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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:11 pm
 


Even one look at me
will ease my pain
your eyes are the cure
for my soul's suffering
there are sights I'd give up to see
mountains, waterfalls, forests,
just ot have satisfaction
for my thirst
for those eyes are the fountain

Green are your eyes
have you not looked?
I have, though you may not know,
too many times to count,
you don't know how precious they are
the rarest jeweld
don't even come close

Maybe your eyes aren't what I love
maybe because they are the doors to your soul
where can I find the key
others looked for it
they didn't succeed
neither have I,
fear not, someone will
it just won't be me
you see,
I heard the key has an inscription
that says "Destiny"
is destiny who brings the key
AH! Yes, it is
And it won't be I,
to receive it
unfortunately...


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 1:55 pm
 


Very good poem. it had deep meaning, very strong words. I personnaly like the abstract you use

the thing you might want to work on is not beeing so direct in your formulation. what i mean is instead of saying green find and image (like maybe of something that is green). Use words to create an image that will define the eyes instead of the eyes difining a color.

I hope you understand what im trying to say, and i hope ive been usefull





PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:40 am
 


Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your suggestion,and I can see my mistake now. I'm glad you liked it.


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