Wolf Within

I've been pretty sick, not that many care, I just need to vent. (those who do read here, please don't take that personal-k) I can't keep anything down, it just comes back up, I can't sleep and I can't believe the lack of friendship(s), loyalty and compassion in folks around. And I'm not a fucking whiner, but one very HURT cookie! You know when you hurt so bad, you can't breath, well that's where I'm at right now. Talk about a "dog eat dog" world that I live in.
I can't believe that at my age and after the many things in life that I have succeeded, that I have ended up so unsuccessful - what hurtful times.
When CTV came out in Aug05, an organization in Calgary got ahold of me, well one of their workers did and I contacted them back. At that time, this organization was pretty meek, but after reading my blog on bravenet (that i referred them to so they could understand what was going on) they never did help me, but they sure helped themselves.
I can't believe how many of my ideas and contacts that they used!
Talk about kicking somebody when they are down and out!

I've written a letter to the local MLA - but I won't hold my breath - I have a hunch this is going to get a lot uglier before it gets any better. I hope for the best, but, gee why do I feel like a fool for hoping?
I've been getting my paperwork in order so that if I have to call CTV back, I can back up everything I say with documents, paperwork, receipts, statements and tons of pictures!
I don't remember the last time something good happened.
I thought getting this house was good, but then winter hit and the 500 gallon propane tank that was promised - never came.
Then getting wood was a big chore and wood is heavy to carry for any woman, let alone one who is hitting 52 - on top of hauling 30 gallons of water everyday.
My arthritis got much worse with the cold and now it's supposedly my fault that the homeowners parents in their 70's are upset... i needed friends, not more enemies... yep, really hurt...
If people know you are vulnerable, man oh man, they just keep kicking you in the face... I can't believe any of this is really happening! .
My pic in my profile is only 2 yrs old, but I have been so stressed and sick that it has taken it's toll.

Why is it other organizations make their Volunteers pay $100 to be a part of their society and I can't get one Volunteer for FREE!
Why is it I lost my homes?
How did I center myself around a crew of deceiving, back stabbing, hateful people?
How did I do that to my family and I?
How could I have been so stupid to pay for and put on free Craft classes for the local kids and not one parent offered craft supplies or a few bucks - hell, they couldn't even bring themselves to say I was doing something good... let alone give me any credit for what I was doing or consider that just maybe, I wasn't a bad person afterall - for a newcomer - outsider!!!
Nah, use and abuse and eat you up and spit you out is all I got!
I tell myself that the reason the lord brought me to this place is because the animals needed help and so do some folks around here (including me now that they'v emanaged to bring my life down to their level)
Every time I Ask for strength, I get kicked in the face and rejected.
Every time I start up something good, the envy kicks in and they do anything to make sure nothing good happens. Hack, lie, steal, vandalize FUCK am I ever HURT!
Worse yet, where do I turn for some backing? WHERE??!!
I don't even have my dad to turn to anymore. I went home to visit him on MArch 26th 2004 and while my plane was landing in Toronto, my dad died in the Kingston Memorial. I never did get to see him again and he lived with my sister, who he named executor and she took everything - wouldn't even let me see his will.
I went to his memorial and came home to tend to the animals. (i have 2 sisters, one I knew and one I've never met but have communicated with off and on for some time, I lived with my dad and my other sis lived with my real mom)
I don't have the riches to permit myself to fly back and forth to Ontario, to pay for a lawyer - so she kept everything but as far as I know she has no friends either - she can keep it all, but my daughter, grandson and I don't ever want to hear her name. She may not live in a hateful place, but she is definately alone.
She placed a memorial in the paper and announced that she and her 4 children were his ONLY survivors - no mention of his Great Grandson or my daughter (3 of her children weren't living with her, they lived with her ex husband (i can certainly understand why) and the one that was with her, was from her new husband - a prison guard in Ottawa - I hadn't seen her in 13 yrs and all she could talk about was that she was booting him too, he was too weak for her - good grief - lucky me)
Well last round for the crew for today and I'm going to try and hold something down and get to bed before it comes back up.
I truly don't understand why any of this is happening.
I never hurt or did anything to any of these people. I just tried to be part of a community and went above and beyond in my actions to prove that.
Then they wonder why I have nothing good to say about this place and I KNOW there are some good people, they are too afraid to help me because of what will happen to them and they too have to live here, work here and they don't want their families mad at them.
All I can do is keep trying and hope that one who is in a position to help me, thinks I'm worthy - i think i am.....