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Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 5:09 pm

So it is Thursday! It could not have come around too soon. Gus had been humming Donegan's ditty for days..

Putting on the agony... putting on the style
That's what all the young folk are doing all the while....
Ta ta dar ta darr...

E D was a joke to him. His sexual insinuations and frivolous behavior was driving me nuts. EmmyLou accompanied me to the Doctors Office. She was quite concerned about my snoring but not altogether unhappy with my E D condition. I would have to keep focused on her and not Mighty Chest's chest.
Edith greeted us with a big smile. "Ah you brought your daughter with you?
Emmy was mentally calculating her bra size so I replied; "No I am not her Papa, I am her S O. That's significant other to those in the know, you know?"
"Well yes but anyway, go right in, Dr Rosario is waiting for you." motioned Mighty Chest.

Dr Rosemarie R was reading my file so I sat down next to her desk.
"um snoring and E D your problem?" she stated. I guess it was a question so I nodded.
"Open wide" she said, depressing my tongue with a metal shoe horn. "Um yes that will do it. Once we get those tonsils out of the way your snoring will abate. Have Edith schedule a surgery"
"Oh and there is E D issue too I see. That can be tricky. Tell me when you first became aware of it?"

"Seventeen and a half days ago." I said. "I had undeleted my friend Gus's birds of Paradise pictures from Aussie. Then I hid them in my Naughty Pictures file in my Documents folder. That was the start of it. I was getting excited looking at them."
"Juvenile stuff" Dr Rosemarie said. "Every man looks at naked women without any ill effects."

"That's true Dr Rosie, can I call you Dr Rosie?" She didn't answer so I continued: "There was also a story among the pics about a blind man telling ladies' fortunes my feeling their bums."...

[ Continued ]

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Mighty Chest will be the death of me.

Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:02 pm

So I gets to my appointment early. Gus said it was the early bird who gets the worm.
Hehee. I thought that fitting as I did have naughty thoughts about Dr Rosemarie R on my last visit.
I had two hours to wait so made myself comfortable. Well as comfortable as possible.
I couldn't chance falling asleep as my snoring may scare all the kids in the waiting room. I couldn't remove my trench coat as that may scare the nurses and the receptionist.

You may remember the receptionist? Edith of the mighty chest?
Well bless her soul. She was aware of my boredom so suggested I read some magazines. She waved at a pile on the table. US News and World Report. The Economist. Vanity Fair. New York Times. Nothing that would interest a up and coming Yuppie.

There was a box of toys in the corner that caught my eye. I grabbed a slate and a box of chalk that was buried under the teddy bears. Not interested in the crayons as I needed to erase stuff. I love to doodle on the back of envelopes and the like. Much like Lennon of the Beatles did when composing new songs and music. Also I am a whiz at Tic Tac Toe or as Gus says, Naughts and Crosses. I use the white chalk for me and blue chalk for Gus. I make his moves for him when he is not here. Man you would not believe the silly moves he makes. Walks into my traps every time. I always play the X's not the O's. I'm not prejudiced.

Edith of the mighty chest got real ornery when she noted my cheque from my last visit was returned NSF. I was administering the blue chalk side a "grace de coupe" slash for the thirty third straight win when she rudely interrupted by placing the stamped 'Not Sufficient Funds' cheque on my slate. This could have been embarrassing had I not the foresight to bring the grocery money with me. Mighty Chest was mollified with the cash. EmmyLou is going to be horrified. I will be terrified for sure. Maybe even crucified. Well not figuratively but you get the drift.

The last bill...

[ Continued ]

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Jumping to conclusions and E D.

Posted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 12:30 am

So I wakes up bright and early, a bit after 10 am. 54 minutes past to be more precise.
EmmyLou must be up doing the dishes or the laundry. She knows I don't like to partake of breakfast before enjoying my Cuban cigar. I smoke half of it but do not inhale. A tip I stole from slick Billy. After breakfast I will light up the other half and watch it smolder away over a cup of coffee. Every second week I will switch which half gets smoked and which half just burns away. I got that "prevent acute bacterial meningitis" advice from my supplier Juany, the Cuban tobacconist. He fled Cuba to escape persecution by their Cigar Industry as they objected to his competition I guess.
Scary the way they went after a poor peon lettuce and cabbage farmer who had a capitalist home based hobby on the side.

Imagine my shock to see that the dishes were untouched. Well she is busy with the laundry I guess. Must be trying out that new wash board I got her for Valentines day.
Nope that was untouched too. The seriousness of my situation began to sink in. I was all alone. Emmy must have been kidnapped while I napped. A home invasion?
She certainly would not have left me on her free will. But what if she had?

I know I had a great struggle in using suitable words in our analytic relationships.
I suspected Emmy was lusting for my body if not my mind, was feeling low, needed company and attention to her inner feelings. I needed the male needs of care about my outside habits, like cooking and cleaning up after me. We were a natural match I'm sure you would agree?
Even the vicious killer Hitler could not resist a women’s rack. In the field the lack thereof often led to feelings of confusion in him. That lackatouchy made it difficult to foster significant battle changes. So he lost the war. Simple as that.

She must have left me for Constantinople. She did say last night my ideas have consequences. I thought she was more flexible than she actually was. I...

[ Continued ]

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One day my ship will come in.

Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 11:35 pm

So Gus is back and coming over for a visit. That is fine with Emmy as she wants him to remove his Harley from the living room. I had to store his motorbike there when he went to Oz. It was the only empty room available for secure storage since the furniture was reclaimed by that horrid mamby pamby Sheriff. Bloody Poofter!
Don't ask whats in the garage but both boarders intend to move out before the 12th proximo.

However Gus's visit was not so fine with me. I had enticed EmmyLou to sharing one of my hot tubs and wined and dined her while she relaxed. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach it's been said. Mebbe so, but to a woman's heart nothing beats hot feet, pretzels and beer.

Gus tends to hang about til the wee hours of the morning. I knew my carefully laid plans for a romantic interlude before Emmy turned into a pumpkin was gone, lost ..... never to be realized.

I had muted the television news as it would have been distracting.
Watching that news anchor phallic symbol deliver the news may register in Emmy's subconscious. That was part of my carefully laid plans to romance EmmyLou. Some people try soft music and candle light.
Hot feet, male sex symbols, pretzels and beer. A winning combination I heard at Murphy's Bar and Grill. I even had a package of Clintons under my Humphrey Bogart fedora.

Seduction Methods worthy of Examination.

"And then one should search... for connections, conditions and situations that have acted at once or slowly, and with which perhaps the origin may be justifiably linked... Moreover, it is necessary to understand why these conditions and situations have brought about such results, when in another person they would occur without the slightest effect; and furthermore, why they all lead in the case of one person to just such a complex, while in another to a totally different one."
- Pavlov

Other...

[ Continued ]

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Birds and Birdman.

Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2007 12:50 am

Gus finally got some bird pictures past our self appointed censor- EmmyLou. Only about four or five of the 127 he posted survived the blood letting. When she goes to the mall shopping with her friends I will undelete them and hide them in a password protected hidden folder. I have a separate folder in my Documents labelled "Hidden files and naughty Pics" To ensure the privacy there is also a stern warning to stay out, no peeking allowed!

I also keep racy and riskay jokes there. The French always seem to be able to come up with a word that says bad things in a nice way. English does not have a equivalent to the French word "riskay". I love the way EmmyLou mispronounces "riskay". It comes out like ris ka' with the emphasis on the 'a'. The Canadians in the Gaspe region got it right. It is 'risk eh'! Eh?
It is almost lewd and sometimes gets me going through my naughty files checking on old Austin car starting procedures.

So far I only have one 'riskay' joke in my Naughty Pic Folder.

Paddy is stopped at a guard checkpoint, he is taken into the station on suspicion of drinking and driving. The copper produces a breathalyzer at which point Paddy slaps his laddie on the counter and says: "Try putting it on that as its the only thing I'll be driving home tonight!!!!"

Hehehehee. I will tell that one to Gus when he gets back.

Here are the Birds BTW. (Emmy's SO learns quickly).