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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:03 pm

So whats up with EmmyLou? Ever since Earth day she has acted strange. I figured I would buy Gus a few beers and discuss the matter. Gus is a earthy guy who soiled his pants regularly as a kid, so who more qualified to find the earthy answers?

When Gus arrived at Murphy's Bar and Grill I had the beer and pretzels waiting. Normally he manages a "Hi" before quaffing the first pint. Today however he had a few sips after the greeting. He looked grumpy as well.
"You OK Gus, any problems?" I had to ask.

"Well yeah. A few but the main problem is me Mum." replied Gus. "The latest is her foray into high finance. She wants to start a new financial institution. She even sent Buffett and Gates a email inviting them to join her company."

"What brought that on?" I wondered.

"It was this email to her that started it. Mum did keep quiet about it as it was part of the deal" said Gus. "Here is the letter"
________________________________________________________________________________

Deutsche Postbank AG.
London Branch61
QueenStreet
London EC4R 1AF.

Dear Sir/ madam
I am Mr. Damian Jones,Department of Foreign operations Deutsche Postbank
AG.London, formally ING-BHF Bank.On January 6th 2001, one Mr. Neal Walker,
an American National, a consultant/contractor with Gardiner & Theobald, a
leading firm of project and cost management consultants, made a numbered
time (Fixed) Deposit,valued at £6,500,000.00 (Six Million, Five Hundred
Thousand Pounds) for twelve calendar months in my Bank.Upon Maturity, we
sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his
contract employers (Gardiner & Theobald) that Mr. Neal Walker was aboard
the American Airlines Flight 587 which crashed into a residential area
near John F. Kennedy International Airport on November 12,2001
...

[ Continued ]

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Crossing the line.

Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:57 pm

So it finally quit raining, the sun came out, the birds were singing and the gnats were nattering. A good time to invite Gus over for a BBQ.
Emmy figured on a Alfredo pasta dish with Rhubarb trimmings but I knew Gus preferred steak or ribs. BBQing pasta may be in vogue but Gus, (and I too I might add) are still stuck in the ways of Cooper, Wayne, James and Gantry.

Emmy thought Gus looked disappointed with her menu selection so suggested a red wine marinated T-bone with navy beans instead. That was Gus's favourite dish. A delicacy pleasing to the most refined palate. So much so he has it every Thanksgiving before the turkey spoils his appetite.
I got the BBQ going.

It didn't help much. Gus still looked glum so Emmy slung him a beer with a "Whassup Gus?"

"It's me Mum" he said.

"Oh OH! Did she have a relapse?" I asked.
"Well no. She is fine. Just that she was banned".
"Banned" I blurted, "banned from what?"
"Her favourite forum" He said. "It seems she was in a hurry and forgot to add a SCB to a picture she posted"
"OK. Now what is a S C B?" queried Emmy.
"SCB is a Self Censored Bar" Gus explained. "Mum belongs to the BC chapter of Sunny Side Nudist Bridge Mix Club of Sacramento, California, USA.

They have a lively forum and livelier chat. Normally members paste a bar over the member's member in a full frontal picture.
Mum and her bridge group were trading baby pictures. To two members she added the SCB. (Self censored bar). To the other she forgot and got a stern warning from a Moderator. Then she was banned. Really sad. ...

[ Continued ]

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Tale in two cities.

Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:16 pm

So how did it happen? Where and how did Istanbul go wrong? What drove him to his near hysterical breakdown? It happened soon after England lost their world cup cricket match to Zimbabwe so could that be it?
Dr Rosemarie Rosario agreed to make a house call which in itself was quite unusual, but it would have been foolhardy to remove the restraining handcuffs and cart Istanbul to emergency. Also as a security backup Istanbul's bootlaces were tied together. After a few beers he was incapable of doing them up never mind undoing them. If he escaped he wouldn't get far.

Dr Rosemarie R observed the curled up quivering mass of bones for a few minutes then at a opportune moment nipped his nostrils closed with two fingers. Eventually his mouth opened and Dr Rose popped a few bright blue pills down his throat. Muscle relaxant she explained as he straightened out. Then she produced a syringe, the type used by veterinarians on mules. She emptied it into Istanbul's left buttock. Muscle relaxant she said. It immediately quit quivering and vibrating but not so the right one. It had a mind of its own. Shaking and bouncing like jelly pudding or Emmy's breasts while jogging or trampolining.

DR Rosemarie said to give him a few minutes and he will settle down, nap for awhile and be good as new when he awakens. But in the interim she wanted to know what was the root of the problem? How did he fuckup so badly? She didn't quite use those words exactly but more like .. what psychological explanation is there why he wasn't institutionalized early in life?
EmmyLou said she knew or had a good suspicion. Gus said he could only guess.

Gus's guess was absurd. Dr Rosemarie dismissed it at once. Emmy was not so sure. Gus said...

[ Continued ]

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The skinny on climate change.

Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 10:37 pm

So Gus drops in for a visit. Actually for a light lunch. Actually for a beer and some munchies.
Emmy tosses Gus a beer and a bag of pretzels with a "Whatssup Gus?"
"The beer is warm" replies Gus. "Must be Global Warming!"

"Don't be flippant regarding the coming apocalypse Gus" replied an indignant EmmyLou.
"I'll have you know Al Gore won a Oscar for letting the cat out of the bag with his enlightening documentary on climate change. The sea is going to rise 22 feet in 44 years"

"That was all rebutted with the following documentary: The Great Global Warming Swindle (2007). Man made climate change is a hoax designed to divaricate addlepated boneheads and their specie with startling prematurity" I wisely smirked.

"But you can't deny the world's temperature went up 1/2 a degree this last century. The icebergs are melting and the polar bears are slipping into mush" retorts Emmy.

"Here's proof" added Gus, flipping a couple of pictures across the table. People are hot. Hotties are shedding their sweaters, socks and shoes.

"The Earth slowly but surely warmed half a degree in the 19th century, the same amount in 18th century and over the course of the latter part of the 17th century. Ice core samples in Greenland prove it," opined Emmy.

"Maybe the Earth is still recovering from the Little Ice Age," Gus says, "indicated by the consistent rate of warming over the centuries."
"You just a Holocaust denier" observed Emmy. Al Gores graphs of CO2 rising and global warming...

[ Continued ]

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Who dunnit?

Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 8:15 pm

So who done it? I hate mysteries. Sitting around the kitchen camp stove slurping coffee while waiting for the muffins to burn, EmmyLou asked the $64,000 question.
Who dunnit?
Well I know it wasn't me but how to convince the others? Emmy suspected me, I thought it must be Gus and Gus figured it was Emmy.
Strange stuff suspicion.
Someone in the know said an engaged woman is always agreeable. Her cares are over and she feels that she may now please without suspicion.
Is that why Gus suspected Emmy? Didn't make sense as Emmy was not engaged. Spoken for but not engaged. Pleasing yes but engaged no.

I had to bail Gus out of the slammer last year. Seems he was relaxing on the White House lawn after making large footprints in the rose garden. He had carved the "Bigfoot" ape like feet out of a cedar stump, strapped them over his boots and tromped through the garden. He wanted to give America their own Himalayan Snowman.
However the Feds frown on foreign subjects imprinting descriptive tracks in the sod while near the Oval Office.
Anyhow they also stated that there was no indication that he was linked to terrorist activity. But doing that kind of thing leaves Gus open to suspicion.

Why Emmy suspected me is anyone's guess. Maybe it was because I worked too hard? Confucius said "Look for an occupation that you like, and you will not need to labour for a single day in your life." So I did, excelled at it and got to the station in life where I am today.
Not without more than my share of pain mind you. My ginger hair suggests I am more sensitive to pain than blonds. It is now common knowledge that female redheads require more anesthesia to block yelping in response to playful stimulation.

Gus says redheads can put away more booze than blonds but tolerate pain less. He cited the time two lady friends tripped over him, both alcohol sedated, both hurt themselves on the curb.
Both moaned and groaned. Both rubbed a bump on their heads. But only one...

[ Continued ]

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