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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 11:39 am
 


Only the British would tell this story:



As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.



They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.



Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."



Trump, always trying to be "Presidential" responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 11:54 am
 


Okay that one gave me a good chuckle.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 9:47 am
 


Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother."



Wife: "Why does it say do not resuscitate??"


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 10:31 am
 


PluggyRug wrote:
Only the British would tell this story:



As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.



They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.



Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."



Trump, always trying to be "Presidential" responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Gold.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 20, 2019 8:59 am
 


Aliens came to earth and looked for a stupid human to do an experiment on. They scanned the country high and low, and found a little man canoeing on a river that was completely dumb. They said, let's see how stupid these humans can get, let's remove half his brain and see what he does. So they removed his brain, then they put him back in the canoe. The man paddled around in circles. The aliens thought that wasn't proof enough, so they removed the other half of his brain, leaving just one little piece left. They put the man back in the canoe. The man paddled around in circles as the river carried him downstream.

At the end of the river some humans helped him out of the boat, and took him somewhere where other humans were. The aliens watched from high up, they still wanted to know how stupid these humans could get. As they watched, the humans were asking the brainless one questions. Finally they heard him speak; “we have recently switched to drinking water bottles out of…water, when we have water bottles…out of a plastic…sorry…away from plastic towards paper…like drink-box, water-bottle sorta things.”’


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:44 pm
 


What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?




...a Self-Cleaning Coven


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:45 pm
 


What's the definition of a Saint?




...a dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 2:50 pm
 


raydan wrote:
What's the definition of a Saint?




...a dead liberal who is worshiped by living conservatives


It is true that we prefer dead liberals over living ones. [B-o]


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:52 am
 


Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:40 pm
 


A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:22 pm
 


raydan wrote:
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”


ROTFL dam I needed the laugh!!


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:53 am
 


raydan wrote:
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”



Good laugh to start my crappy Monday off with. THANKS [B-o]


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:29 am
 


Image


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 20, 2020 7:14 pm
 


A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk'.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 25, 2020 12:24 pm
 


A rabbit, a Priest and an Imam walk into a bar.

The rabbit says "That might be a typo".


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