Involuntary Muscle Contractions A professor at the University of Georgia was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
Regina
Site Admin
Posts: 26822
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:33 am
Precise Mathematics: This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Brenda
CKA Uber
Posts: 44534
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:57 am
andyt
CKA Uber
Posts: 14678
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:05 am
That really is good.
raydan
CKA Uber
Posts: 15609
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:21 am
That joke must be as old as Regina.
Regina
Site Admin
Posts: 26822
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:22 am
raydan wrote:
That joke must be as old as Regina.
Brenda
CKA Uber
Posts: 44534
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:39 am
Regina wrote:
raydan wrote:
That joke must be as old as Regina.
That looks like HARDWORK, R. You better kiss his ass
raydan
CKA Uber
Posts: 15609
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:41 am
"R"... that could be Regina or Raydan?
Regina
Site Admin
Posts: 26822
Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:09 am
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER. The last one is the best.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ---------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Regina
Site Admin
Posts: 26822
Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:13 am
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ShepherdsDog
CKA Uber
Posts: 26859
Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:27 am
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories are, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff- ' and before he could say 'fuck' ... the Rottweiler ate him!"
raydan
CKA Uber
Posts: 15609
Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 4:25 pm
An old lady goes to the dentist, drops her pants and panties, sits on the chair, lifts and spreads her legs.
The dentist looks at her and says, "I'm not a gynecologist".
The old lady answers, "I know, but my husband wants his teeth back".
Regina
Site Admin
Posts: 26822
Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 6:20 am
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how
on earth did you know that?'
Wait for it…………..
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
PublicAnimalNo9
CKA Super Elite
Posts: 9276
Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 6:24 am
Rae is expected to resign from interim post in June so he can run for full Liberal leadership.
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