Istanbul's blog

**Posted:** Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:02 pm

So I gets to my appointment early. Gus said it was the early bird who gets the worm.
Hehee. I thought that fitting as I did have naughty thoughts about Dr Rosemarie R on my last visit.
I had two hours to wait so made myself comfortable. Well as comfortable as possible.
I couldn't chance falling asleep as my snoring may scare all the kids in the waiting room. I couldn't remove my trench coat as that may scare the nurses and the receptionist.

You may remember the receptionist? Edith of the mighty chest?
Well bless her soul. She was aware of my boredom so suggested I read some magazines. She waved at a pile on the table. US News and World Report. The Economist. Vanity Fair. New York Times. Nothing that would interest a up and coming Yuppie.

There was a box of toys in the corner that caught my eye. I grabbed a slate and a box of chalk that was buried under the teddy bears. Not interested in the crayons as I needed to erase stuff. I love to doodle on the back of envelopes and the like. Much like Lennon of the Beatles did when composing new songs and music. Also I am a whiz at Tic Tac Toe or as Gus says, Naughts and Crosses. I use the white chalk for me and blue chalk for Gus. I make his moves for him when he is not here. Man you would not believe the silly moves he makes. Walks into my traps every time. I always play the X's not the O's. I'm not prejudiced.

Edith of the mighty chest got real ornery when she noted my cheque from my last visit was returned NSF. I was administering the blue chalk side a "grace de coupe" slash for the thirty third straight win when she rudely interrupted by placing the stamped 'Not Sufficient Funds' cheque on my slate. This could have been embarrassing had I not the foresight to bring the grocery money with me. Mighty Chest was mollified with the cash. EmmyLou is going to be horrified. I will be terrified for sure. Maybe even crucified. Well not figuratively but you get the drift.

The last bill was $39.85 plus $20 for the rubber cheque. I forked over $60 and told Edith not to worry about the 75 cents change. I figured Edith was the type who appreciated magnanimous generous spenders.
"What do you do?" Edith asked looking a little bewildered. "I am a mathematician" I answered. "I work with numbers, both positive and negative ones."
Now she really looked baffled.
"Hey don't be intimidated by the presumed difficulty or complexity of Math" I assured her. "There is an inherent beauty in the discipline, the obscure symbols, the rounded numbers."

My eyes got glassy and a tear rolled down my cheek splattering on the chalkboard.
How could I explain to Mighty Chest how mathematics affects almost every aspect of her life? From civil law to botany? The curve of her mascara framing blue orb like pools of sensual promise? The tensile strength of her wired bra. We should all appreciate the delight and gratification that mathematics brings to us. Its principles pervade the fields of engineering, architecture, medicine, marketing, finance, ping pong, economics, agriculture. You name it.

Of course some people thought tax audits and root canals hurt less than algebra. Math was in the same category as pain, kidney stones or childbirth.
Mighty Chest Edith said; "I never saw the point in equations. I failed Algebra multi times in college!"
Her parents couldn't tutor her anymore, (Lord where was I?) she was lost, on her lonesome.
"The variables flummoxed me" she mumbled.
"Well Mighty Chest," I said."Variables are the heart and soul of Algebra and is not that difficult to understand if one has an open mind"
"MIGHTY CHEST?" Edith shouted, causing a stir in the waiting room. Two burly trucker types got up and left, cancelling their E D appointments.

"Well 'er Edith that is a common variable used in geometric theorems and whatnot. Why Copernicus was the first man to realize that the world, the planets all revolved around the bosom of the universe. The sun, the sun that is." I stammered.
"Here is a example" I kept up, grabbing my slate. "If 38 = X -26 -36 what is X the variable?
It had to be isolated so we add 26 and 36 to both sides and we have 38 + 26 + 36 = X. It figures! X = 100. A perfect 10, ten times ten, correct 19 times out of 20 with error factor +- 3%."

The phone rang deflecting Edith's attention. Rescued by the Bell. That reminds me. I must tell Gus our Express View dish is not working anymore. They must have changed the key codes so to be sure to bring his blackbox decoder.

A lady came over to look at the Teddy bears and dolls. She chose "Ken", sat down and said she was interested in astronomy and the environment. She had heard me mention Copernicus and wondered if he was related to that hunk Mr Atlas?

The doll Ken.

She had a low voice. Reminded me of when I would whisper sweet nothings in EmmyLou's ear whilst twixt the sheets. Her short dress didn't do much for her hairy legs either.
There's something sexy about a flapper-style purple striped dress for after five happy hours but to wear one to a E D clinic? Some people have no class. It had a beaded starburst design and a V-neck that would have flattered Edith's face and revealed enough of her cleavage to die for.
It did no such thing for this guy/gal. It did not take me too long to figure he/she was transgendering. I could see part of a grey woolen sock sticking out of his/her bra.
"Tell me about Copernicus" he/she whispered, eying my trench coat.

"Well about 500 years ago Copernicus was a skilled mathematician. He was a professor of mathematics at the University of Wittenberg, in Poland. He died two months after publishing 'On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres' in 1543 at Nuremberg.
Copernicus advocated a heliocentric system where the planets orbited the sun and not vice versa. He even said the earth rotated on it's axis once a day. Of course no one believed him as looking at the ground nothing is moving. He also established the order of the planets. No mean trick in those days with no television or sliced white bread."

"I see" Peter replied. He/she looked a wee bit disappointed. He/she told me his name was Peter for now.
The receptionist came over and set them about 20 inches from my nose.
The clinic was closing as Dr Rosemarie R was called away for surgeries elsewhere. Apparently a bus carrying a basketball team had driven into a immovable object and her expertise in reattaching members and digits was urgently required.
Edith said our appointments were rescheduled for next Thursday and hoped it was not too inconvenient for any of us.

If only she knew my problem. Another week of living hell.
Well until then I will carry on. Suffer in silence, stiff upper lip and all that.