newfetteland

so it's February First.

the start of a new month and i was thinking about the month that passed. what a roller coaster or a month. to the point that sometimes i wonder how I'm still sane (if i was ever sane) but how i was able to keep it all together.

so I rang in the new year like no other before, with a night that i will never forget. and then crashed pretty hard when i realized that most guys are assholes and even though i let down my walls and let one in, he didn't deserve it and in turn caused my to build a stronger wall. i'd like to think the next guy will have a tougher time getting to me but I know that's not true. cause deep down i'm a hopeless romantic and I will always jump first think later. I want the fairy tale and the romantic comedy life and to do that i can't be the jaded girl i'm fighting so hard not to become.

so then everything was going great. I was happy, I was making great progress at the gym, working was going good... and then the 19th came along and hit me like a ton of bricks.

what was the 19th you ask?? it was officially 6 months since i last spoke to my dad. I've never really talked a lot about it with anyone on here (a few people know the details but not many) and while i know it's hard for some people to understand what's going on and why i dont just go to him its not that simple but that's another rant for another day. but i still can't believe its been 6 months and nothing. all i got was a christmas card under my door in that time. and it breaks my heart to know that my dad knows nothing about me any more (unless my grandma has filled him in). he doesn't know that i've quit smoking or that I'm addicted to the gym (both things i know he's be proud about) but the big thing is he doesn't know i'm moving this year. but on the flip side.. i didn't know he was injured at work to the point that he can't work or that he's dating a new woman.... apparently these are things that an estranged daughter doesn't need to know.
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so i dont even know where to start.. oh wait yes i do. deep breaths.. peach air in green air out...


so I'm faced with a fork in the road. on top of all the staffing issues at work (see the fuck thread) I'm torn with a issue myself at work.

whats this issue you ask??

so I stay with the company i work for or do i try to make the move to corporate when i move to st john's....

and while i know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people... its a huge deal to me. I have a tremendous amout of loyalty to my store and to the owner but on the flip side it seems like if i switch sides then there's more oppertunity for me, as well as more benifits,

but if i leave not only do i feel like i'm abandoning my current store but i'm screwing over the store in st johns where i said i would take over. but on the flip side of that if i decide with enough notice then it would give that store lost of time to hire someone and train them before the current manager leaves...

i just dont know what to do. my mom doesn't understand my loyalty to my job but then again she hates hers and is semi retiring in september.

and i do.. i love my job and i'm goos at my job and i just think that if i can do the same job and make more money somewhere else then i should be able to go... without having the concious kick me in the butt

why must i feel guilty about everything..

hell i dont even know why i'm stressing out yet.. it's not like I've been offered a job with corporate.. its just an idea that popped into my head and i'm this stressed already... what am i gonna do if i actually make the change...

so have you ever had one of those days where everything is just kinda numb...

nothing is wrong but theres nothing to be excited about either?

where you feel like you should be doing something or worrying about something cause theres stuff to do and to worry about but theres just nothing inside??

hmm.. I'm not so sure..

so I started thinking yesterday and I'm starting to realize that maybe thinking is the problem. I've always been ove to over think things, and then convince myself that the worse possiblity is the actual reality.

this has been especially true in the first two weeks of this new year. funny how quickly a year that was rung in like no other can so quickly turn,

you see there's this boy.. yes i know there's always a boy. and this boy did the typical boy thing. something great happened that I don't regret and then a few days later he just dissepears. poof as if into thin air. and i'm SO confused.

so i start to think... what did I do that caused this to happen. I never said i wanted anything from him and i even emailed him after a week of not hearing anything from him and said that everything was ok and if he was wigging to tell me and if this was the end of a very short friendship to just say so and that would be it. its this not knowing stuff that can't stand and dont think i deserve. and apparently he doesn't have the balls to write anything back to me.

and I keep reminding myself that this is his issue, that i didn't do anything wrong and that its not my fault that he's a typical asshole but it doesn't help. because in the back of my mind all i think is that while I know i didn't want a relationshio or anything like that from him, i do want it from someone. and its because of boys like him that I have a wall around me that so hard to get through.

I did nothing to deserve this kinda treatment from any guy but I hate that the wrong ones are the only ones that get in.

do i have some kinda beacon on my forehead that i cant see... cause if i do PLEASE let me know and I'll start wearing a hat. I have to stop letting people like this hurt me. its not fair. I'm a good person. I work, i go to the gym, I go to church, i voluenteer, I don't smoke or do drugs, I love sports and I treat my friends and family (those who deserve it) like gold. I mean who wouldn't...

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word up hommies.. lol

so i figured I might as well bite the dust and start a blog. one of my new years resoultions is that i want to start writing more and I don't really have anywhere to post it. facebook doesn't seem appropriate if i've written something about my family to post it somewhere where it could be taken the wrong way.


so here I am.

with a place to ramble and get out everything that's circling in my head somewhere I feel safe. I guess we'll see what happens.




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