So, what you thought you said was "It's only a game." But, judging from the horror of those around you, what actually came out of your mouth was "I eat kittens," or "I worship the devil" or "That George W. Bush made a lot of sense."
And now you're wondering why, when it's everyone else who has come down with a terminal case of Canucks Fever, that it's you who has been banished to the social leper colony.
Because this is the truth during Vancouver's Stanley Cup playoff run: You are either on the bus, or you are under the bus. And you, a tea-sipping, Atwood-reading, "I only watch PBS" cat-eating Satanist neo-con halfwit, are about to get tire tracks on your tweed-and-turtleneck combo.
OK, it's not your fault that you are not a hockey fan. Some people were simply born without souls (though John Cummins might see it as a life choice). You really shouldn't blame yourself for being an anti-social lone gunman/stalker type.
Besides, it's still possible to fit in if you really want to. Just learn to sprinkle the conversation with a few key points and you, too, can pass yourself off as a Canucks fan.
Simply follow the Top Ten Tips For Faking the Fever.
jknox@timescolonist.com 1First, never say "it's only a game." That is like shooting John Lennon and saying "it's only a Beatle."
2The last two NHL scoring titles have been won by Vancouver's Swedish identical twins (which sounds like a Penthouse Forum fantasy, but isn't) Henrik and Daniel Sedin. You might think this would make Canucks fans love them. You would be wrong. They are the Sedin sisters. Everything bad that happens to Vancouver is their fault.
3Whenever you hear the name Roberto Luongo, tilt your head back like a wolf and howl "Looooooo!" This can also be taken as "Boooooo!" which is OK, because everything bad that happens to Vancouver is his fault.
4Periodically, a man who looks like Col. Sanders' angry brother will appear on screen, dressed in a suit that appears to have been sewn from the Von Trapps' drapes by Fraulein Maria, or perhaps Colin and Justin.
This is Don Cherry, whom Canadians voted into seventh place on the CBC's list of greatest Canadians, one spot behind Lester Pearson and just ahead of Sir John A. Macdonald. Think of this the next time you laugh at Americans for voting for Sarah Palin.
5After leading Vancouver to its first winning season in 1975, star goaltender Gary "Suitcase" Smith was at a team Christmas party when he was introduced to the team owner's wife, an heiress to the Ballard pet-food fortune. "Gee," he said, "I see the resemblance on the can."
The next morning, the owner phoned Canucks general manager Phil Maloney. "He told me to get rid of Gary Smith," Maloney told Victoria author Jeff Rud in Canucks Legends.
6If a hapless Canuck (a term once considered redundant) should put the puck into his own net, invoke the name of Lars Lindgren. The defenceman famously scored the prettiest own goal in league history, picking the corner with a perfect wrist shot, which is kind of like running over your own dog. "Eight million Swedes, and we have the only one who can't skate," lamented coach Harry Neale.
7When you pay for a round, casually flip open your wallet to show the photo of Ryan Kesler where your spouse is supposed to be. Wistfully say "I wish he were Canadian."
8Just for context, here's the all-time three-star selection: 1. Jesus. 2. Trevor Linden. 3. Everybody else. Some people would flip the first two.
9The single most important thing to remember about the Canucks? They are a country song, will eventually break your heart, which is why the average Vancouver fan looks a lot like Chicken Little. Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness. The Canucks have spent 41, failing to win a single Stanley Cup since entering the league in 1970. After 40 years of taking slapshots to the nuts, Canucks fans can be forgiven for flinching. Yet they continue to live in hope, like leaving the porch light on for Amelia Earhart.
10You know who has won a Stanley Cup? Us. The Victoria Cougars were the last non-NHL team to do so, beating the Montreal Canadiens in Oak Bay's old Patrick Arena in 1925.
The Cougars name lived on when the roster was sold to Detroit a couple of years later, but the NHL team later changed the name to the Falcons, then the Red Wings.
Reciting all this in the bar will either impress the bejeepers out of the other drunks, or make you sound like Rain Man.
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