Comment Corner

Alrighty folks, this one is simple:

While I'm sad that Velvet Revolver has bitten the big one in the way that only Bill Hader could chug a man's hog to get a role in a movie, the world rejoices that the Stone Temple Pilots have reformed.

Who are the Stone Temple Pilots? Fuck you. They're one of the premier bands of the 1990's. You could blast any number of their songs at a chick and the heavenly sound waves would knock her up before the second chorus. Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant by straddling a speaker blaring Silvergun Superman and she'll give birth to a Dodge Viper because of it.

However, let's take an objective retrospective look at the albums that could inspire Jesus Christ to haul off the cross and thrash the fuck out;

CORE



The album that started it all. As soon as Dead and Bloated started playing on your CD player, you knew you were in for a better treat than getting a blowjob from a Swiss yodeler. Sex Type Thing, Wicked Garden, Plush and Creep were the radio singles and got the job done hard, especially the first two. Plush, meh. Creep, awesome. Unsung song on the album was Crackerman, a blaster rockfest about "a man, he's a man, crackerman, crackerman, he's a woman too." I don't know what it means either but I want to punch an old person when I hear it.

PURPLE



This was the album that really gave STP their bragging rights to rename Ezekiel in the bible to "Vasoline". The album kicks off with Meatplow and just keeps the fuck going. Not a clunker on it. Silvergun Superman being a personal favourite. Actually, Kitchenware and Candybars wasn't so thrilling, but it did lead into the secret track "Purple". Real fans knew to look for it because the back of the album had a cake with "12 delicious tracks" on it but only 11 were listed in the liner. God I rule.

TINY MUSIC



Can you figure out what I want? Less Tiny more Music. Okay, Tiny Music was written during the "Heroin years" of Scott Weiland's life which comprised from after Purple until three years from now when he's found dead, face down in a tranny hooker's lap at a bus-station in Oklahoma. It was okay, with a few standout tracks, but mostly it was an experimental mess. Adhesive was a morose piece of crap, Lady Picture Show was god-fucking-awful and Big Bang Baby was too sloppy to be enjoyable. However, Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart could smash a dick with authority and I like Art School Girl. Tumble in the Rough had a Lounge Fly quality to it that made it bearable.

No. 4



Okay, STP was in dire straits during this album's recording. Weiland was shooting more heroin than American kids were shooting bullets in highschools. Down and Sour Girl are the two tracks that save this album, otherwise, the other songs drown in a mess of unrelated riffs, beats and lyrics. Glide is the best example of this. Jesus Christ, what is that song fucking about anyway? The floaty lyrics sound like Weiland got nailed in the balls by an angry toddler throwing toys.

Shangri-La-Dee-Dah



The first half of Shangri-La-Dee-Dah was astounding. Dumb Love? It had a Nirvanish In Utero feel to it and I love the lyrics "Couldn't get outta bed
Ten ton bricks layin' on my head, Persecute the crucified, Kill a man for losing his mind." Everything up to Black Again was awesome. It was a new twist on classic stuff from the Core era. But then the album fell of the wagon in ways that only Scott Weiland knew how to do best.

Here's the bottom line folks, the Stone Temple Pilots reforming is the kind of shit that could heal wounds in the Middle East, it's that fucking huge to the ailing Rock genre.

The only thing better would be Chris Cornell finally realizing he needs Soundgarden back just as bad as they need him. What's Kim Thayill doing these days? Airport security? Fuck!