newfetteland

so I started thinking yesterday and I'm starting to realize that maybe thinking is the problem. I've always been ove to over think things, and then convince myself that the worse possiblity is the actual reality.

this has been especially true in the first two weeks of this new year. funny how quickly a year that was rung in like no other can so quickly turn,

you see there's this boy.. yes i know there's always a boy. and this boy did the typical boy thing. something great happened that I don't regret and then a few days later he just dissepears. poof as if into thin air. and i'm SO confused.

so i start to think... what did I do that caused this to happen. I never said i wanted anything from him and i even emailed him after a week of not hearing anything from him and said that everything was ok and if he was wigging to tell me and if this was the end of a very short friendship to just say so and that would be it. its this not knowing stuff that can't stand and dont think i deserve. and apparently he doesn't have the balls to write anything back to me.

and I keep reminding myself that this is his issue, that i didn't do anything wrong and that its not my fault that he's a typical asshole but it doesn't help. because in the back of my mind all i think is that while I know i didn't want a relationshio or anything like that from him, i do want it from someone. and its because of boys like him that I have a wall around me that so hard to get through.

I did nothing to deserve this kinda treatment from any guy but I hate that the wrong ones are the only ones that get in.

do i have some kinda beacon on my forehead that i cant see... cause if i do PLEASE let me know and I'll start wearing a hat. I have to stop letting people like this hurt me. its not fair. I'm a good person. I work, i go to the gym, I go to church, i voluenteer, I don't smoke or do drugs, I love sports and I treat my friends and family (those who deserve it) like gold. I mean who wouldn't want to be with me?

and its this thought that i beat myself up over time and time again. I've gotten quite good at it.

and while more then a few of my friends are ok with the being alone and just having a casual friend for companship, thats not me. never has been and never will be. I long for that security of knowing that there's one person who only wants to be with me.

and the more time goes by the less i think he's out there..

maybe i should just stop thinking and accecpt it.


g