[Non-Rev]

Dear Patriot;

As Canadians, we have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as Canadian, make the following statement and carefully note the reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and got a mickey of CC at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, eh? Darn chinook had melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was SOL, sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a touque at the time, eh? And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say except, "Sorry, EH?"


If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once!!!

The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms. In order:

* Eh? or eh? Universal Canadian device for keeping the attention of the person being spoken to, and ensuring they have understood you. More culturally acceptable than the American "Huh?".
(Also, Canadians do NOT say "aboot". No one knows where this myth started, nor do we care.)

* pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.
(Used to be "UI" but the government thought that was degrading to people who were collecting "Unemployment Insurance" and so changed the name - that helped a lot!)

* mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)

* CC: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian club.

* beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.

* skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers and drunken old men who think they're teenagers. (Snowmobiles)

* muskeg: Boggy swampland. Unlike areas of Florida and Louisiana, only thaws for weeks per year.

* duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; perfect metaphor for Canada's French and English.

* deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile."

* chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of all Calgarians.

* Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also "Pepper spray, uses of".)

* snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)

* ghost car: An plain unmarked police car, instantly identifiable by its inconspicuousness and cheap hubcaps.

* impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective(the alternative adjectival form of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

* SOL: Shit-outta-luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

* Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front!

* touque: a woollen hat, Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as wearing a pair of Stanfields on your head.

* chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

* Shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term.
(Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)

[SamuraiPenny]

Loved the whole idea of doing a speech-check on any dodgy dudes. I will memorise it, and try here - Brighton has a large amount of Canadians. However, at the serious risk of being decapitated by a hockey stick (you can't touch me, my daughter is a goalie), I have to disagree with the 'aboot' statement. Canadians do say 'aboot', and damned fine it is to hear, too! I reckon that you guys can't hear it, if you know what I mean! We love it - sends shivers down the spine of any real woman! As for Mounties, if you have any spare, send one here! On our last visit to London, youngest daughter and I peered through the glass doors of Canada House, in the vain attempt to see a goodly sight. Unfortunately, it was lunchtime, and there was only a neatly-suited lady on the desk - very disappointing!

[natooke]

More Candianism !

candy floss
chocolate bar
donair
Glosettes
homo milk
icing sugar
Kraft Dinner
pop
I still use the word fin still today & I miss buying a pack of thrills how many klicks is it to the town? I hate no-see-ums etc

This with Canadians saying "aboot" ... I've never heard in Western Canada, mind you maybe I'm not hearing it but I would like to add that the country has many dialects ... e.g a Cape Bretoner will pronouce about differently then someone like from Edmonton.

[Francesca]

"No-see-ums"....are they those tiny little bugs that hover in a group of about a million? If they are, my sis and I call 'em "fuck bugs", cuz you don't see 'em till you've walked right into them most times....and then all you can say is "awww..fuck!!"

[SamuraiPenny]

If it's any help in locating the 'abooters', it is very close to the Scots 'aboot' - maybe only those of Scottish descent say it?

[natooke]

Francesca Francesca:

"No-see-ums"....are they those tiny little bugs that hover in a group of about a million? If they are, my sis and I call 'em "fuck bugs", cuz you don't see 'em till you've walked right into them most times....and then all you can say is "awww..fuck!!"

YEP ... & they sure do bite.


another word i use still today is "venders" I'm going to buy a bottle of Rum at the venders.

[natooke]

SamuraiPenny SamuraiPenny:

If it's any help in locating the 'abooters', it is very close to the Scots 'aboot' - maybe only those of Scottish descent say it?

I think you have something here Maybe certain areas of the Maritimes pronouce about & it sounds like "aboot" The Cape Bretoners that I've met do pronouce many things in their dialect.

Cross Canada phrase book:
http://www.geist.com/phrasebook/index.php

how about ginch v. gaunch ???

[Killah_Ghost]

* Eh? - Alot of Americans say "eh". I don't know when that became an Canadian only term
* mickey: When Americans (well atleast in the North) say mickey we talking about the small bottle
* skidoo: I think everyone knows what a sjidoo is
* duplex: Americans say that word all the time, now how is this Canadian?
* deke: OMG, is that Canadian? Give me a break. Everyone know the term deke.
* snuck: Same as above
* impaired: Duh!

Give me a f***ing break.

[othello]

Why he used his pogey for a mickey, instead of a two-four, I don't know. He must be some kind of a suck to be complaining so much. I would have given him scads of serviettes and told him to clean himself up. "Drown your sorrows in some poutine, buddy!", I would have said. "And stop your grousing!"

Now, is it the Nanaimo bars that have been contributing to my Molson muscle? Or maybe it's too much time on the chesterfield here in Cowtown. Too bad it's so hard to find a beavertail in this city. I sure do like them.

[othello]

Killah_Ghost Killah_Ghost:

* Eh? - Alot of Americans say "eh". I don't know when that became an Canadian only term
* mickey: When Americans (well atleast in the North) say mickey we talking about the small bottle
* skidoo: I think everyone knows what a sjidoo is
* duplex: Americans say that word all the time, now how is this Canadian?
* deke: OMG, is that Canadian? Give me a break. Everyone know the term deke.
* snuck: Same as above
* impaired: Duh!

Give me a f***ing break.

You're a hoser.

[F/sgt Cam]

othello othello:

You're a hoser.

Haha, that was priceless.... now we can watch him go through series of bob mackenzie tapes trying to find out what that one means

[BlackIvy]

If you were telling me the story, I would reply " O is it? Hoky! " That comes from The Rez! That's Canadian for First Nation Reserve

[jacker_the_mooch]

if someone said that to me, I'd fall over laughing....

[Narissa]

I'm surprised nobody mentioned our delicious beavertails.

[Darkreaver]

That was excelent.I laughed my guts out with that one.