[Scape]

A man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of beer please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, both living in different countries. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three pints too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers has passed.”

The man said: “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

[DrCaleb]

Wife asks: "Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?"

"I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends."

[Scape]

[DrCaleb]

More of a documentary.

But Fozz E. Bear still sold out Madison Square Gardens the next week.

I don't know why they call it MSG, because it's round, and on 8th Ave.

[DrCaleb]

Who is the Patron Saint of hippies?

St. Stephen, because he was stoned.

[DrCaleb]

MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive.

- Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving

[DrCaleb]

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, once.

They did unspeakable things.


Oh! And I researched quiet bullets for Mimes. All you need is a finger gun to take them 'out'.

[MeganC]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

[MeganC]

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot!“

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand! I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky. He is the one I was insulting!“

The police captain says, “You can’t fool us. Everyone knows who the idiot is.”

[MeganC]

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," Putin replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad news?"

The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."

[MeganC]

Vladimir Putin arrives at the airport in Poland and gets in line at the customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

[MeganC]

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

[MeganC]

Q: What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

A: Hitler knew when to kill himself

[MeganC]

Putin’s car was racing along a back road, as he was late for a tryst.
The car came around a corner and hit a hog in the middle of the road,
killing it. He told the chauffeur to stop, saying,

‘That hog was probably the farmers food for this winter. Go up to the
farmhouse on the hill and tell him that you killed it.’

So the chauffeur heaves himself out of the sedan and trudges up the
hill to the farm house, goes in and doesn’t come back for an hour. He
gets back in the driver’s seat totally drunk and reeking of vodka.

Putin asks where the heck he has been and what took so long. The driver
says he went in and the farmer set him down and got him drunk and
offered food aplenty. Then, the farmer’s daughter came out and enticed the driver into her room where he received pleasures untold.

Putin asked, ‘Exactly, what did you say to the farmer?’

The driver said, ‘I told him, ‘I am Putin’s chauffeur and I just killed the pig.”

[MeganC]

“Hey, Yuri, did you hear we’re at war with NATO!”

“Astounding, Ivan, how are we doing?”

“We’ve lost 80,000 men, the storied 1st Guards Tank Army has been wiped out, more than 1,000 of our latest tanks are burned out hulks, we have to get old T62s out of storage to stay in the war, we’ve lost more generals in war than any nation ever, our flag ship is at the bottom of the Black Sea, we’re losing airbases hundreds of kilometers behind lines, land it took us 3 months to take was taken back from us in 3 days, our fleet has retreated from Sevastopol, and we can’t come within 300 kilometers of Ukraine’s coast without getting one of our few remaining warships blown up!”

“That’s terrible, Ivan! How is NATO doing?”

“Oh, they haven’t even started to fight.”