Jokes For: 13 steps for reintergration to civilian life
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
A combination of any curse word with any vowel, verb, adjective or adverb is also generally advised against.
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true, so no more batwings, oop's I sat in gum, the brain, beating chicken heart, and no more "are these your strawberries?"
Also games such as finger in the butt-hand on the balls, the ass plow, the credit card and de-nah-na-nah aren't quite acceptable for civilian life
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
Joke Category: Canadian Jokes
Joke Author: 
Joke Submitted by: Canadaka 
Joke Submitted on: December 14, 2009
Joke Last Modified: December 14, 2009
This Joke was printed from Canada Kicks Ass