i think more and more about myself and how i fit into anyones life now

i need not worry about that with Terry now but i must admit that any death brings that feeling of mortal vulnerability that hangs in the air like a decomposing smell that can't be ignored

I'm decomposing in many ways now...and waiting for the Universe to signal me again i can go on living

I've known forever and ever I'm only along for the ride....and if the bell rings and someone exits the car it's meant to be

i cling to that realization where Bobby's difficulties are concerned

may i be open to his emptiness

and stalwart during that time

my chain mail seem rusted from my tears far too often



a dearest friend is on a vision quest that is painful and his emotions counter the more intellectual certainties of future success they'll bring...i pray for him...that the Universe will send him understanding unrelated to how he feels

of course he's a poet..and how they feel is often all encompassing....i completely understand the difficult balancing mechanisms involved in that

ahh well he has many friends and supporters here and that's what he needs...he may even have some in his 3D world too

I hope so

one thing i do know now is that the Universe doesn't want me standing in the breach anymore

and that loving isn't a good enough reason to do so

Oh My Dog !!!!

would you believe it at my age

I'm growing up !!!!!!!

for so many years i was Crusader Rabbit

i put away my Crusader cloak and found i was still in some cases trying to be Rescue Rabbit

just a more peaceful "wolf in sheep's clothing"

tomorrow i will complete my last

"Rescue Chore"

now it's yours and only yours for good reasons

but to really be pure in thought about the outcome of my many interventions i must not attach myself to the outcome anymore

this last year has attached me to many around me

my sister whose schizophrenia has come and gone with no help or hindrance from me

I'm so well verse on the particulars of the disease

why did i do that ???

i pandered to myself in thinking i have a possibility of impact

"dig into the horse shit as if there must be a pony there"

my magical thinking has been a lesson never learn before

so newer and more important relevant information has been garnered

but the self imposed swim in Chaos has been tough and many times disappointing

as it should be

because the promptings of Universe come with a warning

THIS IS A LESSON TO BROADEN YOUR ABILITY TO SEE CLEARLY

NOT NECESSARILY A CONCLUSION MAKING RITUAL

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhha



looking outward must be balanced with looking inward

i tell myself that often

whenever i mentally start to create a future that may never be



the heart is a lonely hunter

it often scouts ahead and brings back magical information that may not hold water

of course i don't want my balloon burst



who would??

my

"Suspend Disbelief"

persona works both for me and against me

i think one of my most important lessons was when Terry told me he was lost in a stormy sea due to his health and that i couldn't always be a sea anchor of laughter and good feelings

i accepted his bell buoy warning

and decided to just try to weather the storm with him and deal with the wave tossed environment as best as i could

it was a harrying experience

fraught with extraordinary highs and...

[ Continued ]

ya know when the world seems to start closing down

just before the new path shows itself

shit that a scary time

where the hell's my teddy bear

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
that very silent time when you can hear a pin drop and you don't want to hear a pin drop and that phrase

"if you love him set him free"
begins to clutter your head with ghostly images and living dread

you don't find yourself spinning into the vortex of a whirlpool but if you were a caver now would be that time your headlamp died and your 150 foot rope ran out

i wrote a poem about it once called "Dangling"
then you start thinking I'm not such a birdbrain idiot that I'm gonna cut that branch off behind me

but there may be other woodmen about who sharpen their axes to do just that

one not thru his own fault has already harvested his part of the forest and gone to a better one over the hill and can't be seen anymore


emotional sensitivity seizes me today I'm alone and have no one to talk to

i better find something to do

like feed the 3D birds outside my computer window

flying rodents are coming now too

Squirrels..grey American ones..to eat the sunflower seeds

RG asked me about favorite poems today and i found that last year i posted this one on this same day


Darkness Falls

The first cold wind keening in the distance
drama seen through gray mists of regret
effort, labor, the fruits an illusion
bleeding tears over children never met

Body broken and core essence crushed
fearful and quaking as life, wasted, fails
spirit wounded a thousand deep, raw, cuts
chilled at my spine, memories like nails

Nothing given, alone and resentful
lovers lost a heart longing, tortured
shivering pain, failures, ending at last
look back despairing, the view, dim, fractured

Time held cheaply til night swiftly falls
show not my fears as darkness descends
once arrogance and power, hope gutted
only my love through the dark veil transcends

© by Easy Rog ...

[ Continued ]

early bird no way

the heat of the bedroom started my day

fans don't make it

i wake up when i can't take it

and stumble to the shower

oh lordy i could stay for hours

under a cool cool showers roar

and slip away to cooler climes

that dance and settle in my mind



crafty as that clever cat

that skis on paws

so balanced in the air like that

that only magic could it be

for this illusion to get ahold of me



sweet Terry Bear where can you be

your long long lashes that curl

your Fedora worn rakishly does whirl

without the merest backward glance

to see your truest bestest fine romance

hahahahahahahahahahaha



happy Autumn comes

with a swish and flourish

and a color spectrum meant to nourish



my mental roads unwinding

my eyes are bright and shining

i'm out of practice with my verse

and know this may feel sparse and terse

but forgive me gentle reader

as i turn up my mental heater

and long for tomorrow

where there's no sadness and no sorrow

patiently please wait and see

in Winter i may be set free

to write so clear i know

in the brilliant Winter snow



as my friend Rip would say..you're writing poetry with crayons now lady...hahahahahahahahaha