Hello Darkness! The Official Blog of Helen Keller

Folks, I'm obviously keeping a lazy timetable here with updates. I've made about as many entries here as Rhianna made phone-calls to her family after Chris Brown bit her cheek for dessert.

That said, I've got to say that the phone, your common "Hello? Who the fuck is it?" device, needn't be the mind-boggling, tits-blowing, face-raping device of mystery that it is. I'm not hinting retards shouldn't have phones, because they shouldn't, but I am saying that we don't need common mysteries.

SCENARIO 1

You call me. I'm taking a shit or saving lives in a daring shoot-out and I can't quite get to the phone before the last ring. I turtle over (hey, that word works in either shit or shoot-out, think about it) and grab it maybe 3 seconds after you've hung up and I immediately dial you back.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...................

There's no answer. What in the fuck is going on with that? Did you throw your phone away in hateful disgust because I didn't answer it? How on Earth do you go from having the phone in your hand pressed against your head to a mere three seconds later not being anywhere fucking near enough to answer it? Did you think you didn't get through to me because you had Satan's penis in your hand pressed up against your ear? That would be awesome! Kind of creepy, but awesome.

There is no discernable reason for this. If you make outgoing calls with your cellphone, keep it the fuck around you to answer them too.

SCENARIO 2

We've been talking for 3 minutes and we've exchanged all the pleasantries and information we're going to exchange during this call. You want off the phone. Say so. Don't pull the old "Well, I should be going now" fucking hokum because it rings hollow and is a pile of steamy bullshit. It doesn't fool anybody. If I can hear a raging inferno behind you, I know you'll probably say "Well, my house is a fiery deathtrap and I'd like to escape it so, you know, ciao..." You're trying to pass yourself off as a victim of an imaginary timetable that will apparently beat you for disobeying it. Much like David Letterman said to his stalker, "I'm not buying it."

We're all adults and we don't need pampering. I'm not the least bit shy in saying "Okay then, good bye." Why? I figure you're not an emotional pussy that will go to tears because I don't want to talk to you any longer. Phone calls aren't last moments with a cancery loved-one...they're phone calls.

SCENARIO 3

Why do people do this? It's the exact opposite of the last scenario. I'm done talking so I say, "Well" and I burp and I expect the call to end. But, apparently the idea of hanging up the phone triggers an avalanche of random thoughts, ideas and urgent messages that come tumbling out of the other person's mouth with little thought as to organization, relevance or importance.

Me: "Okay, I'm gonna go piss in the fridge, bye"

Them: "Hey, did I mention that my wife is having an operation on her crotch?"

Me: "Nope. Sounds nasty. Alright, take care."

Them: "Yeah, there's some purple thing on her inner-lip that she's getting removed. Did you know that Heather is gay?"

Me: "Nope, but not surprised. Gotta go, bladder's gonna burst."

Them: "Weird huh? I guess that's why she turned me down! Ha ha ha. So, my kid's been diagnosed with autism."

Me: "Bummer. Piss time."

Them: "We're trying to get him in a special school. Did you know I got arrested for punching a horse?"

And so on and so on and so on and so on....

Jesus Murphy Disable BBCode Christ. Take a hint!

Well, that's it for now. Bye.