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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 7:09 am
 


A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.



The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says, "I've never
felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"



The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never
misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit
of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside
the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly,
two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of
that?"



The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly..."


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 7:59 am
 


Very funny Beaver...

The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"?
She replied "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:15 am
 


A guy goes to his Doctor complaining he can't sleep. Problem is, he can't take pills. The Doc prescribes a high potency sleeping aid, that, sadly, comes in the form of a suppository.

The next time the guy comes in to the Doc's office, the Doc asks how it worked for him.

The guy says "It worked a little too quickly Doc. I got into bed and inserted the suppository, and woke up the next morning with my finger in my ass."


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 9:18 am
 


A little analogy for the start of Vietnam...

One day, a little fly was buzzing around an old barn. In this barn, there was a fresh cow patty, a rather large one. Now, this fly noticed it was the only one around, and went in to feast. By the end of the day, the fly had eaten all the crap. It was gone. However, the fly found it was now to heavy to fly (5 pounds of shit can do that to a fly) This was what you could call a bright fly, however, so it looked around and sure enough noticed that the farmer had left a pitchfork leaning againts the barn wall! Lucky, thought the fly. His plan was to climb up to the handle, and jump off into the wind, thus being carried away.

The fly didnt catch the wind. It fell to it's death, splattering on the floor.

The Moral: Don't fly off the handle when your full of shit.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2005 6:32 pm
 


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says...

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2005 11:40 am
 


Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"


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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2005 3:23 pm
 


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


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PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 6:57 am
 


Feel like a women

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by wind, hail and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they're all going to die.

A woman jumps up and yells "I can't take this anymore!. I just can't sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I'm going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raised in the back and a muscular man, tall and buffed, starts walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.

Even in the plane's dim lighting, she can see his firm muscles. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says "I can make you feel like a woman. Are you interested?" She nods her head "yes."

He hands her his shirt and says "Here - iron this."

:lol:


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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 1:31 pm
 


A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"


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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 8:07 am
 


Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."


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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 8:11 am
 


calvin or hobbes ? haha


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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 8:31 am
 


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 8:35 am
 


JonnyW wrote:
calvin or hobbes ? haha


hobbes?


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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 9:52 am
 


nevermind [flag]


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2005 9:55 am
 


Some musical jokes,

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.

What if you drop the piano on an army base? A flat major.

How do you know a drummer is at the door? The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.

What do you call somebody who hangs around musicians? A drummer

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend? Homeless

Where do you find a bassist? Behind the lead guitarist.

What is the difference between a session guitarist and a large pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10: 1 to screw it in and 9 to say they can do it better.

How does Yngwie Malmsteen change a lightbulb?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him

The guitarist asks his drummer to pick up his new guitar at the store just a block away - a pink Strat with a Floyd Rose Trem.
The drummer is walking down the block, enters a store and says: "Hey my guitarist send me to pick up his new Pink Floyd with a strat trem. "
The guy in the store: "Hey are you a drummer?"
Drummer:"Hey , yes, how did you now?"
Guy: "This is a travel agency!"

2 jazz musicians are sitting in the park, when suddenly they hear a big bang.
“ hey, did you hear that?? What was that?”
“ It was a Eb#9..”

What is a musician doing after work?
- He sets the cab sign “off duty”!

A child to his mother:
“When I grew up, I wanna be a drummer”
Mother:”You have to make a decision, you can´t have both!”

Whats a guitarists dream?
- A girlfriend with a job!

Why are jokes about guitarists so short?
- Bassists have to understand them as well!

How can you identify a Rhythm-guitarist
- just check for a rusty e-string!

How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 5. One to change it, and four to argue about how Coltrane would have changed it.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
- Viola burns a little longer.

What's the difference between a flute player and a dress maker.
- The dress maker tucks up the frills.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, they have machines to do that nowadays

The Best Joke:

Stallone, Arnold, and Jackie Chan are in an upcoming movie where they all play great musicians from the past. The three Choices are Paganini, Chopin, and Bach.

Stallone says " I won't be in the movie unless i play Paganini ".. so he gets the role.

Jackie says " Well if its like that i wont act unless i get to play Chopin "

A pissed Arnold says " Ill be Bach. "


:lol:


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