[Jabberwalker]

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . in and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .

Between her breasts . . . .

And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . .
With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . .

Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first,

Then began to groan louder . . . .

Finally . . . . Totally exhausted . . . .

She let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted . . . . :


.......

..........................

......................................

.....................................................




"OK, OK, you smug bastard,

I can't parallel park . . . .

You do it . . . . !!"

[stratos]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!

[Strutz]

Good one stratos!

[PublicAnimalNo9]

Why do women rub their eyes when they first wake up in the morning?


Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[BartSimpson]

PublicAnimalNo9 PublicAnimalNo9:

Why do women rub their eyes when they first wake up in the morning?

Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Unless they're married.

[martin14]

BartSimpson BartSimpson:

PublicAnimalNo9 PublicAnimalNo9:

Why do women rub their eyes when they first wake up in the morning?

Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Unless they're married.

And then they ... don't.

[Jabberwalker]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the OWNER of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the OWNER. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the OWNER shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the OWNER picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the OWNER is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

[PluggyRug]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[PluggyRug]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
__________________

[PluggyRug]

Guy sits down at a bar and orders a scotch.

He looks down the bar, and set atop the bar at the other end, is a very small piano, with a tiny little man playing it. Having had a rough day, he ignores it and finishes his drink.

After another drink, curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over and asks the man on the barstool near the small piano player what the story is. The man points to an urn behind the bar and explains how if your rub it a genie will appear and grant a single wish...

Immediately dismissive, the man orders another scotch. A few drinks later, he starts really thinking about this and asks if he can give it a try.

Rubs the urn and sure as crap a genie pops out offering to grant one wish. The man debates a moment, whispers to the genie and moments later the bar is completely filled with ducks.

This is BS he exclaims, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.... To which the other man responds - "Do you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist??"

[stratos]

The Pope is visiting New York. A limo driver meets him at the airport. After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver. But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five on a city street.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.

The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," the cop says. The Chief then asks, "Who ya got there - the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," says the Chief, "who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[BartSimpson]

[raydan]

I think I've heard or read just about every single joke out there... Jabberwalker's dwarf joke being the exception.

[Jabberwalker]

raydan raydan:

I think I've heard or read just about every single joke out there... Jabberwalker's dwarf joke being the exception.

I aim to pleeth!

[Jabberwalker]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.