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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:42 am
 


I had this joke posted in the jokes forum for sometime now but I figured I would post it in the forum since most of the traffic passes through here.

The 3 Doctors :

A British doctor says: The medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can remove the brain of a man, put it in another man and make him
get a job in six weeks.

A German doctor says: That is nothing. We can remove the brain of a
person, put it in another one and prepare him for war in four weeks.

An American doctor, not to be surpassed, says: Friends, both of
you are outdated. Recently we identified a man without a brain from Texas
and placed him in the White House. Now we have half the country looking
for a job and the other half preparing for war!


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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:47 am
 


Here's another simple one :


Q : How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A : None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are


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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2005 10:06 am
 


One day two old men decided to go to a whore house, because
they hadn't had sex in quite a while. They arrived at the
house and the head mistress decided they wouldn't know the
difference, so she put them in rooms with blow up dolls.

After they were done, they met out front, and the first old
man said, "What did you think about that? I think mine was
dead."

And the other replied, "I think mine was a witch."

"Why?", asked the first man.

"Because she farted and flew out the window."


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PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2005 11:05 am
 


Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and
beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot
but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f**king going!!!!"

:D


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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2005 10:18 am
 


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it a gain."

Soldier: "Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"


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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2005 11:38 am
 


An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.



"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.



"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man, "You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top."



"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"



"Don't know," replied the man. "Never found the head!"


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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2005 12:29 pm
 


thats a oldy but a goody btw i could only find 1


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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2005 4:03 pm
 


they say the old ones are the best.

Could only find 2


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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2005 10:23 am
 


Reporter:

Douglas Carp has been to France twice. And to Spain. Apparently both are hot and smell of piss.

Le mot juste about to run out.The French

Eminent French language experts in France have warned of an imminent French language crisis facing the very future of French tongues and all the French words that live on the tips of them, i.e. the French language known collectively among us non-French persons as “The French”.

Historically very limited word-wise, the French is now said to be on the brink of running out of lexicons completely. In a very urgent and extremely repetitive begging letter to NATO, France has asked other European languages to sub them a few hundred extra loan-words quick-smart (or “le quick-smart”) in a bid to save their lardons.

The French letter (or “condom”) goes on to state that their language (“notre langue”) is now so short of words that some of France’s greatest thinkers like Peter Ustinov are being forced to hold their tongues (or “leurs langues”, as the letter said) or face le disastre.

“Le situation ‘ere eez terrible,” said Pierre-Marie Marie, at the Mairie in Paris. “Eef anyone invents something or thinks up ze new concept, ze whole langue, she will go bang!”

Although it's all come as a surprise for the French, we say the signs were always there. Whereas the Eskimos (les Eskimeaux) have over 200 words for snow, the French have never had one at all, and similarly top French TV show ‘Allo ‘Allo had to be done mostly in English in order to be funny, and that was ages ago.

Boîte des factes:
(nightclub of facts)

Some everyday examples of The French's limitations include:

le pétit déjeuner (small dinner)
le pomme de terre (apple on the floor)
le grand prix (big price)
les pommes frites (German potatoes)
mangetout (all mangey)
l'arc de triomphe (semen)


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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 5:47 am
 


Lily in failing a "Math Exam" you can try answering the questions in " Bits & Bites"


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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 6:32 am
 


CanadianLynx wrote:
Lily in failing a "Math Exam" you can try answering the questions in " Bits & Bites"


Thats " Bits & Bytes" too much of a rush to get out of here...


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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 9:49 pm
 


Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.

The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?


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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 10:01 pm
 


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life?

------------------------------------------------------------------

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While hard work and knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!


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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 7:44 am
 


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president
of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend
a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to
flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations
for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other
day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."


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