The Amphibian Turd
This rare turd is so long that half of it is sticking out of the water. The only way to get it to flush is to break it up into small pieces with the nearest stick-like object, usually someone's toothbrush.
The Farty Turd
This shit comes accompanied with numerous farts and squeaks. It usually happens at work with your boss in the next cubical.
The Teflon Turd
This non-stick shit comes out so clean, you don't need any toilet paper.
The Marker Turd
This thick soft turd leaves a trail of skid mark type evidence in the bowl, but it usually only happens around your mother-in-law's house.
The Second-Coming Turd
You know how it is, you've finished, you wipe-up, you pull up your trousers, then you need to go again..
The Sticky Turd
This shit is so sticky, you use up a whole roll of arse-wipe and then eventually have to use the shower hose to get it clean.
The Garden Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, and it's already half way out. Only one option - Dump it in the back yard.
The Million Dollar Turd
There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, it's already half way out, and you have no garden. This is the turd you would pay a million dollars to drop.
The Phantom Turd
You felt it come out, but when you look down, there's no turd in the pan.
The Sweetcorn Turd
You've been eating plenty of sweetcorn so your turd looks like a brown version of a corn-on-the-cob.
The Peanut Turd
You've been eating lots of peanuts, and you can feel them when you wipe-up.
The Upper class Turd
It doesn't matter what this guy's eaten, his shit don't stink.
The Red-Eye Turd
Man - this turd is at least twice the size of your areshole. It's so big you have to call a midwife to help with the delivery. Your eyes turn red, you scream in terror as you feel sure this one will rip you in half before it hits the water. When you wipe your arse, along with the poo, there is a whole heap of blood as well.
The Napalm Turd
It sticks and it burns. This merciless killer is fired from high above and destroys a wide area in one hit. In case of contact with skin, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical attention.
The Unconscious Turd
After a night down the pub, you fall drunkenly asleep on a park bench. You wake up in the morning to find a turd in your pants.
The Exploding Head Turd
You strain and you squeeze, you squeeze and you strain, you need a pair of forceps to get it out before your head explodes.
The Fountain Turd
This bog-rocket shoots out your arse like a Scud missile, and sends a high-powered jet of water upwards which instinctively hits you right in the ring-piece.
The Feminist Turd
It doesn't matter how it comes out or what it looks like, it's always a man's fault.
The Floater
Flush after flush, this bugger refuses to die. The only way to get rid of it is to pick it up and toss it out the window.
The Immortal Turd
You walk into a public toilet, there is only one cubical and you come face to face with the previous occupant's floater! What do you do? You can't dump on top of it because you might do a 'fountain' contaminated with other persons turd-wash. So you spend the next 10 minuets trying to flush someone else's turd that wont die.
The Liquid Turd
This is not a turd, it's more of a brown-tinged transparent oily type substance that squirts over your arse-cheeks, the seat, the rim, everywhere except into the water.
The Machine-Gun Turd
This turd is essentially a liquid turd, except for the periodic interruption of the solid lumps shooting out in a rhythmic pattern.
The Coil Turd
A very long and continuous soft turd, about the width of a pencil which coils up at the bottom of the pan. Usually accompanied by a soft whimper from the poor unfortunate donator.
The Surprise Turd
This turd only occurs in places where there are no toilets, and no possible way of cleaning yourself. You think it's just a fart, but then that�s the surprise.
The Klingon Turd
This turd clings to your ring-piece no matter how much you shake and jump up and down. Even 'biting' at it with you sphincter muscle won't shake it loose.
The Alien Turd
You look down and say "No way did that come from my arse!". All the evidence is there but you still refuse to believe that you could have dropped such a strange looking turd.
The Two-Part Turd
You shit so much that you have to flush and then carry on shitting.
The Pebble Turd
You strain for hours, but all you can get out is one tiny little pebble sized plop.
The Peek-a-Boo Turd
You get this turd half way out, then it shoots straight back inside.
The Ironic Turd
You have semi-needed a crap all day: the feeling is there but you just can't be bothered going to the loo. You decide to go out, confident that you'll be able to keep it in till you get to wherever it is you are going. However, halfway between your starting point and your destination there is a rumbling down below. You haven't got enough time to go back or go forwards and you have to either find a bush or else cack in your pants.!
The Blip Turd
This small yet compact shit flies out of your ass sending a geyser of shitty water onto your ass!
The Diarrhoea Turd
This occurs when your not feeling too well, and need to be sick. you go find a bucket, and just as your vomit starts to do it's thing you desperately need to go for a diarrhoea turd. Therefore you have a choice of puke down your front or shit down your pants.
The Skyscraper Turd
Basically like the amphibian turd, however this is so large, it touches your arse. This occurs after a very long period of constipation.
The Muscular Turd
This shit looks deformed and takes a lot of pain and muscle work to get out. Even when it comes out it looks like it is made of muscle.
The Everlasting Turd
This is when you haven't been to toilet for about 2 days and when you do a shit, it's all thick and sticky and about 1 metre long.
The Great Brown Shark Turd
This is the one that keeps following you under water, the faster you swim the closer it gets and all you can hear is the the attack music from JAWS before you drown. Way to go mate!
The Sharks Fin Turd
When a turd has a sharks fin halfway along its back. Its agony, as the fin gets closer to your ring, the pain intensifies, you dont know whether to ease it out or go for it in one big push. Common when eating lots of crisps.
The Aneamic's Iron Turd
The result of taking iron tablets regularly over a long period of time - Almost totally constipated and a real strain to get out. When you can poo, it feels really wide and makes your bumhole feel like it should be bleeding, but it's such a relief. Also, it should be noted that this poo is normally very dark green/black in colour and always sinks to the bottom.
The Dodger Turd
No matter how many times you wipe, you can't seem to get it.
The Pollitions Turd
They know its there but they still deny it.
The Surfing Turd
You have a floating machine gun turd, when you flush the chain the particles of turd seem to surf on the waves. Also the pieces of shit refuse to go away!
The Sport Hating Turd
You have been waiting all day for an exciting footy game and just at the kick off, this bastard turd knocks on your winking brown starfish and insists on coming out to play.
The Coughing Turd
Even though you went two minutes ago, you cough and a wet pebble hits your pants.
The Jig-saw Turd
This razor sharp log is like a Picnic bar. It takes two steps out, one step back and progressively jig-saws your arsehole.
The Trick Turd
You rush to the toilet for a crap, but it was just a big fart!
The Foamy Liquid Beer Turd
Comes with a hangover, and its foamy.
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- Know your turds... - 
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