[Yogi]

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened
last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said,
'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan,
rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and
my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash
Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and
throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me
again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my
share to any charity you choose.' "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...
'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together
on Trudeau's election campaign .

[Regina]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[BartSimpson]

I'd have given the kid his Doctorate!

[bootlegga]

Regina Regina:

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

A+ for creativity if you ask me!

[DrCaleb]

And whoever wrote the test gets an F in English.

[Goober911]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

[Public_Domain]

[Jabberwalker]

Think that's funny, do you?

[BartSimpson]

Jabberwalker Jabberwalker:

Think that's funny, do you?

[Public_Domain]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?" The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast." "What about the green one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes." "What about the red one?" the man asks. The assistant says, "That one's $10,000." The man says, "What does HE do?" The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."

[Goober911]

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale ." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told CIA about my gift, and in no tim e at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the Newfie says.

Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

" Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff"

[PostFactum]

This is real office life, you have to become accustomed.

[PostFactum]

Ivan, wtf? why your pig walks with crutches ?
-Sorry, I can't kill one pig every time I want a chop.

[Jabberwalker]

Goober911 Goober911:

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale ." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told CIA about my gift, and in no tim e at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the Newfie says.

Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

" Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff"

...pure Atlantic Canada humour ...

[DrCaleb]

$1:

New driving law bans motorists from eating breakfast sandwiches in Nova Scotia
According to Stats Canada, breakfast sandwiches injure more Nova Scotians each than any other handheld food.


After a spike in fender benders during morning rush hour, Nova Scotia is passing legislation that will ban drivers from eating breakfast sandwiches while operating a motor vehicle. The sandwiches have become a popular breakfast alternative because of their relative low cost and availability. Almost every restaurant open in the morning serves a delicious breakfast sandwich. But are they too delicious?

"You may as well be chewing on a gun," says Officer Bruce O'Reiley of the Halifax Regional Police, "All that melted cheese and sausage or bacon? It's game over for concentration."

O'Reiley heads Brake for Breakfast, a program that educates people on the dangers of driving while eating a breakfast sandwich. "People think that because you can't send a text on a southwestern omelette wrapped in a tortilla that it's somehow safe to eat while driving a Subaru wagon." O'Reiley continues, "I have some pretty gruesome case files that beg to differ."

Part of the problem is that you need at least one hand with which to eat - which takes one hand from the wheel. But the big danger may be how delicious a breakfast sandwich is. As O'Reiley puts it, "As soon as you're done swallowing one warm mouthful of salty meat, egg and cheese, you immediately want another. Your mouth waters as you plunge the flavourful disc into your mouth and then ... BANG, you've T-boned a hearse and there's a body on the freeway. That actually happened."

For everyone in the workforce who is short on time in the morning, O'Reiley has this advice: "If you have to eat in the car, fine, just make it something that won't distract you like dry toast or one of those awful green smoothies."

Nova Scotia is currently mulling over a comprehensive list of items that should be banned from touching drivers' hands. The list including make-up, electric razors, dogs, cigarettes, radio dials and even the hand of the person in the passenger seat.

http://www.cbc.ca/thisisthat/main/2014/ ... va-scotia/

That was the joke. The fallout is funny too:

$1:

Satirical breakfast sandwich ban fools police, public
This is That radio program quotes fake police officer, 'You may as well be chewing on a gun'
What started out as a joke, went viral online as Canadians and even police were sucked in by a satirical story from CBC Radio's This is That.

As the "story" gained more and more traction online, CBC Nova Scotia's newsroom received a call from Halifax Regional Police. Police were concerned about the so-called story that quoted, what turned out to be, a fictional police officer named Bruce O'Reiley.

In the story, O'Reiley likened eating breakfast sandwiches and driving to "chewing on a gun," saying ,"Your mouth waters as you plunge the flavourful disc into your mouth and then ... BANG, you've T-boned a hearse and there's a body on the freeway."

In fact, the story was just that — a fictional tale about a fake law banning driver's from eating breakfast sandwiches while driving due to an increase in crashes.

Once HRP realized it was a joke, they had a little bit of fun of their own.

"True or false? Police in N.S. are holding a grudge against breakfast sandwiches," they tweeted.

"False. We're more concerned about donuts."

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scot ... -1.2644174