newfetteland

so I just dont get it.

I'm about as straight forward upfront kinda person as you're gonna get. I dont see the point in playing games or hiding how i feel about something... but sadly more often then not that means I'm the one that gets hurt.

why would you pretend you wanted something when you dont, or if you DO want something why pretend that it doesn't exist? what gratification do you get from acting this way? does it make you feel better about yourself to know that someone out there wants you and you get to fuck with that person? does that make you feel good about yourself? i dont get it... why not just be honest. theres no doubt of whats going on on my end.. either you want the same thing or you dont. it really isn't that fucking hard. and i'm ok with the dont part... just tell me. but then don't sulk because you can't find exactally what you are looking for when you just pushed it away...

i mean is it such a bad thing to just want someone to want me? and not the fake me that people pretend to know... the real me. the one that would walk to the ends of the earth for the one she loves. the one that will always be there and will always be the one that tries everything to keep a smile on your face... the one with the heart thats been trampled a million times but keeps putting it out there because it believe that not all people can abuse it...


little did i know how wrong i could be....


so where does this leave me... little ol me who just can't stop getting trampled no matter what i do. one tiny person in this big ol world that has no one...

and i know the people who care will read this and tell me that they care and I know that its genuine and i do appreciate it but its not the same.

I so despratly want that person to come home to. that person to curl up and watch a movie or a rain storm with... someone who i can just be with. and i just have to keep telling myself that theres no way that i was such a horrible person in a past life that i dont deserve it in this life. that just can't be.

but then i'm back at square one. I dont get it. why dont i deserve it and if i do deserve it why can't i have it. I'm a good person. I work hard.. I treat my friends and family like gold. but still nothing

maybe this is it for some people. I'm in the prime of my life, the time where I'm supposed to be enjoy life and have all these adventures and new experiences and all i feel is that i'm completly alone and that really sucks.

Ok

Holy freaking wow… what a weekend.


I had a great drive out. The roads were wet but the rain had stopped for the most part making it a good drive… apparently I like to speed though… I stopped twice and because of that there are some people that I was able to pass three times… *snickers*. So I picked up Emily (the girl I was staying with) from work and we headed to the mall to do a little shopping before we got down to some serious partying.

I only picked up a few things, some earring and a necklace…. And oh yes… the booze

We get home and the girls came over and we started on the drinks. And lets just say they got hit pretty hard. There was some dancing… there was some shots straight from the bottle and there was some ass slapping… hahaha

From there we headed downtown! Had the best cab driver EVER I don’t really remember why he was so cool... but I know he was. And he told me that when I posted his pic on facebook that I needed to post it as Dick the most kick ass cab driver ever.

So we get downtown and the first place they take me to is a karaoke bar. Thankfully I was too drunk to actually make it on stage… I was however serenaded… and what girl doesn’t love that.

So we left the karaoke bar and went to a different bar where we had so much fun dancing… apparently I started to fall over and some guy caught me. I THINK I told him it was my birthday and that’s why I was falling over and then the next thing I know he’s there with shots… so we hung out there for a while and we go to the next bar where apparently someone peed in a sink…. Yeah I didn’t see it but I remember being told not to wash my hands in one of the sinks… lol man people do some effed up things when the are drinking.

So I think in total we made it to 10 or 12 bars… I know I had at least one drink in each (this is in addition to the flask of spiced rum I drank before we left) and I was doing shots with random people all night… and I had a blast and loved every minute of it.

Saturday… I felt like death. It is the first time I’ve ever woken up still drunk. I was able to keep down everything that I ate but man or man oh man was I sick. So needless to say it was a pretty quiet day. What I’m trying to figure out is why every muscle in my body hurts… I don’t know of what I would have done that would make me feel like this and there are no photos to show what happened…. Maybe that’s a good thing but I’d still really really like to know!

Sunday we went to Cora’s for breakfast and I headed on home after one fantastic Newfapalooza… this will be one birthday that I will never forget!

well happy march!

man this year is flying by and with all the upcoming plans I am completely ok with that!

so when I left you last my boss/friend had dropped a bombshell on me saying that she was planning on moving away from the company and that she wanted me to move with her. well I decided that I'm gonna move to Ottawa with her!

I mean i was moving to st johns anyways.. I'm still moving.. just a couple of provinces in the other direction. I can't even begin to tell you how super freaking stoked i am. I've always wanted to spend Canada Day on parliament hill and I'm FINALLY gonna get to do that this year!

we have all kinds of road trips planned AND i'm FINALLY gonna get to see my first NHL game.. i cannot wait.

OH have i mentioned that I'm freaking stoked to move???

what else was going on in newfetteland last month..

still no work from my dad which is not surprising to me. what's going to be interesting to see is if he decides he wants to talk to me now that i'm moving away, i've told my grandparents (his parents) that I'm moving out of the province and my aunt(his sister) is gonna find out on monday so I'm sure he'll hear it from one of em... and the way i'm going to approach this is if he doesn't talk to me before i move then i'll know where he stands and i can move on. and while i know that may be harsh for some people to hear that its what needs to happen... the ball is in his court and has been there for going on 8 months.

work sucks right now. i have no staff and I'm sick as a dog. well i do have staff but they need to be trained. i cannot wait till they get trained so i can run away for a weekend and not have to worry about whats going on around here.

still single.. and still ok with that... buzz boy from new years really turned out to be a douche. he left me a message in my honestly box on facebook (yes i know to take this with a grain of salt) and it makes me chuckle that someone who claims to be so sure of himself and knows exactly what he wanted.. couldn't see it when it was right in front of him... his loss... cause he'll never find anyone as fabulous as me!

but on that note i should go finish the 3 hours i have left of work today.. and the hockey game is about to start.. i need to get settled in for that.. lol rough job some days i tell ya..

and remember... you can pick your friends.. and you can pick your nose... but you can't pick your friends nose.

i mean holy fuck...

ok

so my boss and i were talking this morning like we normally do.. having a random conversation.. i was telling her how i hated that i couln't reach my printer from my desk and i told her i wanted go go gadget arms... she retorted with i want a million dollars.. so then i jokingly said if you had a million dollars would you buy me go go gadget arms.. lol she told me no but she would move us somewhere far away from all the shit we deal with from the owner.. and somewhere warmer..


ok enough of the i said she said..

fast forward a few hours, we talk all the time about moving away together. lol no not in the lesbian kinda way, in a way where shes my best friend adn she wants me to move with her.. but anyways.. i jokingly said to her that if she was ever to leave the company that i would require 6 months notice so that i could get my ducks in a row becuase i will not work at this company without her as a buffer cause the owner is a freaking high maitenance nut job..

he is the reason i was so wary about working for this company in st johns cause hes insane and has no filter when he freaks at you and frankly for 9 bucks an hour its not worth it.

so i get a message on my blackberry this afternoon asking if i want to know a secret. and of course i say yes. and she was like "i'm giving you the 6 months notice that you asked for"

WTF

turns out she's given herself 6 months to work out the details and get out. so we chatted about the reasons and that she wants me to move with her.

so NOW after all teh stress i had two weeks ago about wither or not i was going to stay with company when i moved or make the jump to corporate, that option just flew out the window.

i'm not faced with the decision of do i want to move to southern ontairo with my friend, or so i still move to st johns and work for corporate.

theres just so much to think about.. holy fuck

so it's February First.

the start of a new month and i was thinking about the month that passed. what a roller coaster or a month. to the point that sometimes i wonder how I'm still sane (if i was ever sane) but how i was able to keep it all together.

so I rang in the new year like no other before, with a night that i will never forget. and then crashed pretty hard when i realized that most guys are assholes and even though i let down my walls and let one in, he didn't deserve it and in turn caused my to build a stronger wall. i'd like to think the next guy will have a tougher time getting to me but I know that's not true. cause deep down i'm a hopeless romantic and I will always jump first think later. I want the fairy tale and the romantic comedy life and to do that i can't be the jaded girl i'm fighting so hard not to become.

so then everything was going great. I was happy, I was making great progress at the gym, working was going good... and then the 19th came along and hit me like a ton of bricks.

what was the 19th you ask?? it was officially 6 months since i last spoke to my dad. I've never really talked a lot about it with anyone on here (a few people know the details but not many) and while i know it's hard for some people to understand what's going on and why i dont just go to him its not that simple but that's another rant for another day. but i still can't believe its been 6 months and nothing. all i got was a christmas card under my door in that time. and it breaks my heart to know that my dad knows nothing about me any more (unless my grandma has filled him in). he doesn't know that i've quit smoking or that I'm addicted to the gym (both things i know he's be proud about) but the big thing is he doesn't know i'm moving this year. but on the flip side.. i didn't know he was injured at work to the point that he can't work or that he's dating a new woman.... apparently these are things that an estranged daughter doesn't need to know.

the week after that my best friend(and my boss) went on vacation and i missed her terribly and my week was horrible. it didn't feel right to know that i was coming to work every morning and she wasn't going to be there for our 10:30 coffee phone call.. and on top of that i was having a staffing crisis and a mid life job crisis... but i got through it all and she bought me a present when she was away(i have a scarf fetish and she saw one that reminded her of me.. i dont have it yet but I'm super excited to get it)

so she came home, and we had a good chat about what i was going to do work wise when it come to debating staying or switching to corporate and she brought a lot of things to the situation that i never would have considered so i feel a lot better about that whole situation.

and then February hits and the shit hits the fan again with my staff... all i can say is his last week is gonna be a fucking week from hell.

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so i dont even know where to start.. oh wait yes i do. deep breaths.. peach air in green air out...


so I'm faced with a fork in the road. on top of all the staffing issues at work (see the fuck thread) I'm torn with a issue myself at work.

whats this issue you ask??

so I stay with the company i work for or do i try to make the move to corporate when i move to st john's....

and while i know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people... its a huge deal to me. I have a tremendous amout of loyalty to my store and to the owner but on the flip side it seems like if i switch sides then there's more oppertunity for me, as well as more benifits,

but if i leave not only do i feel like i'm abandoning my current store but i'm screwing over the store in st johns where i said i would take over. but on the flip side of that if i decide with enough notice then it would give that store lost of time to hire someone and train them before the current manager leaves...

i just dont know what to do. my mom doesn't understand my loyalty to my job but then again she hates hers and is semi retiring in september.

and i do.. i love my job and i'm goos at my job and i just think that if i can do the same job and make more money somewhere else then i should be able to go... without having the concious kick me in the butt

why must i feel guilty about everything..

hell i dont even know why i'm stressing out yet.. it's not like I've been offered a job with corporate.. its just an idea that popped into my head and i'm this stressed already... what am i gonna do if i actually make the change...

so have you ever had one of those days where everything is just kinda numb...

nothing is wrong but theres nothing to be excited about either?

where you feel like you should be doing something or worrying about something cause theres stuff to do and to worry about but theres just nothing inside??

hmm.. I'm not so sure..

so I started thinking yesterday and I'm starting to realize that maybe thinking is the problem. I've always been ove to over think things, and then convince myself that the worse possiblity is the actual reality.

this has been especially true in the first two weeks of this new year. funny how quickly a year that was rung in like no other can so quickly turn,

you see there's this boy.. yes i know there's always a boy. and this boy did the typical boy thing. something great happened that I don't regret and then a few days later he just dissepears. poof as if into thin air. and i'm SO confused.

so i start to think... what did I do that caused this to happen. I never said i wanted anything from him and i even emailed him after a week of not hearing anything from him and said that everything was ok and if he was wigging to tell me and if this was the end of a very short friendship to just say so and that would be it. its this not knowing stuff that can't stand and dont think i deserve. and apparently he doesn't have the balls to write anything back to me.

and I keep reminding myself that this is his issue, that i didn't do anything wrong and that its not my fault that he's a typical asshole but it doesn't help. because in the back of my mind all i think is that while I know i didn't want a relationshio or anything like that from him, i do want it from someone. and its because of boys like him that I have a wall around me that so hard to get through.

I did nothing to deserve this kinda treatment from any guy but I hate that the wrong ones are the only ones that get in.

do i have some kinda beacon on my forehead that i cant see... cause if i do PLEASE let me know and I'll start wearing a hat. I have to stop letting people like this hurt me. its not fair. I'm a good person. I work, i go to the gym, I go to church, i voluenteer, I don't smoke or do drugs, I love sports and I treat my friends and family (those who deserve it) like gold. I mean who wouldn't want to be with me?

and its this thought that i beat myself up over time and time again. I've gotten quite good at it.

and while more then a few of my friends are ok with the being alone and just having a casual friend for companship, thats not me. never has been and never will be. I long for that security of knowing that there's one person who only wants to be with me.

and the more time goes by the less i think he's out there..

maybe i should just stop thinking and accecpt it.


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word up hommies.. lol

so i figured I might as well bite the dust and start a blog. one of my new years resoultions is that i want to start writing more and I don't really have anywhere to post it. facebook doesn't seem appropriate if i've written something about my family to post it somewhere where it could be taken the wrong way.


so here I am.

with a place to ramble and get out everything that's circling in my head somewhere I feel safe. I guess we'll see what happens.




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