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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 1:35 pm
 


The Bronze Rat


A tourist walks into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.


He took it to the owner:


"How much for the bronze rat?"


"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.


The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."


As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.


He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS -- and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.


The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"


"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal."


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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 3:36 pm
 


My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can
eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He
visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any
medical needs arise.

For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice
neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not
required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious
places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
Holy ####!!! My dog is a LIBERAL!!!


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PostPosted: Mon May 08, 2017 3:38 pm
 


" A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 3:05 pm
 


One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well then, you just remember the Alamo ." He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump..you little Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You’re holding up traffic.


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PostPosted: Fri May 19, 2017 6:25 pm
 


I have to admit, I love the way Texicans think about most things...... [B-o]


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:13 am
 


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 2:49 am
 


HILLARY CLINTON GOES TO A GIFTED-STUDENT PRIMARY SCHOOL IN NEW YORK TO TALK ABOUT THE WORLD.
AFTER HER TALK SHE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.
ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND. HILLARY ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"KENNETH," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, KENNETH ?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE THREE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"AND, THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?"
JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS.
HILLARY INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS.
WHEN THEY RESUME HILLARY SAYS,
"OKAY, WHERE WERE WE ? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, QUESTION TIME.
WHO HAS A QUESTION ?"
A DIFFERENT BOY -- LITTLE JOHNNY -- PUTS HIS HAND UP.
HILLARY POINTS TO HIM AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"JOHNNY," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, JOHNNY ?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE FIVE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?
"FOURTH -- WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO OFF 20 MINUTES EARLY ?
"AND, FIFTH -- WHERE'S KENNETH ?"


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:53 pm
 


25.8069758011 is the root of all evil. 8O


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:19 pm
 


stratos wrote:
HILLARY CLINTON GOES TO A GIFTED-STUDENT PRIMARY SCHOOL IN NEW YORK TO TALK ABOUT THE WORLD.
AFTER HER TALK SHE OFFERS QUESTION TIME.
ONE LITTLE BOY PUTS UP HIS HAND. HILLARY ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"KENNETH," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, KENNETH ?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE THREE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"AND, THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?"
JUST THEN THE BELL RINGS FOR RECESS.
HILLARY INFORMS THE KIDDIES THAT THEY WILL CONTINUE AFTER RECESS.
WHEN THEY RESUME HILLARY SAYS,
"OKAY, WHERE WERE WE ? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, QUESTION TIME.
WHO HAS A QUESTION ?"
A DIFFERENT BOY -- LITTLE JOHNNY -- PUTS HIS HAND UP.
HILLARY POINTS TO HIM AND ASKS HIM WHAT HIS NAME IS.
"JOHNNY," HE SAYS.
"AND WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION, JOHNNY ?" SHE ASKS.
"I HAVE FIVE QUESTIONS," HE SAYS.
"FIRST -- WHATEVER HAPPENED IN BENGHAZI ?
"SECOND -- WHY WOULD YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF HANDLING TWO E-MAIL ACCOUNTS ?
"THIRD -- WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE MISSING SIX BILLION DOLLARS WHILE YOU WERE SECRETARY OF STATE ?
"FOURTH -- WHY DID THE RECESS BELL GO OFF 20 MINUTES EARLY ?
"AND, FIFTH -- WHERE'S KENNETH ?"

:lol: That's a good one stratos!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:41 pm
 


:D


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:12 am
 


Once in a 5-Star Hotel:
A man called the hotel manager...

Man: "Come up quickly, my wife and I had an argument and now she wants to throw herself out the window!"

Manager: "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. If you prefer, I may call the sec..."

The man interrupted.

Man: "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!"


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:24 am
 


LITTLE VITO ON MATH --

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None.

They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream, one is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MORE MATH:

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said 6", replies Little Vito. "But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito's father . . .

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH

Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says,

"Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job." ________________

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR:

Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says,

"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

________________

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it". Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito.

He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful,

fucking

beautiful."

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER:

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied,

"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered,

"No . . . he minded his own fucking business."


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:59 am
 


:wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2017 1:21 am
 


Once in a courtroom:

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:13 am
 


Chris2J wrote:
Once in a courtroom:

Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.


Here's some more....



1) Some things just aren’t straightforward enough
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


3) Some questions are just too complicated
LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

4) There’s never a reason not to make a pun
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

5) Taking responses too literally
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

6) To be fair, those headlights are pretty flashy
LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
LAWYER: What did she say?
WITNESS: ‘What disco am I at?’

7) Everything is possible
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No…
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

8) I don’t think that’s how memory works
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

9) Some people just simply aren’t good with numbers
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

10) Technically, it’s not wrong, which is the best type of being right
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

11) That one must’ve hurt…
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

12) Details matter
LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.

13) This seems like a trick question
LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

14) Using the right to remain silent isn’t always the brightest idea
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

15) This is when you need to switch attorneys
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


Attorney... now you testified it was just getting dark when you first heard the noise, correct?
Witness.... yes that is correct.
Attorney... well that was a year and one half ago, after all this time please tell the court how you specifically recall that it was just getting dark.
Witness.... I recall it because I had just put the cover over my canary cage which I always do just as it's getting dark.
Attorney... hmmm... and what colour is your canary?


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