Comment Corner

Folks,

Movies, books, tv shows, video games and even Ye Olde "How come I'm not allowed a goddamn package of Twizzlers in here?" stage productions all have one thing in common. Heroes.

That's right. Heroes. And these heroes have to exemplify something to us, the audience, or we'll get right the fuck bored and start wondering what a pair of double-d tits would look like in zero gravity. (Editor's Note: They would look awesome) They exemplify those traits that we (well, you fuckers anyway) would like to believe rest deep inside us. They're bone-hard chiseled men who eat beef jerkey right off the cow's ass, punch ugly women for being ugly and vote for themselves in elections. They don't take shit, they don't mince words, they watch executions, they're never wrong and they never hesitate.

So, if you're writing a book about a fucking goddamn hero, a big shit of a man who's going to fix the world, fuck the girl and straighten out why Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica on DVD is in limbo, you're going to need a name. Percival Huggybottom isn't going to fix a-1 about anything. Percival's going to get his backpack stolen and miss the bus a lot. But Jack Brickcock? He'll punch a dude so hard all the heat will get sucked out on impact and freeze the fucker's head into shatterable ice.

What is it about the name that gives the one hero sudden credibility and the other total fru-fru? Well, while taking a shit one day, I figured it out.

It's the hard "K" sound, the kuh type sound. It's an aggressive sound, it leaps right the fuck out at you and throttles your balls until you listen up.

Take a little trip through Hollywood and you'll see what I mean:

Chuck Norris. There's a reason why he's Chuck Norris. Charles Norris would give you a perm and put ribbons on a car engine he was supposed to be fixing. Chuck Norris would kick your fucking face's ass right off.

Maverick. Does anybody remember Tom Cruise's character's name in Top Gun? Fuck no. He was Maverick. A good hard sound at the end. Maverick was in charge, Maverick went to Top Gun, Maverick beat all the bad-guys at the end. Goose? No wonder Goose was second banana; his name means a quick bop in the ass. Fuck Goose, glad he died. Other Maverick: There's no way some goofy dick named Brett is going to pull off the card-game of the century. Brett's at home, wondering if he should come outside in that dress.

Anakin Skywalker. Wow, look at all the hard K sounds in that name! He taught us it's okay to go into the desert to fuck up brown people's shit and slice them up if they harm you in the least. All they needed was Haliburton to have a non-tendered contract to rebuild the Sand People's village and it would have been complete. Then, next movie? Butchers children. Bruce Tittyheimer isn't doing that, is he? Nope. Three good K sounds, awesome hero. And who wipes the floor with Anakin's ass later? Both Obi-Wan Kenobi AND Luke "3-Kuhs" Skywalker. Han Solo fires his little blaster at Darth Vader to no avail. But Lando Calrissian blows up the Death Star. Did you think Boba Fett was a giant badass? Then why was he eaten by that giant sand vagina? 'Cuz he's a pussy and that's where he belonged. Ditto his dad, Jango Fett. All that gear and he gets his head lopped off like Marie Antionette.

Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer saves the world non fucking stop. John Bauer does your accounting and preaches about small tax-shelters you could be using. Jack Sheppard leads the Losties on Lost; John Locke is poised to become leader of the Others after Ben got his little bitch nose broken when JacK smashed him around good and hard. Hopefully Jack gets into a fight with Jacob, resident Island god and shaker of isolated jungle-shacks.

Kara Thrace aka Starbuck. Who's the badass pilot on Battlestar Galactica? It's Starbuck. She's the Ace of the fleet. And when not flying, good ol' Kara punches the shit out of Saul Tigh. Lee Adama? Buckles like a belt from time to time. Starbuck? Doesn't give enough of a shit to buckle. May cry, but hey, fuck it.

John McClane. Story about how average New York cop John McClane gets caught up in that Die Hard building. Is he average? Yippe-kayee no motherfucker! Two fucking kuhs right in a row and he's busting German thief ass like he was stealing cake from blind kids.

Albus Dumbledore. Surprised he's gay? Magicus Steakdick wouldn't have pussy-footed around with Voldemort. He would have bashed Harry the Horcrux's head in day one and stomped around England looking for shit and trouble. The damn series would have been 9 paragraphs long. But shit, you'd be dressing up as Steakdick for Hallowe'en!

Fox Mulder. His name had a close kuh sound to it, but not enough. That's why he got abudcted by aliens and forced to star in their evil shit movie Return to Me and the Red Shoe Diaries.

Cain or Kane. How many goddamn series use these names as either a first, last or nick name? Tons. I'm too lazy to list them.

Commando. Was there any doubt that Arnold Schwarzenagnngneres character John Matrix wasn't going to put up the highest body count ever? Rocket launchers, sawblades and a steam-pipe through a guy's chest. Awesome! John Rambo? Washed up green beret who manages to kill big fat Brian Dennehy, whoppity-snoppity doo.

See what I mean? Goddamn I'm right. I should change my name from Dayseed to King Karateprick. Yeah!