the Middle East. Doesn't it seem natural to be able to buy falafels for rat's asses? Right now, amidst all the goddamn bombs, somebody is trying to haggle some other fucker down over a rug because some of his rat's asses are plump specimens. Rugs for rat's asses. And you wouldn't even give one half of one to find out why your Aunt Judy declared bankruptcy.

A FLAMING FUCK

But, we also don't want to give up our precious flaming fucks. Some people mean this figuratively; perhaps they're gay and taking one up the glory-chute just isn't worth it to find out why Doug was late for the third time this week. Other people value their asshole even more, and wouldn't give a flaming fuck for a new car. What about the literalists who walk among us? They've taken this one to dizzying new heights. If you had to set yourself on fucking fire like a Buddhist protestor and fuck the furniture salesman to throw in the ottoman for free; you my friend are one serious shopper. Think of the planning that would take. You'd need some sort of accelerant, matches, fuel, goggles and a fire-extinguisher handy just to use it as a negotiable item. "Listen there Stan, I'm not going to lie to you. My wife really has her eye on the Samsung washer/dryer front-loaders. Rather than pay $1500 for it, how about we call it $1000 even, I set my dick on fire and shove it in your mouth? Sound lollipop good? You go get the paper-work ready, I'll shave my bush." Later on, you could brag. "See that little baby over there? I really gave a flaming fuck to get it."

A FLYING FUCK

Most people think that a flying fuck means you're going to crotch-bang on an airplane. Figuratively, you could, but trust me, by the time you go to the airport, buy a ticket, go through security, board the plane, listen to the lecture, take off, get to cruising altitude, wait a wee bit to avoid suspicion, you're not going to be in any mood to let your boss tap your ass like a Maple tree to find out if you got the raise. Especially in that cramped little bathroom. But, a true flying fuck sounds dangerous and worthy. Picture King Leonidas in the 300 leaping in the air to throw the javelin at that Iranian transvestite ruler, but instead, he's nude and he's aiming his javelin at what hopefully is a wet snatch 20 feet below him and only inches wide. The sheer danger of it is what gives a flying fuck its worthiness. If you're going to let somebody leap off the top ropes and butt-fuck you, it had better be for a goddamn three week trip to France. When somebody says they don't give a flying fuck who got voted off American Idol last night, they ain't kidding. To get dick-smashed for something you could easily look up on the internet is just plain bad trading.

Well, that's it. I suck at endings, but I'm sure none of you give a rat's ass; it's not like I give a flying fuck if you do or not.