[Regina]

[PluggyRug]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Hyack]

[ShepherdsDog]

Cut and paste from a friend's page

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CATHOLIC TO APPRECIATE THIS ONE!!
A MAN SUFFERED A SERIOUS HEART ATTACK WHILE SHOPPING IN A STORE. THE STORE CLERKS CALLED 911 WHEN THEY SAW HIM COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR.
THE PARAMEDICS RUSHED THE MAN TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. WHERE HE HAD EMERGENCY OPEN HEART BYPASS SURGERY.
HE AWAKENED FROM THE SURGERY TO FIND HIMSELF IN THE CARE OF NUNS AT THE CATHOLIC HOSPITAL.
A NUN WAS SEATED NEXT TO HIS BED HOLDING A CLIPBOARD LOADED WITH SEVERAL FORMS, AND A PEN. SHE ASKED HIM HOW HE WAS GOING TO PAY FOR HIS TREATMENT.
"DO YOU HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?" SHE ASKED.
HE REPLIED IN A RASPY VOICE, "NO HEALTH INSURANCE."
THE NUN ASKED, "DO YOU HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK?"
HE REPLIED, "NO MONEY IN THE BANK."
DO YOU HAVE A RELATIVE WHO COULD HELP YOU WITH THE PAYMENTS?" ASKED THE IRRITATED NUN.
HE SAID, "I ONLY HAVE A SPINSTER SISTER, AND SHE IS A NUN." THE NUN BECAME AGITATED AND ANNOUNCED LOUDLY, "NUNS ARE NOT SPINSTERS!
NUNS ARE MARRIED TO GOD." THE PATIENT REPLIED,
"PERFECT. SEND THE BILL TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAW"

[Jabberwalker]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

[PluggyRug]

Al Sharpton was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?
Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

[PluggyRug]

Where golfer's eat.

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would
meet at Hooters, because it wasn't far from the course,
the waitresses were young and good looking, showed lots of
cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later,
at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters, because the food and service was good,
they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the
beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,
at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters, because there was plenty of parking, they could dine
in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later,
at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters,
because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a
toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later,
at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters,
because they had never been there before.

[PluggyRug]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[PluggyRug]

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says,
“Did Santa get you that?"
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says,
"Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The policeman chuckles and replies,
“He sure did!"
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse and not on it."
__________________

[andyt]

PluggyRug PluggyRug:

Al Sharpton was in Sears.
He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?
Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

[BartSimpson]

[PluggyRug]

With the New Years Eve celebrations last night, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

I don't want to lecture, but I am sure you all know the risk of brushes with the authorities on the way home after a "social session" out with friends... especially when it is a special occasion like a Birthday Party, Wedding, or New Year's Eve.

Well, last night on New Years Eve, I enjoyed several cocktails followed by a few glasses of "the Bubbly". Feeling a bit jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!

[BartSimpson]

[Strutz]

Some good jokes above Pluggy!

[stratos]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."