Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Too often today, kids, those little pierced things barely able to correctly shit, are way out of touch with anything funny, cool or lasting.

To wit: They lack anything close to Duran Duran, the Justice League of America and/or those little red strips of caps that were supposed to be used in cap guns but usually got scraped with a fingernail or banged with a hammer and some other kid would always find it funny to rip one and then inhale the smoke.

See? Kids today don't have that. They don't have anything truly unifying to have a cohesive, mutual childhood. Instead, they have weird anime (which isn't Robotech ~ all other anime being shit) cartoons, a bloated unfunny Simpsons, candy sticks instead of Popeye cigarettes and they'll never engage in debate over whether or not Zartan actually swore during one episode of GI Joe. (PS, he did. I think it was in the episode where Mainframe and Zarana fell in love. I believe he said, "Fucking fuck fuckeroo fuckdiddle fuckity-fuck, not this fucking again" and his dick was caught in the Dreadnok's hideout pop-machine.)

No, the 80's were a fantastic time to be a child. Not the, uh, 00's. Somehow, I don't see Spongebob Squarepants having the same nostalgic draw that the Wondertwins and that fucking space monkey do. But there are remakes of Justice League, the Teen Titans and Spiderman. I haven't watched any of the new remakes, but that certainly won't be an impediment to commenting on them. They suck. I doubt they over-use cliches like Batman whipping anything out of his toolbelt deus ex machina style, affixing the prefix "Bat" and then carrying on like it was completely logical. Case in point: Batman, I swear to God, once whipped out a Bat-Spider-Web-Projector-Ring. The sheer fucking foresight that would take to allocate precious room on the Bat-belt to a ring with a single spider web in it. Take that Spiderman and his Amazing Friends! Of course, Batman could simply plug anything he ever wanted into his Batcomputer which would in turn barf out an answer to anything.

Stay tuned for Part II later! (Translation, I took one normal length entry, chopped it up into two so I would have something new to post later...)