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Canada Invades the US...

2004-12-01 11:01:08
There was this Guy... named Bush, who came to Canada and suggested that we should take an active role in war against terrorism. He even has the audaciti to quote one of our prime minister: "We cannot defend our country and save our homes and families by waiting for our enemies to attack us. To remain on the defensive is the surest way to bring the war to Canada."

So, don't you know it, PM Martin takes his advice, and recalls all his troops, and makes them land in DC. In a swift attack, the valiant men set the White House on fire... again... and most senator are now in Canadian hands. The next day, Ottawa....
2004-12-05 16:28:01
Ottawa was attacked by a military group known as the American Liberation Army, or ALA for short. The next day, the Government of Canada publicly revealed a secret that surprised the world... An elite group of soldiers known simply as "The Guardians" had emerged from Northern Canada to protect Canadians from terrorist attacks and American Right-Wing thinking. Their armor resembled that of Halo's Master Chief with Cadpat design and their weapons were the new XM8 assault rifles. They quickly silenced the A.L.A.

Somehow, before their demise, the A.L.A. sent a message to all oversea's American troops to tell them of the Canadian Occupation. They soon arrived to stop the Guardians. Before anyone knew what was happening, Canada's military, including JTF2 and the Guardians, were in a full-scale war against the world's most powerful military. And when it seemed like the Canadians were losing, there was an interesting change of fortune for them.....
2004-12-08 06:37:28
The Russian Prime Minister surounded the US with their nuclear submarines and threatened to spank the Americans if they didn't be good. Unfortunately for the Russian submarine crews the American water was too poluted for their submarines and they all sunk in the nasty American water before they could rid the world of a dangerous creaature Known as Americans.

During all of this the Canadian government did something that no one thought possible. "we were hoping to never have to admit this but there are still 2 of Canada's best fighters ever built, the Avro Arrow." explained PM Martin. And with that said the two legendary fighters emerged from somewhere over the Arctic.

The Americans thought they had tricked the Canadian government into destroying all of the Avro Arrows in 1959, but now they knew they were wrong. "Those bastards, they think they have the right to build something better than us and then lie to us after we go though all the trouble of makeing sure they destroy all of those damn planes!" Bush blundered in his new office which is in the back of a gay strip club.

But possibly because of their low I.Q's the Americans were slow on the draw...again...and the Avro Arrows were able to....
2004-12-09 11:26:17
Fly under the American radar, just under Mach 10. In minutes, the Arrows were able to cripple all of the USAF without firing a single shot. Each time a Hypersonic Arrow would fly by an USAF jet fighter, the hypersonic shock wave would disintegrate it. Not even their great Boeing 747 flying laser would come close of scorching an Arrow.

The Canadians scientist kept busy for the past 40 years. All those years, we kept telling the Americans: "this is Santa’s workshop". And these people over there in green smock are Elves... The guardians are also a product of "Santa's workshop"

Once Land and Air forces were annihilated, a great naval battle was about to begin....

2004-12-17 15:10:23
President Bush thought to himself: "Ha! Those Canucks have only 36 ships in their navy. This will be too easy." What he didn't realise was that all Canadian Ships engine speed capability was set on low. Another thing he didn't realise was that Canada had 3 Joint Support Ships and 2 aircraft carriers along with 5 destroyers in a dry dock up north. All of which were heavily armed and had the same high-speed capability of the other 36 ships. The poor bastard, upon hearing this news, had a hissy fit. Then he did something REALY stupid....
2004-12-19 20:25:29
He made his way onto national television, once again, and chirped about how terrible the Toronto Maple Leafs, and how weak the Ottawa Senators were!!! OUTRAGOUS! For once, those two heated rivals joined together, and started to prepare for a might war. Bush wanted to respond, and ....
2005-01-06 09:14:50
then he realised that Canada was actually north of the USA, not to the south as he believed. by now however, he had sent all of his troops to Mexico, leaving America open for a real Canadian invasion.

we sent everything, our Geman designed Leopard tanks, American designed CF-18 fighters, and our secret weapon: hockey fans with nothing to do without the NHL
2005-01-20 20:01:14
And so, Canada did fight America that day. Bush failed to realise how deadly a pissed off drunken hockey fan with a goalie mask and hockey stick could be. Our navy wiped out the American navy, the hockey fans killed off more than half the Bush Administration, and the toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators marched off for Mexico. The great battle that ensued was terrible. It seemed that Canada was losing to the American Military (what was left of it). All of a sudden, Canada got help from three unlikely allies.......The Netherlands, Norway, and......................................................Israel.
2005-02-04 11:02:08
With the help of the three unlikely allies, Canada crushed every redneck hick they could find. As Canada's forces marched south, they realized how pathetic and useless this land they had conquered actually was! As the hockey fans laid down their sticks they lifted their chilled glasses of REAL BEER and saluted the new MP of the new province, Don Cherry!!!
2005-02-17 23:11:59
And that is how we showed the residents of Canada Jr (formerly the United States of America) the Canada Kicks Ass. However...
2005-03-05 17:45:57
This was not the end, and one day when Don found out that...
2005-03-11 09:53:08
in secret, Bush had authorised the cloning of Mark Messier. 1000 clones were indoctrinated into thinking they were from Lickballs Montana, and were thus, American. Soon after the indoctrination, they were cryogenically frozen in a secret bunker at Area 51.

Upon this discovery, and realising that none of this would be happening ifhe had of stayed in Vancouver, David Duchovney began the re-animation process in one last hope of returning the US to self rule, heavy polution, high murder rates, and a crap version of football seemingly made superior by the masses of cash pumped into it by the Yankee TV Stations.

The last of the green goop was dripping off of the reanimated clones when...
2005-03-22 15:17:33
The Guardians that were created in Santa's Workshop blew open the doors, and tried to stop the clones and David Duchovney. But it was too late, They came so close to stopping the world's number 1 terrorist, and all seemed lost, until..........................
2005-03-29 01:02:47
The Mark Messier clones seemed as if they were ready to destroy the out numbered Canadian Guardians. It was then that each of the guardians reached into their back packs and pulled out bags of Lays potatoe chips. Upon seeing the chips, the Messier clones haulted and began to drool uncontrollably. The Guardians then tossed the bags of Lays poatoe chips to the Messier clones whom then began to consume them. Suddenly, the Clones began to twitch, they began to collapse to the floor as a result of violent siezers induced by poison which was laced onto the Lays potatoe chips by Canadian Intelligence officers. The guardians laughed as the clones began to parish.

David Duchovney shrieked in horror as he witnessed his chance for victory dwindle into obscurity. He fells to his knees and cried out, "The truth is out there, the truth is out there"!!!!!!! A lead gaurdian approached Duchovny with a pistol in hand. "Your right Duchovny" said the Guardian. "The truth is out there, and the truth is simple......CANADA KICKS ASS"!!! The guardian fired 2 shots into Duchovny's skull. It was over, finally the war for a better world was over. The guardians were relieved and celebrated with a shot of Canadian Club rye and a singing of the Canadian Nation Anthem. It was now over..........or was it?

2005-03-30 17:45:11
Unfortunately, Bush had escaped yet again and was now hiding in Saudi Arabia. There he developed the most dreadful weapon of mass destruction the world had ever known.............................Republican Super Soldiers!!! Designed to eradicate the Guardians and take back America!! They were braindead morons entirely loyal to bush and the republican party. All hope is lost, it looks like the world would have to go back to America's world of Stupidity and Ignorance. However, bush did not realise that Republican Super soldiers and the Middle-East don't mix too well....................................
2005-03-31 17:37:32
It seemed that the Soldiers, after a genetic mutation, were somewhat disfunctional, and had a great fondness for the Ships of the Dessert. Before too long the soldiers began spitting uncontrollably. Dehydrated from the high dessert heat, they were soon to become a spent force.

The Arab's realising that their main source of income, ie excessive wastage by the Americans, was at threat, and generally became very concerned. Knowing that the Canadians were far more respected world wide than the previous occupants of the vermin infected land between Mexico and the 49th Paralell, they realised that they could not simply organise covert terror attacks, and hope to gain any sympathy from the lilly livered European countries.

Many long arduous meetings of the heads of the Arab states ensued on how they would get little W his job back so he could go on buying loadsa loadsa oil, and they could keep their 47 wives in the lifestyles they become accustomed to. Suddently it dawned on the Yemini representative, Hous Bin Pharteen that...
2005-04-01 20:24:49
"Hang on!" he said, "If we give Bush back his precious right -wing America, he'll invade our countried, kill our people and take our oil!! Let the little bugger die!!" At that moment, a Canadian Ambassador burst through the doors panting: " President Bush.............invasion.................Australia.................kangaroo soldiers.................................new world order.................................." and collapsed winded. Naturally, when Canada received news that Australia was invaded, they were pissed. So we pulled all of our troops out of Canada Jr. (former U.S.A.) and set sail for Australia. The Canadian fleet was approaching the Australian Coast when..................
2005-04-15 09:07:55
2005-05-17 18:33:35
No, not peacekeeping. Eventually the Americans weighed the odds and decided to end this ungrateful world. Shooting out 3,000 hydrogen bombs of an unfathomable megaton magnitude, the earth was disintegrated within 2 minutes- and all because the Canadians invaded America.
Meanwhile, an alien vehicle came across a smoldering planet and....
2005-05-19 19:39:39
found the decaying remnants of what appeared to be a large silver cup placed upon a large silver cylinder. The Aliens looked happy as they rose the cup into the air. This must have been thier most prozed possession one alien said to the other. All the Aliens stood around the cup and basked in it's glory and magnitude.... But just then....
2005-05-19 19:40:31
found the decaying remnants of what appeared to be a large silver cup placed upon a large silver cylinder. The Aliens looked happy as they rose the cup into the air. This must have been thier most prozed possession one alien said to the other. All the Aliens stood around the cup and basked in it's glory and magnitude.... But just then....
2005-05-21 22:20:59
a sole Canadian stepped out from the ruins, and spoke,"
2005-05-23 13:43:15
"WTF!?" he said. "I want my nation back, and I want it now!!!"

The aliens were confused as to what this lifeform was saying. So they were chatting amongst themselves when.......
2005-05-23 23:50:03
the Canadian grabbed the cup and just started hoofing it back towards the ruins. The aliens stared after the Canadian in amazement and wondering if it was worth going after the cup.

Once the aliens regained their composure it was decided they would...
2005-05-28 21:46:55
Challenge the Canadian for possession of the Cup. The aliens and the Canadian decided on playing a game of Hockey with the winner being granted the rights to the cup and all of North America. The Aliens practiced and practiced.. they even signed a few professional players from the US and Europe to support thier team. These players came to them for they knew with the lockout this was the on;ly decent hockey to be played. They also knew in the new World order if the Aliens won... this could mean they would be paid in millions of dollars. The Canadian team was based on players from all over Canada.. In grand Canadian tradition.. they practiced only once and stepped out onto the ice.....
2005-05-29 17:52:34
In true Canadian fashion, the first four games of the series, which were incidentally the one's hosted on the remnents of Earth, fell to the Aliens. Partly due to the shoddy goaltending by Martin Brodeur and Roberto Loungo. The last games of the series would go to the alien home world. Then Canada pulled out it's secret weapon. Jose Theodore took the place of Brodeur and Loungo. With Theodore came Canada's most famous hockey player... Paul Henderson, who had been cloned from his prime. In a repeat of the 1972 win over the USSR, Paul Henderson scored the winning goals for Team Canada, it was the final game when...
2005-05-31 23:52:42
Julius Caesar awoke from this horrid nightmare and wondered what the strange omen would bring. As he rose from bed, Calpurnia rushed into his room, begging him not meet with the Senate. Caesar shook her, telling her to calm down, but...
2005-06-13 11:05:27
..in typical female fashion, she refused. There was absolutely no hope for the poor girl now.. she was in for it. Julius called on his court jesters 'condosleezy' and 'chainmecheney'. He knew with their performances that he would be able to calm Calpurnia down.. Just then, they rushed through the door and started...
2005-06-13 22:59:41
knitting. Yes, knitting folks. Julius left his Calpurnia with a bundle of yarn and went off to meet his fate in those fateful halls of the fateful Senate chamber. But luckily for Caesar, Brutus had the shits and Cassius, the fits. Caesar went on to become the first emperor of the Roman Empire and history...didn't change all that much. The next year, Caesar died in a flood on the Tiber. But, before he perished, he raised his hand out of the water in classic Terminator-style and gestured with his hand that....
2005-06-20 12:50:08
Im not Sure But I think He was Flipping Me Off
2005-07-06 16:14:14
Yes he was, damn it was the Trudeau Salute. Which I promptly returned with much gusto.
2005-10-07 07:52:21
But back at the ranch:
"it was the final game when....."
a white, brilliant light appeared in the southern sky. It was astounding! It was moving toward the city at very high speed. And there it was in an instant. It was huge, and projected an aura of power. It was the SECRET WEAPON that the United States had been working on for 20 years. The alien were unfamiliar with Area 51, but they were about to get an education like they had never received. A blinding beam fell upon each alien. The aliens screamed in horror, "Waaazzzzuuppppp!". A voice from above in a Texas drawl spoke saying, "Your time." With that, the aliens disintergrated into dust. The ship then, at blinding speed, zoomed into the heavens toward the Mother ship. And in a second turned into a blue-white flame as it approached the Mother ship. Continuing to spool up its speed, it impacted the ship and went straight through hull and out the other side causing the Mother ship to explode into millions of pieces. The aliens were distroyed. The US vessel turned back to Earth.....
2005-11-15 00:08:12
In the end it was all just a dream by some insane psychopath sitting in a mental Hospital, being treated for delusional paranoia. Communist Canada, was never free enough to have such thoughts with out being regarded as mentally insane, but in deed this Canadian was mentally insane. Canadian communist dictator Paul Martian, a suto US appointee would never allow such decent other than in his public speeches and “political policies” as to show among other things the imagine that he was no in fact a mere puppet of the cooperate interest of United States of America.
2005-11-23 16:57:51
Suddenly, a Canadian Guardian woke up in a daze....

"Ow, my head," he said.

"Thank God," he said, "it was just a really awful dream. That part about the demented Canadian guy was freaky."

He had too much Canadian club and had passed out. After realising that he was surrounded by dead Marc Messier clones, he remembered his final orders....

He now had to wake up the others and head for the world's most god-forsaken place...........Winnipeg! Here, they would have to find a special building, where there would be a control console, and they had to enter the code they had all been given......


The Guardians entered the code, and suddenly, a bubble appeared over the entire continental United States. Then the Guardians proceeded to enact Order 13-6-3, code for MFC which means Mike From Canmore...

This instantly created a clone of Mike From Canmore, who was placed in the bubble to wreak his usual havoc on the former USA. It was all finally over......A new age was upon the world, the Age.........of Intelligence....
2006-01-17 20:18:08
In this age of intellegence, the Canadian people realized that the country was way the hell to big for one prime minister and naturually this caused civil unrest which in turn resulted in civil war...Mostly east vs. west....
2006-01-24 08:30:24
So the Guardians were sent by the Prime Minister to quell the civil war, and Canada was eventually reunited, in doing so, Canada passed a law that said that Canada was hence forth indivisble.....And then there was peace...............
2006-02-18 00:22:08
Hence the great never ending story actually ends due to a lack of story line.
2006-02-25 19:45:44
"Ouch, my head hurts" said the great PM, as he got up off his bed, hung over from the night of clubbing with real beer.
"What a strange dream....."
2006-03-10 20:02:16
PM said "Gosh, I love America. How can I even think about invading the U.S.??"

Eventually, Canada decided to be more friendly to the U.S.
2006-03-11 02:03:56
But the pm realized he was still under the influence of a heavy night of drinking,and that last statement was completely irrelevent
2006-04-02 15:33:33
So He invaded America and bitchslapped YankGreat in the process for being such a dumbass.

But then the Russians got involved......
2006-04-20 16:21:46
The Russians then set the white house on fire once again, this time using vodka.

The president got out fine considering he had 1500 secret tunnels.

We deicided this was ok. The pm let it go considering he was a little hungover and didnt care about anything at the time.

Then the russians did the same to Canada.

Instead of setting fire to the parliment building, they did it to the Bell Centre. The leafs attempted to stop them but were usless and all Domi did was try try to fight 30 drunk russians. He was doing well. But the leafs couldnt stop them.

So The OTTAWA SENATORS, top team in the east :) came to help...
2006-05-12 10:21:32
"Good morning, fellow Cascadians", said the governor of Washington. "We are now free from the oppressive American and Canadian governments. Washington, Oregon, Northern California, British Columbia, the Inside Passage, and Alberta are now free! Glory to the revolution!"
2006-06-16 16:30:31
Then he woke up and turned off the news at 11 because the yuppies wouldn't shut up about how much they care for Bell Centre (the lying bastards) and how the Ottawa Senators really helped but pissed off the Leafs and they started complaining about how Toronto is bigger and better (and they know it) but Ottawa is the capital of Canada anyway, yada, yada, yada. Then the Oilers showed up, gave the Leafs some tissues and KD, whooped the Russians asses, and restored peace in Canada and Canada Jr. Until...
2006-06-16 20:56:44
Until they realized that game 6 was taking place the very next day and prayed to god they won't choke like calgary did in the finals, they flew back to edmonton behind 3-2 in the series against carolina... hopefully the shinanagans at the bell centre wouldn't effect thier play the next night...
(lets go oil, w00t)
2006-10-20 11:28:11
Little Pierre felt a warmness on his face; he woke up. It had all been a dream. Of course Canaduh could never invade the United States, not successfully, anyway. Pierre got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He was safe and sound, and he had America to thank for it.
2006-11-29 13:53:17
And on a side note: I love the fact that there are so many pro americans on this sight haha
2006-12-29 20:27:57
An then Pierre went to history class, and much to is delight he learned that in 1812 Canadians burnt down the White House, his suposition about Canadians not being successful in invading the states was as much a dream as Minnesota being any good at anything other than ice fishing.
2007-05-27 12:32:36
Tony Blair rises from his seat in Parliment and applauds the dream of Pierre.
We won't listen to a Bush anymore we will send our best hooligan firm to Baffin Island as an immediate response 'town destroying' team all 10,000 of 'um Canada won't stand alone!
Man the ferries er lifeboats sorry ships. God bless America....Canada? France?
2010-02-11 18:31:24
Then as Georges st pierre of ufc (montreal quebec) read this story in america he realized that beating americans senseless in an american produced competition wasnt helping anybody eh, he grabed the nearest hockey stick he could find geared up and went on a killing spree of legend. ALL the canadians were moved by this action and in ancient canadian tradition before attacking usa sacrificed the symbol of americas infulence on canada....... Justin beaver, after scraficing bieber canadian citizens gathered getting drunk as fuck in tradition then after getting theyre fuck on hopped in the tanks built in canada for america to americas specifications but of course americas specifications made the tanks to heavy to be flown to afgahnistan. THEY DROVE THE TANKS TO AMERICA CLEASING THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT OF THE DISEASE KNOWN AS UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BUT ONLY LEAVING THOSE OF ACADIAN DESCENT ALIVE (FRRENCH CANADIAN) THEN AS THE FIRES EXTINGUISHED AND THE GIRLISH SCREAMS OF THE AMERICANS CEASED THEYRE STOOD A BEUTIFUL NORTH AMERICA !!!

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