Tatt's mind

I will first off say I am NOT a Christian, but this is what I think about Christmas and what the person it was named after would think about the shit I saw today. I think Jesus was a prophet and believe he stood as one of the first true humanitarians on record and would be disheartened about the day I had. The reason why I think this is because he befriended prostitutes and murderers, which most in this day and age consider the scum of the earth. I believe, If i am right, he was non-judgmental and wished in his heart for love and peace of all. The world has lost site of these very simple things...I am guilty as well.

So this is coming up to his, in some religions, his birthday. It is supposed to be a celebration, but what I witnessed today would make anyone reconsider Christmas.

I went shopping for presents, we dont do anything big...a couple gift cards, some movie passes and a restaurant card...but I will get to the reason later. Well when I was getting these things I saw a women berate her child, which appeared to be about 5, to the point where I said something. It was horrible, this poor kid was probably dragged from store to store in the search of the perfect present to impress someone at Christmas. I said something, it wasnt the most pleasant convo, but I just informed her that if she wanted her child to appreciate the meaning of Christmas she should set a better example....it wasnt as polite as that though. The next incident, in the same mall, was a couple..they were arguing over what to get each others parents. It ended with them getting nothing for anyone or themselves!!! WTF????...maybe they can get divorce papers...

Maybe I am naive cuz I was never raised in a house, nor ever raised my kids in a house, where presents represented Christmas, but I found it to be a very horrible experience. As far as I am concerned Christmas is nothing but...

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I was super tired and forgot my IPOD was in my jacket pocket and washed it I cant believe I did it...freaking dumbass move for sure. The problem is now i realize how much i need my IPOD for commuting on public transit. People talk on buses...who knew and really I have never cared to find out.

I was heading in at my usual 5:45am bus ride and about 10 minutes into the commute an argument started. It seems that this one slope head individual did not like the Spanish language and didn't want anyone speaking it around him. Two young guys were talking, quietly in Spanish, and the Neanderthal snapped. He stood up and yelled in their faces 'Why did you come to Canada?'...the poor dudes looked really confused as did everyone else...remember this is 6am. to the credit of the two Spanish guys they tried to ignore this moron. He started screaming at them telling them to speak English in the country HE was born in. A gentleman at the back yelled at him to sit down and shut up...that 'its a free country and they can speak whatever they like'...to which the Moron said 'you sit down and shutup'...Brilliant comeback since he was already sitting down.

Of course I hate people yelling for asinine reasons and he was getting right in these guys faces, so I said to him. 'dude sit down and shut the fuck up...we don't want to hear your shit'...he said 'well i was born in this country and I have a right to tell these 'Spics' (nice eh?) to speak English'. I let him know that it wasn't the fault of the other riders or the country of Canada that his Uncle knocked up his mommy and she squeezed him out on this side of the border...So shut the fuck up!!!

He looked really confused, sat down and Shut the fuck up. The bus erupted with laughter and Neanderthal had to ask the guy sitting next to him, if i had insulted him. How do some people get a bus pass, is what i would like to know? And I promise if i...

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My best friend is good with his end of life...im good with it. We have come to terms that this will be it. We have hung out on the top of St. Pauls...it has a nice garden, it would be nice just to go to English Bay one last time. I think we can pull it off...what is there to lose. I know it sounds morbid but we think it would be best if we went to English Bay and he passes there...but it was a safe haven when we were kids.

We used to take the bus down and hang out at English Bay when the world around us was going to shit. When we were so outta it, it was the only place the 'people' werent following us...(inside joke on that one)
English bay was a sancturary...We think it maybe the place. Why not, i dusted my moms ashes there at 3am with my Bud...why not spend the last few moments in the most monumental place on the planet?....Im thinking its a great idea, screw what the doctors think...we can do it. Last wishes, that is all that counts...I know they will go along with it...im quite convincing.

Its gonna be a shit time, but I have been through this before and i will get tougher...Hell we were in the same hospital on dialysis when we were kids, his treatment didnt work so well...mine pretty damn good...who knows for how long, but im gonna live it til im gone.

So English bay it is...Oh and maybe the Macs that we used to stare endlessly at the chocolate bars at...cuz we were so baked...we used to freak the clerk out it was funny shit...not too long ago either

It will be good times...it will be a highlight and an honour to be at his end...not many can be at a loved ones end and for that i am very honoured and special.

Some folks know that my best friend is dying. Well, i just got the call to go to hospital...Im Scared. He said not to come until morning, so that i can sleep, I CANT!!! We made a pack to be the next of kin for each other...we have fucktards for family. He asked me to bring his brother, i asked if that was neccessary, he said yes...he wants his brother and next of kin. I am terrified, what does that mean... i have lost my sister, my mama, but this is my best friend....this is the person that came out to me...this is the person that knows all about me. This is my childhood bestfriend, not many of us can say that. I have known him since i was 3...its a long time. Im scared. We have dreams to travel the world together...it wont happen, im doin it on my own. I love him with all my heart, he is my brother, not by blood, but by life.

Its hard to sum up in a paragraph what someone means to you or has impacted your life, but here it goes....He has given me strength, when no one good ever. He stood up to adversity when people were bashing him, he stood up and was proud of who is...can we all say that?
He gave me Love...when no one else could...he excepted me for who i was, no matter how much I fucked up in the eyes of the rest...he stood by me for who i am. When I had a child as a kid he stood by me and said i could do it. When my mama died...he said i could make it through it...i did. When my Twin died, he said i would survive...i did. When my life tanked he brought me up...i came through...what do i do now?

I survive again but without my best friend...I live the list we have made, its too early for me to do this...i really thought he would be around for a few more years....again im wrong. Again...Im Scared....What do I do now?

This is my best friend since i was 3....im just so scared i wont live up to what we should have done together....im terrified i have to say this is it...you have to go...no more...I dont know if i can be that friend. I dont want him to suffer...

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So I went out and bought a pack of smokes!!! YES I fucked up!!!
I was talking to my friend on the phone and he isnt doing so good, so I got stressed...the treadmill didnt work, the tea didnt work and the deep breathing didnt work. I bought a deck of smokes
I had a smoke, got really dizzy and puked...guess im not supposed to smoke..im pissed at myself. I have been doing so good since December 23...WTF?
I just dont get why i would do that...I threw the deck away, but I still had one!!!

GRRRRRR...I hate when i fail, I am the poorest loser in the world and get really hard on myself. I know I shouldnt have even bought them, even when I was buying them!!! But I went and did it anyway...what a loser

Oh well...I guess i have to figure out how to learn from it and find alternate methods of dealing with adverse stress...I already use exercise fanatically, and my diet is better than most athletes...so i am at a loss on what to do