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- To the American Government -
Category: Other Jokes/American Jokes

From: sjasjs99
Author: Unknown
Added: February 19, 2009
Modified: February 19, 2009
Views: 3731
Votes: 8
Rating: 4.75

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To the American Government:

Message from HM Queen Elizabeth II

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure in recent years to govern yourselves half reasonably, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor-General, without the need for further elections.

Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary'.)

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We shall let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize'.

3. 4th July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.)

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips and those things you insist on calling 'potato chips' are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with ketchup but with malt vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we shall let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. (Croquet is also an option.)

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all money due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 5.00 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you've been calling 'cookies') and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS. Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!!!

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Posted By:
i live in the U.S. but was born in Canada, Americans would not understand, they probably would think Queen Elizibeth II is the queen of england. I have been discriminated for being Canadian in the U.S. after i moved, i never told anyone that i was Canadian to not let the criticism and discrimination to happen again. Due to the discrimination it made me extremely depressed for about 2 and an half years. nearly killed myself about 10 times, knife on my throat, thinkin about slitting my throat to end the discrimination. They think canadians live in igloos and everywhere in canada is like antartica. If i didnt move i would have either done 1. slit my throat or 2. Blew up the school. i could make the explosives, i thought they deserved to feel the pain i went through, the pain of having a life where being dead sounds like winning the lottery.
Posted By:
Last year my mam;s friends duaghter came over to scotland to stay...i was home from uni at the time and met her...after finding out that she and most of the people she knew thought Europe was a country and that all the countries in it were "states" i was actually on the floor laughing at their ignorance to show any kind of interest in anything outsode the US!!
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