the flower bed

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Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.[/align]

I look forward to the day when I'm old and can say what I want when I want.

When I was a little girl, I was quiet and did what I was told. I was happiest curled up on a chair with a good book and a bowl of fruit at my side. I was my step-grandfather's favourite because I was quiet, but also because I genuinely loved him, ornery ol' cuss that he was. I didn't stick up for myself much because I was shy and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I envied my older brother and younger sister for their ability to open their mouths and let the words fall out, consequences be damned. The few times I made a conscious effort to assert myself I ended up feeling guilty because someone felt hurt.

Around grade 8 or 9, I started to change. I spoke up more often, and was surprised at how much I could get away with.... so long as I didn't do it too often. (there are advantages to being a good girl ) I'm still somewhat reserved in certain situations, but very outspoken in others. I believe this is why I was voted class leader in the course I recently took - when something needed to be said, my classmates looked to me to say it, because all the instructors were my age (or younger), so I wasn't intimidated by them.

Which brings me up to the present. Since my grandparents died between 75 and 82, I'm officially middle-aged. The little girl I was still lives inside me, but the old lady I hope to be is clawing her way closer to the surface. I try to be polite and mindful of people's feelings but sometimes enough is enough, and I need to speak up. I'll happily accept the consequences, because I'd rather go down in flames than quietly smolder away till there's nothing left of me but ashes.