Istanbul's blog

**Posted:** Wed Feb 28, 2007 5:09 pm

So it is Thursday! It could not have come around too soon. Gus had been humming Donegan's ditty for days..

Putting on the agony... putting on the style
That's what all the young folk are doing all the while....
Ta ta dar ta darr...

E D was a joke to him. His sexual insinuations and frivolous behavior was driving me nuts. EmmyLou accompanied me to the Doctors Office. She was quite concerned about my snoring but not altogether unhappy with my E D condition. I would have to keep focused on her and not Mighty Chest's chest.
Edith greeted us with a big smile. "Ah you brought your daughter with you?
Emmy was mentally calculating her bra size so I replied; "No I am not her Papa, I am her S O. That's significant other to those in the know, you know?"
"Well yes but anyway, go right in, Dr Rosario is waiting for you." motioned Mighty Chest.

Dr Rosemarie R was reading my file so I sat down next to her desk.
"um snoring and E D your problem?" she stated. I guess it was a question so I nodded.
"Open wide" she said, depressing my tongue with a metal shoe horn. "Um yes that will do it. Once we get those tonsils out of the way your snoring will abate. Have Edith schedule a surgery"
"Oh and there is E D issue too I see. That can be tricky. Tell me when you first became aware of it?"

"Seventeen and a half days ago." I said. "I had undeleted my friend Gus's birds of Paradise pictures from Aussie. Then I hid them in my Naughty Pictures file in my Documents folder. That was the start of it. I was getting excited looking at them."
"Juvenile stuff" Dr Rosemarie said. "Every man looks at naked women without any ill effects."

"That's true Dr Rosie, can I call you Dr Rosie?" She didn't answer so I continued: "There was also a story among the pics about a blind man telling ladies' fortunes my feeling their bums." I think Gus was going to attempt that stunt so I figured I would try it first as I was by now really hot to trot.
Like burning the fire crackers at both ends. It read:

Naked buttocks can predict future, claims a blind German psychic. He says he can read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

The Clairvoyant claims that people's buttocks have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.

"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience," he said "It goes on developing throughout your life."

By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's naked buttocks, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness.

He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.

Well I zipped down to the flea market that's held every weekend in the park across the Fraser. I set up my sign emphasizing the 'blind man' as that was sure to give the ladies some confidence.
I wore my darkest shades, deepest hat and a fake moustache. The two man tent was ideal sized for two adults and a comfy stool.

"I want my future told" said a familiar low voice. My name is Peter".
Holy mackerel it was Peter from the E D Clinic! Talk about wilting!
"It costs $125" I gasped.
He hopped in the tent and dropped his draws in a flash. "No problem, I'm ready" he whispered hoarsely.
"I have to wait for the used engine oil first. I need to marinate your bottom in it for an hour. Maximum predilection which favours proclivity and rash predictions" I explained.

"Yucky" he said, did up his britches, flipped me a quarter and left. That was a close shave.

"So that experience caused your impotence?" observed Dr Rosie.

"Well no because soon thereafter lightning struck. Mighty Chest and her girlfriend strolled by." I carried on. "They had quaffed a pint or two so were in a jolly mood. Besides the price was right. Where else can you get your fortune told for nothing?
Mighty Chest had a lot of good fortune coming her way. I cannot recall the 30 minutes it took to complete her life's future. No man can tolerate that state of excitement for very long. Something had to give."

"And what would that be?" Asked Dr Rosie.
"The release valves I guess. But you would know more about the inner workings than me.
The valves were stuck. No way to relieve the woody."
"Huh? Oh that kind of Dysfunction!" exclaimed Dr Rosie. "I thought you were impotant. You should have spoken up. I could have fixed you up in a jiffy"

Now she tells me I thought. 17 days of hell with a permanent woody is no romp in the grass or crumbly cookie!
"So what did you do?" asked Dr R.
"Well naturally I consulted my friend Gus. Gus said he noted Emmy had a gleam in her eye the last few days so obviously she was not the cure. It must be mental he said.
Gus got a couple of pictures from somewhere and told me to study them for two hours 3 times a day. I was to drink 3 cups of strong black coffee and chew on a dozen red hot chili peppers.

On the 4th day it appeared to be starting to work. The woody was at 3 o'clock rather than 1 o'clock.
Gus was impressed with my progress because on the 5th day the indicator had sunk to 5 o'clock. He assured me all was on track and I would not suffer a relapse. As proof he dug up another picture. Well Doc it boomeranged. Woody was back at high noon in seconds. I was devastated."
Great balls of pickled catfish. She could make any peter stand up and pay attention.

"Gus has been messing up your mind Mr Istanbul." observed Dr R. We've not solved everything. We need to continue scientific investigation in the field to understand the patho-physiologic conditions associated your type of reverse erectile dysfunction, and of course to develop therapies that are truly corrective.
In the mean time we must return to the tried and true methods of the past.
The United Nations estimates approximately 322 million men will suffer from E D by 2020. So you see you are not alone.
Now unwrap it and we will see what we can do. Good idea of you to use duct tape to keep it out of the way, BTW."

Dr Rosemarie told me to view a picture on her office wall of a popular magazine queen. I was to concentrate on her newly purchased bust and let my mind idle any which way it wanted. I did just that, fantasising about Paris and Constantinople, Nice and Pittsburgh. It seems visual therapy is a valuable tool in the battle against E D.

Then Dr R gave the woody a hard whack with a rubber mallet. Had it been a bat hitting a baseball it would have been a homer. She had a wide stance for more power, took a full shoulder turn, kept the mallet on plane and came through the target line with amazing hammerhead speed and force.

The woody was history. It flopped and fizzled out before I could scream Tarzan's jungle call. The blood returned to my face and I was able to blink again. I had a sudden hankering for roast beef hash with pomegranate skins. A sure sign of returning good health.
Emmy had settled the bill with Mighty Chest, arranged for a tonsillectomy and was hustling me back home ASAP. When I give her the low down on the successful let down she will be in for a major disappointment.