the flower bed

I love driving in my car. I love long trips and I love the short jaunts. I like to be alone and I like when the car is full to capacity.

But what I love best is when I'm with one or both of my kids.

Driving, especially at night, offers a unique opportunity to discuss things that might otherwise make someone uncomfortable. Because there's no eye contact, the prickly subjects like sex and relationships can be brought up with little to no embarrassment. Anything and everything is a subject to be talked about.

The other night was such a time. We'd been in Squamish for the 50th Anniversary of the Loggers' Sports, and while we were there, we went to a family barbecue with lots of people from the extended family we don't always have a chance to see. Having just returned from our holiday visiting yet more family in Norway, we're pretty much up to date with who's doing what in the family... at least one side of it.

Returning home, my kids asked about marriages. They've started noticing that some are different from others, and they wondered why. We talked about the pros and cons of staying together for the kids, and what happens when those marriages eventually break apart... and why do the kids seem so surprised when they saw it coming from years ahead?

Of course we ended up discussing my own relationship with their Dad... they didn't exactly ask, but I knew where they were headed. I talked to them about the decision and gave them the basics of how we came to the final decision... and how it affects them, both in the short term as well as the long.

Making matters a bit stickier - or easier, depending - is the fact that their Dad is seeing someone. Not the first, but this one seems more serious than the others, and she has a son the same...

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Why do we have to wait for special moments to say nice things or tell people we care about them?
- Randy K. Milholland

When I was in Norway visiting family, I'd get asked everywhere we went how everyone was doing. The first few times, I gave the stock answer that people usually expect... "everyone's fine". After a bit, it occurred to me that it's different... people were asking not out of politeness but because they wanted an update, so I ran the various branches of the family through my head, making sure that they knew about Auntie Vi's death (yes) and Mum's broken elbow (no). I told them that Susie's MS was worse and that Paul was a Grampa now. I gave them happy news and sad news, and got updates on all of them as well, to tell everyone once I returned home.

Why do we rattle off a distracted "fine" when asked, and why do we not really listen when others answer? Do we really want to know? Are we really interested? If not, which seems the case, why do we even bother to ask in the first place?

Maybe it's because of my recent holiday and maybe I'm still in a relaxed and reflective mood, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the people and things that are most important to me. Too often we rush through our daily lives, thinking we'll take time "later" to do something special for ourselves or someone we care about. But when is this "later" we're all waiting for?

Things are happening, and changes are occurring. Some I'm ready for, others... not so much. My son's voice is changing and he's growing up right before my eyes. He's a good 2" taller than me... but he's still my little boy in so many ways. My daughter is so out-going and cheery, that I don't always "see" when she's upset and hurting over something, either real or imagined. I'm trying to pay more attention though, because I know how fleeting these moments are, and that it won't be much longer before both of them won't...

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Now that I'm home from holidays, I can get back on a schedule and start to settle into my new home. First stop was a local exotic plant wholesaler to find some interesting and different greenery to brighten up add a touch of interest to my rooms. There was so much to choose from, but several favourites were quickly eliminated when the helpful owner told me some of them prefer a humid environment with no drafts... quite the opposite to me.

The kitchen is the heart of my home, both literally and figuratively. There's no window over my sink, instead I have a ledge that overlooks the dining area and then through the French doors to the back patio. In an effort to bring the outside in, I've put a series of cacti/succulents in various pots along the ledge. There's my Thanksgiving cactus, already sprouting tons of new growth and my aloe vera which will soon need to be re-potted. New to my collection, there's a pipe organ - which looks like it should be in an aquarium under water and several other similar plants. Some are potted individually, others are grouped in terra cotta pots.

My en suite is huge, and has a large "shelf" beside the tub. I bought a pretty rubber tree that looks like a bonsai with lots of branches going every which way. A ponytail palm and a spider lily are grouped in the entryway, and the piece de resistance is a type of cactus similar to a Christmas cactus only bigger. The flowers are huge, and I chose a yellow one because it sounded pretty.

I'm looking forward to nurturing them and I can't wait till they flower.

It's starting to feel more like home, although I still find myself turning on the turn signal a block early when I'm coming back from Safeway. ...

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Until recently I've been "just a mom". I stayed home with my kids to raise them and I loved almost every minute of it. All the magic I'd forgotten from my own childhood came alive again watching my kids make discoveries of the world around them. We'd go for walks along the beach, stopping at the park for a swing and a play on the way home. Coffee with the other moms was usually at my house since I was the only one with a yard, and there were days where people would arrive after breakfast and others would still be there for an impromptu bar-b-q dinner. It was fun, and far more rewarding than any "career" I'd ever imagined I might want.

The only downside was the attitude other people have about the stay-at-home mom. I'd go to business dinners with my husband, and when asked what I "do", I'd smile watching the other person struggle trying to think what they could possibly say that I might be able to discuss with them. The irony, of course, is that I read 2 newspapers front to back every morning, so I probably knew more about what was going on in the world than they all did.

Most people assume that all a stay-at-home parent can talk about is their kids, but have any of them listened to their own coversations? The main topic of discussion at all those dinners was.... work. Did they really think ANY of the significant others were interested? Are their own lives as narrow as they assumed mine was?

I'm working now, and I love my job, but I miss being home for my kids. I miss driving on the field trips and I miss volunteering in the school library. My days and hours allow me to be home shortly after they get home, and quite often one or both of them will meet me at the office so we can go to Starbuck's together.

The following story is one I first read years ago - I even used the "job title" in my profile here for a while. I recently found...

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Last weekend we celebrated my parents' Golden Anniversary with an open house for family and friends. People came from the Island and the interior, the Kooteneys and Alberta to honour a long and happy marriage. The oldest was 90 year old Uncle Bob, the youngest was 7 week old cousin Aiden. The day couldn't have been better - the sun was shining and it was warm enough to sit outside and chat while watching the kids toss the football around with the even littler kids. Generations flowed from one to the other, making it impossible to see where one ended and the next began.

We had old photo albums, wedding albums and a copy of their Marriage Certificate. Some people mingled, other people parked themselves in a comfy chair and let people come to them... and come they did.

It was a wonderful celebration, but a little bittersweet for me, as the occasion also brought my soon-to-be ex home to clear out the rest of his stuff and discuss the particulars of our divorce. So while we celebrated a lasting love we also were closing the book on our own.

My life is beginning anew, but I mourn the passing of the old one.